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Here Goes

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by *dilligaf*, Jun 21, 2008.

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  1. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    -takes a deep breath-

    I have been trying to find the courage and energy to write this for a long time, but after ANOTHER arguement today I realised I really need to admit to some things.

    The last couple of weeks (say, since we got back from holiday) I have been feeling really really down. The depression has come out in me snapping. So I'm being a bitch without even meaning to be. And causing a lot of fights. I have been on the brink of tears nearly all the time and even cried myself to sleep last night. My paranoia has risen ten fold to the point where I feel sick at the thought of her talking to people in case she falls for them and leaves me. I've had a constant headache for god knows how long and now have a jaw ache from grinding my teeth so much.

    Want the truth? I’m scared of scared of myself and of how down I’ve gotten. It’s been a long while since I felt this way. The last time I felt this bad I found myself in the hospital I don’t know how many times. That’s what’s scaring me, I have things to live for now, I have things and people that make me happy. So why am I feeling lilke this? Why do I sit surrounded by the people that make me happy and still feel like crying? I am literally scared of what my mind is doing to me and where it’s taking me.

    I can’t face going to that darkest place again, I’m not strong enough for it.

    I don't know what to do...

    (may be more to come)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 21, 2008
  2. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Your words emanate what I feel sometimes when things begin going right for me when I'm depressed. It's almost like I want to stay miserable sometimes. I feel as if maybe I'm just always going to be under the illusion I'm happy even though my life is in reality shitty. Not sure if that makes sense...but I can really relate to what you're saying here. Being unhappy when we think we should be happy. I was perfectly happy ever since September until my depression started triggering again in May due to my unemployment and being reminded of how alone I am.

    I'm not sure what to say in regards to a solution...I just wanted to let you know you're not alone with regards to your feelings.
  3. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Thank you for replying,

    sorry you are feeling bad..
  4. GaiaMischief

    GaiaMischief Well-Known Member

    Thank you :)

    Have you talked to her about these feelings, by the way? I know it seems obvious but being comforted by someone I love and care about has always been my best form of medication.
  5. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Erm she'll read this thread soon
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i am sorry to read you are feeling so down.

    what may be different now is that you are aware that you are sinking. and as awful as that feeling is you are not the same person you were last time you had these same feelings. this you are more aware of your 'early warning' signs and recognize what's happening. because of this you can take some specific steps to self-care.

    by following certain routines in order to feel better (like exercise, or breathing, or not skipping counselling - you substitute *your* own routines), by following these you can slow these feelings down, and take back a little control.

    you may not end up the hospital again, but even if you do - despite your best efforts - please know that it will be okay. you have a large community here to support you.

  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    thank u hun, means a lot.

    im just scared that i dont seem to be able to control these feelings
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You sound a little better. All I can say is be honest with yourself, then be honest with your other half. Relations are built by trust. If your not honest with her and she finds out. The shit will literally hit the fan.
    Sit her down and talk to her. If you are brave enough to open up, it will make a big difference. Your honesty in your posts tell it all. You are caring,loving,unselfish,always concerned when it comes to others. As far as I can see, you are an angel. Everyone has bad days the trick to it is you pick yourself up and prepare for what life deals you on a dailey basis...:chopper:
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    angel? :rofl:

    but thanks for the replies, they have me thinking x
  10. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    sam :hug: what you've written sounds a lot like the way I think sometimes so I'm pretty sure I know how you're feeling. I'm not great at advice as you know ( :rolleyes: ) but all I can say is try not to be too tough on yourself. Everyone's allowed to be pissed off and upset and overwhelmed now and again, and it's hardly surprising you're feeling like that given the situation at the moment. When you're feeling like it's all spinning out of control just try to stop and re-evaluate things, and above all don't keep it all bottled up. You've got V and people here and we're not gonna let you go down that dark road alone. As a side note I highly doubt she's gonna wake up one morning and decide she doesn't love you anymore, and if I'm wrong you may beat me with sticks for being a cocky shit who always thinks he knows everything :yes:

    Love to you both
  11. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Mal :clap: you managed to make me laugh, thanks hun, needed that :smile:

    Seriously though, thanks for the support hun, :hug:
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