Here goes

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bria, Sep 3, 2007.

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  1. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Just in advance let me apologize for any nonsensical sentences that may follow; I kind of like to speak broadly and not nail down any details because that makes it real, and so I kind of dance around things. At the same time, some of it is pretty graphic so beware.

    Anywho, I have been raped once maybe twice, I'm not really sure what went on at home - it's all so blurry now. My first boyfriend that my parents set my up with was less than a pleasant fellow. Beat the crap out of me on more than one occasion - his dad even showed him how to use a railroad spike on me so it didn't leave marks. Anyway, he kept pressuring me for more, and I wouldn't give it to him, both because I was hardcore Catholic at the time and I was scared shitless of him. I tried to break-up with him, but couldn't. He dumped me for awhile for my best friend, and then came back after he got bored. I guess a challenge was more interesting. It was it was almost six years ago and I can still picture every detail of that room and feel everything. *shudder* It was right after Mass and my parent's thought it would be fun for us to go on another "date." He took me back to his house, and we watched Lake Placid, and then he closed the door. He video taped the entire thing and made me watch it with a running commentary. The pathetic thing is that I kept dating him for almost a year afterwards, until he broke up with me because "I cheated on him." Right, you couldn't pay me to go near a member of the opposite sex.

    That's the one I am sure of; the other is a little fuzzy, and it scares me that I can't remember for sure. What if I am unjustly accusing him of everything? I can't just go ask him, "Dad, do you abuse and rape me when I was a little girl?" now can I? This is the scary part, both because it so hard to think about, but also because if someone ever finds this... Oh God.

    I went from always thinking I was Daddy's Little Girl to going to college and learning what a dysfunctional family mine was. It's even harder because I realize now that for years I have been living in a fantasy world in my head, and so I have no fucking clue what is real and what isn't. I always thought his attentions were signs of affection, and I lived for them. Looking back on it I realize how sick he really was. I remember bits and pieces, but the problem is that I know that I have made up so much because I have to know that I am not sure which parts are part of my fantasy world superimposed on my life and which really happened. I know something is off just because of the way he still treats me and the weird vibe my parents give off to my friends, but I want to know. I can't live with the fact that I remember this stuff happening - I can hear his breathing and see him in my mind's eye - but I can't be sure it isn't just me going completely insane. It's even worse because I told my fiance a lot of the stuff I had consiously and unconsiously made up because he wanted to know what had happened, and "I don't know" had never cut it before. I finally came clean and we are working through it, but now I want to know even more than before, and it hurts so bad. At the same time though, I have shut my emotions out of my life for so long that I can only rationally aknowledge that it hurts. I'm talking to a therapist about all this but she just doesn't seem to understand - a lot of that is my fault since I am so fond of minimzing things. I guess I am just hoping that being completely open from the start with complete strangers who are in the same boat as me might provide the help that I can't seem to find anywhere else,
     
  2. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    welcome
    i am glad that you have felt that you can open up here.... what you explain is something i think happens to alot of us... the one thing i have had to work through it that i may never knot the extent of the abuse i endured as a child .. i spent 3 years in therapy demanding myself to remember all of it ... because the streaked images and holes were like rats gnawling at bloody disconnected pieces of myself... something i did learn is that i dont have to know every detail to know what happened... and i can heal even if i dont find out everything...
    one thing i would like to put out there... is i am not sure that what you think "you made up" is made up... it is possible that what you remember is factual.. but when it was happening to you ... you were in a kind of disconnected state... "kinda mental running away"... because physically you could not escape... so if that were the case and you distanced yourself ftom the abuse.. then the memories would also feel "distant" and "unreal" but they could still be factual recollections....... hugs
     
  3. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    welcome to SF. there are people here that have been in the same situation as you, but i want you to know, that it does get easier. *hugs*
     
  4. bria

    bria Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys. I am just in a really blue funk right now. Hopefully the new meds will help with that soon.
     
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