here goes...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by vbuk, Feb 7, 2007.

  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    Ok so - im writing! not managed to do this in a while - just scared it hurts too bad.

    tomorrow im going to my 2nd funeral of the year. just over a week ago id never bin to a funeral b4 - then i had my grandads. it was a good day - as good as it can be. it started off with us meeting at the care home. i spent most the day with my sister. just needed to feel safe. the home set on coffee and tea for us in a room and the whole family sat together. Everybody talked among themselves - i just kinda sat in a stunned silence. looking around. then it was time to go outside. there he was - his coffin. he was in that box in that car. i just stared at him. my cousin cried and my sister hugged her. he was there a while while they got my gran into the car. i just stared. my other cousins wife put her arm around me n asked how i was - i said i was fine - and i was. in my head he wasnt in that box - he was inside watching tv.

    they pulled away. i remember thinking how lovely the guy was who was walking infront of the cars - he was also quite cute! am i sick for thinking that? - i didnt think it then - just looking back on it now. well the cars pulled away - it was 2 mins to the cemetary - just over the road. so we all walked. i walked with my sister. did know what to say. we kinda joked a little - saying how i hated walking infront incase i went the wrong way. i felt guilty.

    we walked down to the chapel - the cars were almost there. i remember my n my sister trying to work out who was there. we could see my other grandma and my uncle. when we got there my uncle gave me a hug - which seems normal to everybody but it was a big deal - very scary but im not going to go into why now.

    they got my gran out of the car and we all went inside. it was cold inside. we sat the 2nd row back. i sat between one of my cousins and my sister. mum dad, auntie n uncle sat on the front. my gran was in her wheelchair - in the isle - infront of my grandad. apparently she asked my mum who it was.

    we had to read something 1st - that set my sister off. she was in floods. i didnt know what to do - i held her hand. i cudnt keep my eyes off the coffin - he wasnt in it. i know he wasnt.

    then the vicar read out what i had written - a thank you from all the family to those at the care hom he lived. this made me close to tears but i was brave and strong. then she talked about him - made us smile and laugh. the vicar was brilliant. so lovely - i think you have to have one of those smiles to be a vicar - one that makes you feel warm inside.

    They played a song - i knew what it was going to be. eva cassidy - i cant remember the name of the song like the idiot that i am. but i started to fill up at this point. mum was in tears. i just stared.

    i loved that i was with my sister. but one of the reasons i cried was cos i wanted somebody else there - i know holding the hand of my ex-gf wud have made me feel so safe. but i knew it cudnt happen. i just wish i cud have being with her - i guess it was punishment after all the bad things i did - i deserved to be alone. and i am coming to terms with it.

    from the day he died - i hadnt cried at all until the funeral - even then it wasnt really for him - it was for her. i still havent really cried - its all hidden away and i cant let it out - it just wont work.

    when the service had ended we went outside. we followed the car down to the plot. i wished i was walking with my sister but i turned round n it was my uncle which upset me. also at the grave - we had to stand right back so wasnt there when her was lowered in. my mum n dad n auntie n uncle stood at the front - when he was down the whole they stepped back and my n my sister went forward - i wanted to go closer but my sister held me back - like a kid. bet she thought id fall. he was so so deep down. well this box was. as we left the cemetary i heard the digger engines start - i just looked at it. the cud have waited till we left - im crying just thinking of it now. it just sounded like a building site. i was shaking. as we walked back to the car i walked with my gran n she was talking about random things that i wasnt interested in. all i cud hear were the diggers.

    we had the wake at our house which was lovely - got old pics out n it was really nice - then everyone left.

    the night i laid awake in bed. i just kept thinking how he wudnt have a coat on. it was cold and he was outside in it - just wanted to go sit with him. wished he had a blanket. just say goodbye one more time. the last thing he said to me was 'goodbye clare' he knew he was going to die.

    last tuesday - the day of my grandads funeral a close family friend died. she had being ill but we didnt know about it. cancer. im still in shock. more in shock than with my grandad. its not real. so tomorrow i have another funeral which im scared of again. she has bin there all my life - used to look after me. im pretty close to her daughters. im in total shock and dont really know what to write about this.

    im going to shut up cos ur all going to be asleep now i think.

    sorry to moan on

    Clare x
     
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    No Clare, I'm not asleep, I love the way you have written about your Grandad's last journey, it's obvious how much you loved him and I'm sure you have lots of wonderful memories to help you through the coming days.
    Now you have another funeral to attend, someone else who has been important in your life, I feel for you, I really do and I offer you my support and sympathy as you strive to get through another harrowing day.

    :hug: Hazel xx
     
  3. One who listens..

    One who listens.. Well-Known Member

    It's perfectly alright hun, and I'm glad you got past your block and managed to type again, :hug: . It's good to get things off your chest, and I hope writing that out has made you feel better.

    :hug: again,

    One Who Listens..
     
  4. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    im really really scared of this funeral - what if i dont cry and people think im heartless. i care alot but cant control when tears want to come and when they dont
     
  5. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    The tears'll come when they're ready hun :hug: no one will force you to 'appear' upset by crying - everyone's individual when it comes to grief :hug:

    Hang in there :)

    I'm here for you :)

    Joe
     
  6. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    i just got home and wanted to write sumthing. the funeral went well - apart from i would have cried if the vicar had being better. she sounded like she needed to cough. i felt sorry for the family - im sure things had of being better if the vicar that had done my grandads funeral had of done it. anyway. it was strange cos they were expecting quite a few. and there were alot of empty seats. but the service went ahead. afterwards when we left there was a lot of people stood outside - then my friends -the daughters - were saying they knew them. Apparently they had all being stood in the car park and didnt go in - so they all missed it. they had a word with the vicar and she agreed that everbody could go back in and she did another service - a shorter one. it did seem like a bit of a farce. but we know that she wud have had a good laugh about it.

    again tho - i didnt believe that she was in the box. its too surreal. im so empty - have no emotions. feel so so strange. want to cry but cant. arrrrggghhh! i know joe - and everybody - keeps saying it will take time - but i want it to happen. i want to feel something - but i dont. even for my grandad. im totally lost. everybody thinks im doing well but i know differently.

    sorry to take up so much room - it just helps to write

    Clare x