I posted on here a while ago, the last time I was really depressed and contemplating suicide. Now here I am again and I can feel it building back up. The idea never really left. I never let go of thinking what if I killed myself, what if I could just stop it all right now. There's nowhere else I feel comfortable going. I don't want to talk to my 2 friends, I don't want to go talk to my mom. I just want to not feel like this. I've been drifting for months, maybe since the middle or end of last semester. November of 2012 I guess. Day in and day out I knew I wasn't happy, I wasn't motivated, I wasn't interested in anything. I got up and went to school, wrote my papers, did my work, and basically just existed. The last few weeks, I've been trying to break out of that. Trying to think again. Trying to get up and care about something. Now that I've snapped myself out of that daze, I can feel everything again. It went away for a while, I was almost slightly happy, then it faded, and now everything feels dirty and bad again. I need to go see my doctor, but I am apparently terrible with directions and I've missed my last 2 appointments because I can't find the place. My mom used to take me, but now that I can drive myself she had me go by myself. I could say a big part of what started this regression is the new semester. My new psych. class and college comp. II have specific emphasis on groups and communication. I've been skipping English classes because I can't handle groups. I get shaky, and sweat. I can hear my heart thumping in my chest and now it's becoming a problem, making me sick. It's torture to sit on edge for 50 minute periods at a time. I wanted to go see the doc, he knows how I feel and I can confide in him, but I can't seem to make it to his damn office. I just feel so bad again. I sleep, wake up, shower, school, come home and sleep, eat dinner, get on the computer, then watch Harry Potter movies and go to sleep again. Why Harry Potter movies? Because there is nothing else I want to watch and I don't want to change in case I put something in that makes me feel worse. Everything feels so empty anymore. It is obvious I need to change, I just don't know how to. Everything feels so far away that I lose all motivation to change before I see any improvement. This whole thing just spirals. I think about how I feel, and then I wonder if it will last, what if I can't get past this, I won't just hang on if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life. It all churns together until I can't sleep and I'm terrified that it will never get better. I don't want to kill myself. I want to be happy.