Here goes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gamma A, Mar 9, 2007.

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  1. Gamma A

    Gamma A New Member

    Be warned...this is gonna be a bit long due to the fact I have a ton of things to let out. It's also going to sound a bit pathetic, I am sure. Ahhh, the wonders of internet anonymity...

    I'm not suicidal by nature & don't suffer from a primary depressive disorder. My suicidal thoughts are due to a hopelessness created by my life situation. I'm not certain where to start...but let me try to explain:

    I'll be 35 shortly. When I was 13 years old, I had an episode while on vacation with my father where the entire right side of my body suddenly went "pins & needles" and weak. I woke up the next morning in hopes that all would be well. All was not well. I suffered from residual weakness for several years. After those several years passed, I had another episode. This time, it involved the left side. The left side is where the discomfort remained for nearly the next 15 years...until a few weeks ago, when I finally had another episode on the right side. So obviously, the problem now involves both sides. Let's just say that I've felt better. Besides not being @ the level of strength I should be at...I suffer from hands which are incredibley icey cold most of the time. The color is generally bluish or purplish...with red palms. I went to doctors for years and had a gazillion tests run...all to no answer. I was basically dismissed by doctors. They tried, though. I will say that. The closest thing I could find to what ails me is described by a medical professional @ the following link:

    http://jnnp.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/74/5/591

    What is described in this link is basically me. As you can well read...little is known & not much can be done. Everything is similar to MS...but there is no evidence of MS or any other disorder for that matter.

    Believe it or not, I was able to keep myself happily occupied via hobbies & whatnot for a very long time. Unfortunately, I never dated due to the uncertainty I have regarding my health & the uncomfortable look on peoples' faces when I touch them (I have the hand problem as you might recall). I suppose if I didn't have anxiety issues, I may have been able to handle this better in the past (yes, I have some mental probs. Primarily anxiety over several different things. This may have contributed to what has happenned to me physically. I will not deny that).

    So...in a nutshell...I have had anxieties & very odd, unexplained physical problems for a very long time. As a result, my quality of life has not been very good in that I have arranged things so that I have minimal social contact.

    Now that I am nearly 35, I have basically run out of things to keep me occcupied. Though I am not as young looking as I was a couple of years ago (I have aged ALOT in the last couple of years. You can see it in my face. Night and Day), I am still regularly approached by the fairer sex. Of course, though I want to connect with all my heart...I have to protect myself. I don't want to see the look on her face as she touches my hand or as I touch hers (hand problems...remember). Or even if she WERE to accept that part of me...there is the looming possibilty that I will be partially disabled within the next decade or so. I refuse to put anyone through that. As bad as I want a relationship...I feel it is useless to try. Plain hopeless. My male friends have all hooked up/married, etc. I lead a solitary existence where although the possibility of a relationship is regularly dangled in front of me....I dig a hole because I know I will be turned away upon contact or once I divulge what I have been going through for the last 20+ years & what it has done to my mind/body.

    Though I have always thought about suicide as a way out of the emotional pain, I have never seriously set about arranging my departure. I just kinda try to forget about it and move on. Welll...with my advancing age & the acute lonliness...I have become more concentrated on this "way out". A couple of months ago I called my little sis and was basically crying. She made a 3 hour drive to my apartment that night to console me. Another time I had to call her and I felt better after talking to her on the phone. She said that anytime I need her, to give a call. I figure twice is enough. She does not need to be put through that anymore. It was very stressful for her...I could tell...and I don't see her as able to help my situation.

    So here I sit in my apartment...the weekend is here. I hate weekends as I am not kept busy by work. Everyone is out socializing or with significant others, etc... I am drinking a beer in a desolate room, typing away...and getting ready to kill some time playing Xbox games against a bunch of bratty 15 year olds. I have nothing else to do...so it's what I do.

    On the way home from work today I broke down in tears. This occurs every month or so...usually on a Friday. Pathetic, eh? I have never cried up until the last year. I remember a social worker several years back recommending I cry more often as I never did...it would make me feel better about things. I feel better for an hour or two...then life sucks all over again. But whatever.

    What really sparked today's crying was the usual dread associated with the oncoming weekend, but moreso watching the two younger female employees leave work. Both were with boyfriends and appeared so happy. I had dibs on both of 'em, but you know what I did in response to their advances of course. The furtherst I went with one of them was to pull her acrosss our icey parking lot one day after an ice storm. She said she was gonna fall unless I took her hand and pulled her across to her car. Fortunately, we were both wearing gloves....and I obliged. Let me tell you something....most of you are probably married and something as trivial as taking someone's hand is an everyday occurance. For me...it was one of the more moving experiences of my life. As I took her hand and started to pull...her fingers clenched tight and she looked up at me & smiled and laughed. My God, it will forever be etched in my memory. I was thinking about that moment today as I watched the girls with their boyfriends in the lot after work. That probably prompted the pathetic cry session more than anything.

    In any case, I am rambling. Let me get to the nitty gritty. Slowly but surely, I am becoming more receptive to suicide. I even pondered calling 1800suicide before typing this, as my spirits are quite low. It's strange how pleasing the thought of suicide has become. I need a way out of the misery. I don't want to do it, but I'm not really happy with my past, present & what the future holds. I wish there was a way out. I wish I was normal. I wish....I wish...I wish...

    I'm not certain what words of encouragement any of you would have to offer. Most people probably do not know what to say. I'm not sure I have any expectations, either. I just needed to vent & as I mentioned...serious suicidal thoughts are becoming routine. Not real sure how much longer I can hold out.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and glad you found us...In the parking lot, your woman friend took your hands and you helped her...did she say anything about your hands??? I think not...and about protecting ppl...all of us are going to die, maybe me before you...why cut off your enjoyments now for a future you are not sure you may have...I surely get, as many do here, social anxiety, but is there a place between where you fantasize and where you are? maybe going out with women who are making it known that they are attracted to you, and seeing where the relationship goes? you are not going to be intimate with someone, and have it meaninful, on the first encounter...yes, what you are going through sounds so challanging and creates such unsurity, but why keep yourself from life on the chance you might have another episode? I can imagine it is very difficult for you, but please consider somewhat more of the mid-ground...choosing a person to play with, so to say...big hugs
     
  3. Gamma A

    Gamma A New Member

    Thanks a ton for being the only one to reply. I mentioned in my initial post that we were both wearing gloves...so there goes that arguemnet...but your intent was good....so no biggie. I am reading what you wrote and I am trying very hard to get it into my head that I need to have a more relaxed attitude regarding the whole situation. On top of that, I am sure that if I were to begin incorporating this relaxed attitude, I need to be prepared for much rejection. Please understand that I have had a mellow attitude before...only to be rejected due to my hands. It is not like I have not been there before. Maybe..though...I just have not found the right person. It is extremely difficult for me to get going again...but I am trying to consider your words and use them as motivation. Once again, thank you a million for not ignoring my post and attempting to inject some positivity.
     
  4. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Since I'm in an off mood I'll start at the end and work backwards.

    >>>>I'm not certain what words of encouragement any of you would have to offer.

    Me neither, to be honest.

    >>>>Most people probably do not know what to say. I'm not sure I have any expectations, either. I just needed to vent & as I mentioned...serious suicidal thoughts are becoming routine. Not real sure how much longer I can hold out.

    I'm certainly not going to encourage or discourage you, simply note that you seem decidedly conflicted about the whole enterprise. That by itself tells me you need to take a step back, breathe into a paper bag, go for a walk, whatever. From my perspective its an option that's always there, but it ain't a choice you can unmake once its undertaken.

    >>>>Slowly but surely, I am becoming more receptive to suicide. I even pondered calling 1800suicide before typing this, as my spirits are quite low. It's strange how pleasing the thought of suicide has become. I need a way out of the misery. I don't want to do it, but I'm not really happy with my past, present & what the future holds. I wish there was a way out. I wish I was normal. I wish....I wish...I wish...

    Can't really make heads or tails out of this, honestly. As in, how does one become "recepetive" to suicide?

    >>>>So here I sit in my apartment...the weekend is here. I hate weekends as I am not kept busy by work. Everyone is out socializing or with significant others, etc... I am drinking a beer in a desolate room, typing away...and getting ready to kill some time playing Xbox games against a bunch of bratty 15 year olds. I have nothing else to do...so it's what I do.

    You mention that you had hobbies earlier. Maybe you should go back to them? Doesn't seem like this gives you much satisfaction. For my part, about the only leisure activity I enjoy any more is reading.

    >>>> Another time I had to call her and I felt better after talking to her on the phone. She said that anytime I need her, to give a call. I figure twice is enough. She does not need to be put through that anymore. It was very stressful for her...I could tell...and I don't see her as able to help my situation.

    Well if you do end it all, you'll probably put her through something much worse. As in, (unless you have other family?) she'll be the one stuck doing all the post-death arrangements. For the record, family is the immoveable object that keeps me from ending it, though I'm trying to figure out a way to either rationalize it or explain to them when the time comes. No luck so far. Not that I'm much, but I can't see how my absence would be anything but painful to them.

    Sorry that I can't really comment on the medical stuff. Don't really know where to start, except for one thing: I can sort of feel your pain. I also had an undiagnosable condition for about three years when I was a teenager. I became, of all things, allergic to my own sweat. I'd break out in these nasty looking and very painful, itchy pustules every time I sweated. Sometimes they'd burst and bleed. I went from a local dermatologist to a specialty clinic to some sort of weird reseach lab. None of them did a damn thing. For no reason anyone could explain it disappeared when I was 20, after three miserable years. I've had two very mild recurrences, when I've been under great stress. If it ever came back full force, I'm not sure what I do. It felt like I was being stung by bees all over. And I sure as hell had no social life when that was at its worst. Dunno if empathy, at least to a degree, is helpful. But I can offer that.

    And I certainly can't offer any advice on women, the one and only woman I seriously dated is now Mrs. Gmork, though I doubt she'd be pleased to be referred to that way. Just seems to me that most women I've known are willing cut men a greater degree of slack on physical issues than men are to women. Certainly its a general thing, doubtless doesn't apply in all cases. FWIW, My wife's big "secret" that she had to spill to me before we got engaged was that she'd been adopted. Like I care. :rolleyes: When I told her I'd had two serious suicide attempts and three months hospitalization (two months on a locked ward) she was more willing to let it go than I would've thought.

    Haven't shared with her my current thoughts on suicide. Which I know is to my discredit. Like I said, family is hard to work around. :huh:
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey Gamma A, I haven't had any personal experience with what you're going through but after reading your post, I think you well deserve a huge :hug:

    It's sad that you've isolated yourself because of this. You do deserve to be happy and you shouldn't distance yourself away from people because of something that is out of your control.

    Do you have friends in your workplace or around where you live that you get on with? If you can talk to people and develop friendships then when you feel close enough you may feel more comfortable with approaching the hand issue.

    Anyone who judges or rejects you because of this is simply not worth your time. You are still a human being. Your muscle weakness, cold hands etc has nothing to do with the person you are, a human being, like the rest of us. A person who should be treated the same as everyone else. To be respected, and cared for.

    It's a shame this has put you off relationships. I can understand you feel uncomfortable with the thought of someone looking after you if you become disabled but if you love someone, and they love you, they will willing help and support you out of love - that I do have personal experience with.

    Like I said earlier, anyone who puts your hand problem in the way of friendship/love is not worth your time and your insecurities are getting in the way a lot. Honestly, if I met you in real life, without even having seen this thread, I would NOT judge you at all. I would not be "freaked" because of your hands, I would see past that, and see the person that you really are. Not everyone is shallow, there are a lot of nice people in this world who will willingly accept you for you, if you will let them.

    Are there any support groups in your area you can attend? Have you spoken to your doctor about your anxiety and such? If you haven't I highly recommend it.

    I don't know if I've been much help, but I sincerely hope things get better for you, and in the meantime, we're here anytime. Please take care of yourself.
     
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