Here I Am Again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jakesaysrelax, Feb 5, 2013.

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  1. jakesaysrelax

    jakesaysrelax Member

    I posted on here a while ago, the last time I was really depressed and contemplating suicide.
    Now here I am again and I can feel it building back up.

    The idea never really left. I never let go of thinking what if I killed myself, what if I could just stop it all right now.
    There's nowhere else I feel comfortable going.
    I don't want to talk to my 2 friends, I don't want to go talk to my mom. I just want to not feel like this.

    I've been drifting for months, maybe since the middle or end of last semester. November of 2012 I guess.
    Day in and day out I knew I wasn't happy, I wasn't motivated, I wasn't interested in anything. I got up and went to school, wrote my papers, did my work, and basically just existed.
    The last few weeks, I've been trying to break out of that. Trying to think again. Trying to get up and care about something.
    Now that I've snapped myself out of that daze, I can feel everything again.
    It went away for a while, I was almost slightly happy, then it faded, and now everything feels dirty and bad again.

    I need to go see my doctor, but I am apparently terrible with directions and I've missed my last 2 appointments because I can't find the place.
    My mom used to take me, but now that I can drive myself she had me go by myself.
    I could say a big part of what started this regression is the new semester.
    My new psych. class and college comp. II have specific emphasis on groups and communication. I've been skipping English classes because I can't handle groups. I get shaky, and sweat. I can hear my heart thumping in my chest and now it's becoming a problem, making me sick. It's torture to sit on edge for 50 minute periods at a time.

    I wanted to go see the doc, he knows how I feel and I can confide in him, but I can't seem to make it to his damn office.
    I just feel so bad again.
    I sleep, wake up, shower, school, come home and sleep, eat dinner, get on the computer, then watch Harry Potter movies and go to sleep again.
    Why Harry Potter movies? Because there is nothing else I want to watch and I don't want to change in case I put something in that makes me feel worse.
    Everything feels so empty anymore.

    It is obvious I need to change, I just don't know how to. Everything feels so far away that I lose all motivation to change before I see any improvement.
    This whole thing just spirals. I think about how I feel, and then I wonder if it will last, what if I can't get past this, I won't just hang on if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life. It all churns together until I can't sleep and I'm terrified that it will never get better.

    I don't want to kill myself.
    I want to be happy.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    As you say you do need to see you doc. Apologies for addressing the practical part. If your stress/ anxiety is making you lose your way to the doc's could you ask your mother to go with you at least once while you drive? Drive her car and you follow? Any combination that ****ing works. Even call a cab. You want to be happy, you need help and none of us can do that by ourselves.
  3. belladonna88

    belladonna88 Member

    Hey, i know how you're feeling. This sounds very similar to me when i was still at school. I found communication really difficult. often i would have palpitations (you are probably having panic attacks) and i would run out of the school and go anywhere i felt more safe. Right now i feel that dazed feeling, and like time goes by so fast and i can never get anything done. I barely leave the house, it makes me too anxious. I have forms to fill in to get benefits, because i can't work right now, but even that seem to difficult, i get confused really easily and can't concentrate at all.

    You need help right now. How is your mom about this sitution? I know you say you don't want to talk to her about it, but if you're still young and need that help right now, you should try to reach out to her. I know that may not be possible though, i am 24 and living back with my mum but she does not tolerate mental heath problem atal, she has never accepted i need extra help with things.

    keep posting on this board at least. people seem really friendly and supportive here, and if their words can even lift your mood a little, it's better than nothing,
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Are you able to ring the dr's office for directions, use google maps, use a sat nav or even get a cab to the dr's office? The appointment is very important and you need to see the doctor so you can get your anxiety under control. If you can't do any of the above then just tell your mum that you can't seem to find the doctors office, and you need her help finding it. Even if it means you drove and she was in the car directing you.
  5. Clys

    Clys New Member

    i know how u feel, i do the same thing most mornings its the best i can do to just get up i dont bother to study because i just cant seem to make myself care, but that all changed recentely and i finally realised that what i needed was for something to need me, to depend on me to give me a purpose and slowly i got happier, so go to the doctors and this is gunna sound crazy but become part of something that needs u maybe a club or get a pet. i have beautiful month old baby girl who i owe my life to, if u need anyone to talk to trust me i know exactly how u feel message me :) i wanna help
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