Here goes.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vxo, Jun 15, 2012.

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  1. vxo

    vxo New Member

    Hello. I signed up a few days ago, but i haven't really read much on here. I guess i'm pretty selfish like that, so feel free to not respond.

    Sorry, this is going to be very long winded and poorly structured, but i'm just blowing off some steam here.

    Here's the backstory.

    I have been suffering depression and anxiety for the past 7 years of my life (17 - 24), and I have actually managed alright until the past year. This is the first time in my life i've been "unemployed" (around one year after working full time for six years). I work every now and then, but all I can manage to get is menial factory and labour work, maybe 3 or 4 shifts every month, which pretty much gives me money to get a bit extra-loaded with booze every now and then. I find that I don't really have any driving passion. I've looked into Tertiary studies but I actually cannot afford it, in Australia government benifits for students is around $50 less than those on unemployment benifits (although I work occasionally, it's not enough to live on), and I simply cannot afford it.

    I don't have any family nearby, parents are in Dubai and my younger sister is busy doing the 'life' thing with her partner and two children four hours from where I live. The rental market where I live at the moment is very bad, one of the worst in the country. I have moved house 6 times in the past two years, and at the moment I am sub-letting a friends room, which runs out in three weeks then I will be living out of my car.

    Amongst this, I recently went to two funerals in two consecutive days. Both to suicide, both unrelated (these two people didn't know eachother). The strange thing is instead of mourning, I sort of understood what they had done.

    Anyway, what I really want to explain is how i fucked over the one person who really and truly cared about me. I met a girl eight months ago, my first girlfriend in three years. Yes, we have been going through a rough patch, and she has wanted out of the relationship for a while but I kept trying to hold onto her. Unfortunately this still didn't fill the void. I wanted more from this relationship. I was latching onto a relationship where I was still very lonely, sexually frustrated and I felt very unattractive and unappealing. One night I got drunk, blind drunk with one of her friends, and I cheated on my girlfriend with her. I have had alot of girlfriends do this to me, and t I really should know better. The real problem is I did this three times. My girlfriend actually cheated on me, and told me straight up, and I felt horrible. This was a perfect time for me to open up but I didn't. And I forgave her. And she thought I was the most amazing person because I took her back. It wasn't until last night when I told her and it was out of cowardice. You see, my girlfriend, and the girl i slept with, ended up making plans to move in together. I have no idea what the other girl was thinking doing this, but who am I to judge. So, last night I told my girlfriend what I did, and it wasn't that bad, until I told her it was a while ago, and that it happened more than once. This absolutely destroyed her.

    And now I look at the person i've become. I've turned into "that" guy. In the next few days once this is out I am going to lose the majority of my friends due to my actions, I have already lost a handful (and rightfully so, I made my bed, and I wouldn't want to be friends with me either).

    And this is what bought me here. I seriously think I am a poisonous, selfish person and the world is better of without me in it. I am actually trying to tie off my loose ends before I leave, and well, waiting it out over the next few weeks to see if things don't go as bad as i'm predicting.

    Any way I hope I haven't broken any guidelines. I just needed somewhere to post how I feel.
  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    well at least you feel bad about what you have done. I know plenty of people who simply have no conscious and would not even care how much they hurt someone else. if you regret what you have done at least you can find solace in the fact you are not a monster even though you may feel like you are.

    people make mistakes. just avoid making the same ones in the future.
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