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Here Goes

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zer0, Jul 31, 2012.

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  1. Zer0

    Zer0 New Member

    Okay guys, just entered the chatroom and was warmly welcomed. Seem like a nice bunch of people and I felt at ease immediately so I will post my story.

    I feel down and depressed but during the day it is not so bad, I do get bored of things and this leaves to frustration however this does not compare to my thoughts when I finally decide to get some sleep. When I finally try to put my mind to rest all the dark thoughts creep in. They are blocked out during the day as I am occupying my mind but as I'm lying there trying to concentrate on sleeping and nothing else I can't help but think about wanting to end my life. Strangely, I also have violent thoughts, about me being beaten up by a group of guys, sometimes even with hammers ETC. I find this to be very strange, I've tried to search on Google for this but I haven't been able to find anything regarding this. Is it like this for anyone else?

    I've already come up with a plan on how to commit suicide, I would wake up at 9AM when my parents had gone to work and my sister had gone to school. Go into the cupboard where all the medicines and pills are kept (mostly belonging to my father) and just take as much as I can until I hopefully drop dead. However, I know how this would absolutely destroy my family. The thing is, just over 3 years ago I attempted suicide by walking into the sea, however, with the sea to my hips, I turned back and cowarded out, a good thing you could say. Little did I know the RNLI or whatever had spotted me and put me on alert. Before I did this I had thrown away all my possessions and after crying my eyes out for around 2 hours straight I started to walk home (a 3 hour walk from my destination) On my way I was pulled over by lifeguards and the police. The policeman wanted my name and my address, I gave a fake one and asked to be left alone but I was told to get in the police van which I did. I was then taken to the fake address, hoping the policeman would leave me be, however he knew it was fake. He then asked for my real name and address. Which I gave him the answer to, I was hoping he would then go once we arrived at my house but he insisted on speaking to my parents. The next day my father asked me if I had attempted to commit suicide and I told him yes.

    This then fucked things up at home, my father understandably could not handle this and did what a lot of people do with their problems. Get very drunk. In this process, he kicked me out the house and told me to never come back so I left and drove my car, with heavy thoughts of just crashing it all full speed, I drove around for about 2 hours and came home to find out my mother had kicked my father out the house. Things blew over after my dad had spent the night in a hotel and returned home the next day. For the next few days, whilst all living under the same roof, there was no communication between anyone, we were all silent to eachother and the silence was absolutely unbearable. Luckily things did go back to normal.

    During this attempt I was very very drunk and when my parents spoke to me about it I would just try my best to get off the subject completely. I pretty much just dismissed it, saying it was just because I was drunk. The funny thing is, I'm not 100% sure why I did it. I don't remember the night much at all due to me being very drunk. However, I do have an inkling. There was a girl I was totally in love with, I'd never felt like this before over a girl however things didn't go to plan. I had completely convinced myself this girl did not like me, like I was not good enough for her when it was plainly obvious that she did like me, inviting me to things so we could hang out but I always made up an excuse not to go. Anyway, we had arranged to meet up in a club (which was where we had first met) as we usually did as we were both regulars and I can't help thinking something bad happened between us which triggered me to react the way I did however I don't remember a thing and I can't really speak to her about it as it's an extremely touchy subject. This still plays on my mind to this day and I feel as if I can't put my mind to rest until I know exactly what happened that night. At the time I was feeling quite down though. I was on the receiving end of some very cruel bullying at college which did make me have suicidal thoughts.

    So that is one thing I would really be interested to your responses for guys. What are your thoughts and opinions?

    So, after that episode, I stopped going to work and I was fired, I then spent a year unemployed and to be honest, I thought it was a good thing initially, I feel as if I really got to know myself because of having so much free time on my hands and spending large periods of time alone. Before I used to work Monday to Friday and always be up to something over the weekends but this was great time to think, to escape but of course it sucked merely existing, on job seeker's allowance with no money coming in, not interacting with people.

    So fast forward to a year ago, I have always been a frequent chatroom user (probably too frequent, expect to see me in your chatroom) and I met a girl online. I was instantly attracted to her. Her attention was always focused on me, I believe myself to be quite the commedian and she really liked my humour and after a while of chatting (period of a few weeks/months) in chat she added me on MSN and not too long later we swapped numbers. We spoke to eachother more and more and during a game of truth or dare I asked her if she had ever had a crush on someone on the internet. She said yes then said the thing I could only have dreamed of, her crush was me! I could not believe this and promptly told her the feeling was mutual. So things got more serious between us to the point of chatting to eachother all day every day. It got so serious we told eachother we loved eachother and had arranged to meet up (she lives approximately a 3 hour train journey from me) however before we had told eachother we loved eachother I told her that I felt suicidal (this feeling came back to me out of nowhere, partly not having a job for a year yet again) She was great to talk to and I was so happy to have her to talk to at least.

    Eventually I got myself a job, working away from home installing windows on buildings such as shopping centres and schools ETC. I was so happy, I was over the moon, the suicidal feelings vanished. I was feeling great about myself, my parents were happy for me. I could afford to meet this amazing girl, it was all great until the start of 2012. Only a few days in I received a text saying that the company I worked for could no longer afford to keep me on. I was devastated by this and felt like I couldn't build myself up to get a good job ever again. Luckily I still had this wonderful girl to talk to. Things started to get sour, she had told me for a while she needed to go to the doctors but would not tell me why. Eventually she told me that she was feeling depressed. She doesn't really trust people because she has been badly treated in the past, like myself I guess. All in all, I really felt like I connected with this girl.

    Anyway, she asked for my opinion about anti-depressants. I didn't give her my opinion and instead said to her that she should take them if perscribed because I believe doctors know better than me and that she should listen to them and not me. My real opinion is that anti-depressants are a cop out and the only thing that can fight depression is yourself and not some pills (please understand that this is my opinion only and I am probably wrong, I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist or anything) So she starting taking the medication. Nothing seemed to change but she eventually grew more and more distant from me, started drinking and when in the past the conversations were back and forth, back and forth all day long she was just not talking to me which drove me crazy. Eventually she said the thing I had been not wanting to hear "I'm not the girl for you" I just cried my eyes out, I really thought I had met the one but it was not to be. Whilst on the medication it seems to have re-wired her brain and she is not the same person as she was, this to me was no problem because I know the girl I love and I want to be there for her but she severed all ties. I didn't speak to her for about 3 weeks but we're speaking now.

    One last thing, this girl is meeting a guy from America (we're in England) from the chatroom who is coming over here. They are going to Liverpool which is closer to me than her and this makes me feel like they have something serious going on. She insists they are just good friends but when we had arranged to meet she said she was not ready for it but seems to be all to happy to meet this guy. It makes me think did they have something going on (if they really are) whilst I was pooring my heart out to her, telling her she was the greatest thing to happen in my life? This just makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me feel hollow and seriously angry.

    I feel the medication has made her unable to think about other people's feelings and I blame myself for it all, I wish I had told her my opinions on anti-depressants and this mess may never have happened. I also blame myself for being so negative about myself to her and feel this rubbed off on her. I told her I'd always be there for her if she needed to speak to someone but I disappeared for 3 weeks without a trace. I think that I have totally failed her and I am really surprised she even wants to speak to me still but she does.

    So yeah this is a very long post I guess no one will read about my pathetic life. I just want to be able to sleep at night (now approaching 4:30AM) and not constantly thinking about killing myself, who will care, if anyone will care, if I will be missed, what music I'd want played at my funeral (would probably be dead now if it wasn't for music) what I'd write on a suicide note, if I'd write a suicide note or if I'd let people think why on earth I'd want to kill myself at the seemingly tender age of 23. I don't like talking to people about my feelings because I don't want people's sympathy but the girl I mentioned said one thing to me which always stuck in my mind "the thoughts you are having are very real" and that is right, I am serious about this and I see posting here as a step forward.

    Thanks for reading, if anyone did

    P.S. My internet connection disconnected whilst I typed this up and I thought I'd nearly lost everything, phew! I do feel that my "problems" are nothing compared to what some users are going through on here judging by the threads I have read however I am having very real suicidal thoughts and this is a cry out for help

    Edit: I know I keep rambling on however I have not had a steady job ever since I lost my job 3 years ago as a bricklayer and I can't see a future for myself, I have been drifting in and out of jobs for the last 3 years, I've just quit my job the other day, well I say quit I just haven't gone to work and not even contacted work since my last shift so I will have been fired now for sure. This isn't just about my failed love life (never had a girlfriend) it's about being alone, feeling helpless, no future, nothing going for me, being the piece of shit at the bottom of everyone's shoe and being totally inferior to them all. It also hurt me that I could do nothing to make this girl feel better even though I would have done anything. After re-reading the post I come accross very selfish but believe me I cared so much about her and was woried sick about her. Probably too much and I feel this was a contributing factor to her pushing me away. I think I'm going to constantly be adding things to this thread, sorry! I need to get everything off my chest, this is the point of this place right?

    And there's more to add! I have only told this girl about how I feel. Never a doctor, my parents did recommend seeing a psychiatrist or a counseller after my failed suicide attempt 3 years ago but I openly refused stating that I wasn't mentally ill or anything (well that was strong but I mean, I didn't like my parents thinking of me as not being normal although they just wanted to help) I have however been thinking about seeing someone but I will not for the life of me take anti-depressants, that is just something I am not prepared to do at all. No way!
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2012
  2. letty

    letty Banned Member

    welcome Zero I hope you are able to sleep good tonight, and i hope that things will start to be better for you as you
    continue to post and chat, its weird how at night all the thoughts and concerns become more intense. keep listening to music
    it seems to help you alot. hang in there your not alone.
  3. Zer0

    Zer0 New Member

    So they met up, saw them on cam together in the chatroom, she knew I was there. Yes they are in love with eachother. Why the hell has she done this to me, I've never ever done anything to upset her and now she's basically laughing in my fucking face. I can take her liking someone else but I just can't take her lying to me, I understand she lied to "protect" me but I already had the suspicions and was always going to find out plus why on earth does she want to humiliate me like this. It makes me so fucking tempted to just lash out and really upset her and tell people in the chat who think it's oh so nice that they met up what she's really fucking like, I know a lot of personal things about her but deep down I'm a nice, sentimental guy so I will not do this. I think I'd rather just drink myself into a stupor and choke to death on my own vomit in my sleep.

    Although, I do feel that really she doesn't even know what she really wants but this is beyond painful, I have never felt so humilated in my whole entire life and I've been victim of some pretty harsh bullying but jesus christ.... It's not like I can even talk to anyone about this, I can't concentrate on the other pressing issues in my life like probably ending up getting kicked out my house because I'm a fucking loser with no future. FUCK IT ALL, THIS IS THE POINT OF NO RETURN, I CANNOT SAVE MYSELF
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you've had some times when you felt good, having a job and feeling in love. you could get back to that place again, hopefully in a situation that is more stable and can last for a long time.

    if you had advised this girl not to take anti-depressants, and she killed herself, then you might have blamed yourself. I don't think you have to blame yourself now for telling her to do what the doctors told her.

    you might want to check out the link in my sig about treatment.

    I hope that there is a way you can get through this and get better. no matter what, I wish you all the peace and comfort you can have
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