Be warned...this is gonna be a bit long due to the fact I have a ton of things to let out. It's also going to sound a bit pathetic, I am sure. Ahhh, the wonders of internet anonymity... I'm not suicidal by nature & don't suffer from a primary depressive disorder. My suicidal thoughts are due to a hopelessness created by my life situation. I'm not certain where to start...but let me try to explain: I'll be 35 shortly. When I was 13 years old, I had an episode while on vacation with my father where the entire right side of my body suddenly went "pins & needles" and weak. I woke up the next morning in hopes that all would be well. All was not well. I suffered from residual weakness for several years. After those several years passed, I had another episode. This time, it involved the left side. The left side is where the discomfort remained for nearly the next 15 years...until a few weeks ago, when I finally had another episode on the right side. So obviously, the problem now involves both sides. Let's just say that I've felt better. Besides not being @ the level of strength I should be at...I suffer from hands which are incredibley icey cold most of the time. The color is generally bluish or purplish...with red palms. I went to doctors for years and had a gazillion tests run...all to no answer. I was basically dismissed by doctors. They tried, though. I will say that. The closest thing I could find to what ails me is described by a medical professional @ the following link: http://jnnp.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/74/5/591 What is described in this link is basically me. As you can well read...little is known & not much can be done. Everything is similar to MS...but there is no evidence of MS or any other disorder for that matter. Believe it or not, I was able to keep myself happily occupied via hobbies & whatnot for a very long time. Unfortunately, I never dated due to the uncertainty I have regarding my health & the uncomfortable look on peoples' faces when I touch them (I have the hand problem as you might recall). I suppose if I didn't have anxiety issues, I may have been able to handle this better in the past (yes, I have some mental probs. Primarily anxiety over several different things. This may have contributed to what has happenned to me physically. I will not deny that). So...in a nutshell...I have had anxieties & very odd, unexplained physical problems for a very long time. As a result, my quality of life has not been very good in that I have arranged things so that I have minimal social contact. Now that I am nearly 35, I have basically run out of things to keep me occcupied. Though I am not as young looking as I was a couple of years ago (I have aged ALOT in the last couple of years. You can see it in my face. Night and Day), I am still regularly approached by the fairer sex. Of course, though I want to connect with all my heart...I have to protect myself. I don't want to see the look on her face as she touches my hand or as I touch hers (hand problems...remember). Or even if she WERE to accept that part of me...there is the looming possibilty that I will be partially disabled within the next decade or so. I refuse to put anyone through that. As bad as I want a relationship...I feel it is useless to try. Plain hopeless. My male friends have all hooked up/married, etc. I lead a solitary existence where although the possibility of a relationship is regularly dangled in front of me....I dig a hole because I know I will be turned away upon contact or once I divulge what I have been going through for the last 20+ years & what it has done to my mind/body. Though I have always thought about suicide as a way out of the emotional pain, I have never seriously set about arranging my departure. I just kinda try to forget about it and move on. Welll...with my advancing age & the acute lonliness...I have become more concentrated on this "way out". A couple of months ago I called my little sis and was basically crying. She made a 3 hour drive to my apartment that night to console me. Another time I had to call her and I felt better after talking to her on the phone. She said that anytime I need her, to give a call. I figure twice is enough. She does not need to be put through that anymore. It was very stressful for her...I could tell...and I don't see her as able to help my situation. So here I sit in my apartment...the weekend is here. I hate weekends as I am not kept busy by work. Everyone is out socializing or with significant others, etc... I am drinking a beer in a desolate room, typing away...and getting ready to kill some time playing Xbox games against a bunch of bratty 15 year olds. I have nothing else to do...so it's what I do. On the way home from work today I broke down in tears. This occurs every month or so...usually on a Friday. Pathetic, eh? I have never cried up until the last year. I remember a social worker several years back recommending I cry more often as I never did...it would make me feel better about things. I feel better for an hour or two...then life sucks all over again. But whatever. What really sparked today's crying was the usual dread associated with the oncoming weekend, but moreso watching the two younger female employees leave work. Both were with boyfriends and appeared so happy. I had dibs on both of 'em, but you know what I did in response to their advances of course. The furtherst I went with one of them was to pull her acrosss our icey parking lot one day after an ice storm. She said she was gonna fall unless I took her hand and pulled her across to her car. Fortunately, we were both wearing gloves....and I obliged. Let me tell you something....most of you are probably married and something as trivial as taking someone's hand is an everyday occurance. For me...it was one of the more moving experiences of my life. As I took her hand and started to pull...her fingers clenched tight and she looked up at me & smiled and laughed. My God, it will forever be etched in my memory. I was thinking about that moment today as I watched the girls with their boyfriends in the lot after work. That probably prompted the pathetic cry session more than anything. In any case, I am rambling. Let me get to the nitty gritty. Slowly but surely, I am becoming more receptive to suicide. I even pondered calling 1800suicide before typing this, as my spirits are quite low. It's strange how pleasing the thought of suicide has become. I need a way out of the misery. I don't want to do it, but I'm not really happy with my past, present & what the future holds. I wish there was a way out. I wish I was normal. I wish....I wish...I wish... I'm not certain what words of encouragement any of you would have to offer. Most people probably do not know what to say. I'm not sure I have any expectations, either. I just needed to vent & as I mentioned...serious suicidal thoughts are becoming routine. Not real sure how much longer I can hold out.