Here I am again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by delargeal, Jun 29, 2008.

  1. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    I don't know. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me anymore. The last year has been hell. I fucked my college course, although managed to scrape enough for university.

    The problem being the last few months, my teacher has been a complete dick. He aint helped us with work and constantly tries to blame other people for his own disorganisation. He also goes off on some weird mood swings were he starts verbally abusing people and then seems to be fine and happy less than an hour later. He's made it hell and I can be quite happy to say I don't ever have to see him again.

    Problem is that they know my situation what with being a depressive with suicidal ideation and yet they've offered me no help or even showed any real attempt at making me feel better. Just another of life's problems that people seem happy to ignore, that's all I am.

    Don't want to take any fucking pills or go through all that therapy shit again but I need help.

    I'm tired of keeping this some huge fucking secret. Although if I ever let it out publicly, I'd suffer ridicule and total neglect for it.

    Why the fuck does it have to be like this? The only people who even try to help you are actually paid to do so. God knows my parents never gave a crap and just swept it under the rug and pretended it wasn't there.

    It's the same with everyone. Everyone knows that depression exists but no one wants to do anything about it and won't even acknowledge or help someone who is suffering.

    That just darn right aint fair.
  2. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Ok in some sort of crazy manic episode. Can't sit still. What the hell am I even doing? Who the fuck knows?
  3. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    well i'm glad to hear you don't have to see that individual anymore. i'm sorry things have been such a struggle. i know what it's like when even your parents could care less. mine never did a thing to help. they always did their best to ignore it.

    well, we're here for ya. go figure we aren't gettin' paid either, and we still care.

    :please: take care and stay safe
  4. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Ok, update time.

    Been about 2 months since I first started this post. I've been on holiday for pretty much all of that time and things have been a bit more relaxed than when I was at college and most things mentioned in the first post.

    Keep intensely overanalyzing things as usual. After writing the first post, people had begun to tell me how they thought the teacher was a total dick to begin with but now think he's a decent guy. For me and my friends it was the other way around.

    It reminds me of a mate who used to get pissed off with the teacher. He was always asking useful questions etc. and was repeatedly made to look like an idiot. The same way he'd started treating the rest of us.

    The ones who think he's a decent guy were of the group of people who he had admitted he didn't think would do well yet repeatedly told us we were some of the best. I think he was threatened by our potential.

    Hell, one of my friends had shit all confidence at the start of the year and it was difficult to get him to even sit behind a mixing desk. He got more confident and starting showing he really had the potential to do good. That's the only time the teacher has paid attention to him and only then it was to call his work pathetic and laughable.

    I just think that he's threatened by anyone who could be smarter and better than him. I've already proven myself a better man than him.

    I dunno, these are just thoughts pertaining to someone who drove me to the brink of alcoholism and suicide, who was even aware of my situation at the time, and my reluctance to let it go. I'm feeling very paranoid and literate this evening.
  5. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Ok, when I actually intended to write this 2 hours ago but got distracted. When I started, I was in a worse mood.

    Gonna start it off with updates since I last posted here:

    1) Moved house: became a stressful thing due to my parents
    2)Started uni: hasn't been too bad

    Basically I'm now living in a house with about 5 other students who have been nothing but really great mates to me since I got here. I feel happier here than I did at home (not as much bitching and whining).

    Went to a kung fu lesson last night, which had pretty much fucked the muscles in my upper leg. Well not badly, just stings a little if I stand up for a while. Sitting down and standing up causes me a bit of pain and stairs are just a tad bit painful. May even go back again.

    Gonna start going to the gym.

    I actually got a bit sidetracked. The point is, things have been great since moving house (I'm not as depressed, nor is my insomnia causing me aggro at night.

    Unfortunately, today I had an episode (or relapse). I just felt so down and I didn't know why. Feels kinda weird having suicidal thoughts again after 3 months without them.

    I've sorta come down off that episode. However, it made me miss a martial arts class that I really should've gone to and I do feel bad about that because it is something I really want to do and it just stopped me.

    I just feel bad because I know what happened just a few months ago and how I felt then. Now I know from my last relapse a year ago that it can only get worse from here and it was particularly bad today although lasted only a few hours.

    I sort of made a pledge to myself that if I ever started feeling like that again, I'd book myself in with a shrink or a counsellor and maybe even take pills if I need to. Guess I probably won't have kept that pledge.

    Maybe it was just a one off but in the last few weeks I have had a few hypomanic moments.
  6. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Yet, again. This is sort of an event that I don't really want to talk about, but do want to talk about it.

    I've noticed my housemate is very creative, often disappearing off to play instruments quite frequently. He has also admitted that he has suffered from depression quite badly in the past.

    Today, he kinda freaked. He came downstairs and went in the fridge and got out a yoghurt and sort of screamed, chucking it across the room and pretty much getting into the fetal position on the floor. He said he just really wants to hit something. He said he was feeling low and when he came downstairs he just felt violent all of a sudden.

    He then said that he was gonna take a walk but first he'd clean up the mess with the yoghurt. After wiping some, he lashed out again and punched the fridge. He then left the house not long after of his own accord.

    I think he got back a few minutes ago, but I'm sorta wary of approaching him. He's probably cooled down but probably feels really bad about what happened. He's a good guy and this sort of thing isn't normal for him.

    I just worry because I know that behaviour all too well. I think it's probably why we've got along so well. It's my behaviour just more extreme. I've been so close to that many times. I've had to resist the urge to just throw things about and smash things.

    I know it too well. I want to help him, but the whole thing is probably too embarassing for him to really talk about. It's ok when you're on your own. But when around 4 of your housemates, you probably feel even worse about it.

    I don't want to force anything on him but from the way he's talking, stuff like this has happened before. I just don't want someone who I see almost as family have anything like that happen again. I also hate the idea that I could lash out like that in front of my friends and family, I know I could and have been close to that before.
  7. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member


    It's been a weird day today. It hasn't been a good day nor has it been a bad day particularly, I'm just not quite sure what went on really.

    Had some weird spaced out feeling all day. Felt like I was in a dream. My vision was slightly blurry and everything just seemed a bit weird. I just felt generally unwell because everything seemed so weird and confusing.

    I came home still a little spaced out and had a bit of trouble breathing and started having some mild twitches in my arms. I sorta thought I was having a seizure or something. It just felt so weird.

    I'm still a little spaced now but it's not too bad. I'm fairly coherent about what I'm doing. I feel a little nauseous and my head is a bit funny. Just lost my whole train of thought. I don't know. Everything is just a bit spacey. Feel like I'm gonna pass out.
  8. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    In a rut...

    I dunno. I'm kinda in a bit of a rut here. I've come to university and doing course that I sorta want to do but I just feel my path lies elsewhere.

    I'm currently doing a music technology degree but what I really want to do is writing and literature.

    The problem with writing though is I tend to get very little done due to my battles with depression which at times inspires me whilst at the same time causes me to become apathetic. I have all these creative ideas that I just can't act on.

    I also find english literature as a subject awkward because it normally involves reading and analysing books. I have never been particularly good at reading books as I just simply don't have the patience to stay focused for the amount of time it takes to read a novel.

    English was one of my worst subjects in school despite my love of writing. You always had to write essays on things you didn't want to write about or books you didn't like and it always annoyed me that there was a sheer lack of creativity in the subject.

    I also don't want to quit music tech as it's something I enjoy doing yet I don't see myself with a career in the music industry. It seems like I'm doing this for the sake of doing it, because I don't really know what it is I want to do with my life.

    I think it may be best to go through the first year of this course and see what happens and then maybe start doing literature. But I don't want to have to do 4 years at uni and feel like I wasted this year.

    I think that maybe I made a mistake in going straight to uni from college. A year out may have been a good idea. But then what would I have done with this year. I wouldn't have met the friends that I trust and care about. My life may have had more direction but at the expense of meeting some good friends.

    I'm also thinking of signing up to the university counselling service. Although I don't think I need a counsellor. I think I need a psychiatrist. I also don't really want the university knowing of my problems (even though the counselling service is strictly confidential).

    I just don't know what to do really. I like what I'm doing now but I really want to do something else. I'm in such a rut. What the hell am I doing with my life?
  9. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    What seriously is wrong with me! ARRRRGH!!!!!

    The last few days I've been really sort of going through the motions. I've just had no drive to do anything. I'm only doing it because I sort of feel I have to such as going to uni and whatnot. I'm only doing it because it's kind of important.

    For most of saturday I was pretty much a recluse. I didn't feel like having any real contact with people and stayed in my room most of the day.

    Today I didn't want to go into uni and when I did, my attention span was ridiculously low. Couldn't focus for more than a few minutes without drifting off. From what I did gather, most of it was important and useful things that I really needed to know but I can't remember any of it.

    I'm also missing a martial arts class tonight (partly due to a friends birthday) just because I'm really not interested at the minute yet it's something that's quite important to me.

    Last night, I had trouble getting to sleep and I sorta panicked. I'd thought I'd got rid of most of my problems with insomnia and it just kinda seemed to be back. I panicked because I know it's a sign of another big relapse.

    I've only been mildly depressed the last 2 months and if I'm judging anything by my last relapse, it's gonna be worse than it has before. I know it seems a bit daft, but my last relapse left me more willing to do things such as self-harming and more capable of killing myself. I worry that in the next few weeks and months I'll be completely self-destructive and I won't be able to help myself.

    God I really fucking hate this.
  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Re: What seriously is wrong with me! ARRRRGH!!!!!

    Uuuuugh, I know the feeling of a drop in motivation.

    I was a keener. I never skipped, I worked hard on all my assignments, and I got the grades to match.

    Depression struck. Skipped everything. Had panic attacks with regards to exams I couldn't study for.

    Medication helped IMMENSELY, but the habits still stuck, unfortunately. Medication will help you get back on track and doing the things you like to do.
  11. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    The Wanderer

    Dunno, things have just been too weird recently.

    First off, I quit smoking. Havn't had a single cigarette in nearly a week.

    Secondly, seem to have had a spike in hypomanic episodes. Been spending a good part of a few days having them. I'll be basically full of energy and really agitated about not doing anything, yet my attention is flicking from place to place so I can't actually do anything.

    Right now I should be writing a university essay yet I just can't do it. I can't start it. I can't sit there and focus on it for enough time to write it and somehow keep managing to distract myself with other things (like this).

    Also been walking alot the last few days. Been pretty much off on a walk within half an hour of being awake (which is early to mid afternoon for the past couple of days). The only reason I've turned round and come home particularly is because I havn't wanted to wander about on my own when it's dark. If it wern't winter, I'd be out there wandering about for hours on end.

    I don't know why I'm even doing it. I just have to do it. I have no reason or excuse. I'm just walking, that's it. It's a compulsion, I have to walk somewhere. I can't help it. I'd feel horrible if I didn't do it.

    Maybe I should actually stop now and try to make an effort to do this essay.
  12. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    3 hours

    Just looked at the last post I made 3 hours ago.

    It's taken me 3 hours to write a 500 word essay, with only about an hour and a half actually spent writing.

    I've been getting distracted so easily it's unbelievable. It's taken me most of the day to write 500 words.

    A major problem is that it's a reflective report, so I've ended up focusing alot on the differences between now and college and end up bringing up a lot of bad memories about my time there, then I had to take a break for a while just to calm down and forget about it.

    I also feel the essay is completely wrong (I was working from the assignment sheet), as I'm pretty sure we were told to put stuff in there that I havn't even though I've worked from the assignment brief.

    It's just been an annoying farce to try and write an essay where I don't really understand what it is that I'm supposed to be writing aswell as frequent over-analysis and trying to fit it all in 500 words. The amount of stuff it tells you to do should be for a 1000 word essay, there's just that much you've got to put in it.

    God, after that, I could really go for a cigarette but if I give in after this short a time I'll never be able to stop thinking about it.
  13. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member


    Today was kinda weird. I got pretty pissed off in a tutorial. Something wasn't working and I wanted to just blow my top, chuck the computer monitor out the window and attack the tutor with a keyboard.

    Dodgiest bit is after I left, I realised that I wasn't actually pissed off with the lesson. It didn't bother me and somehow I was so angry I just wanted to hit something.

    Last night, I looked into writer's groups near where I live. I suppose it's like with one of my mates, he's drawn to other musicians and he feels uncomfortable without them.

    I should quit trying to tell myself that I'm a musician. It just causes me grief, being in the room with other musicians and knowing I can't play a single fucking instrument.

    Although I'm drawn to people like that, I just feel a different pull at the moment. I need to be around other writers. It's not about creativity, it's just about being among my own kind and being able to do something rather than sit around while everyone else is part of something that I can't be.

    As much as I hate to say it, I'm not a musician. I'm a writer and I just feel a calling to find others and maybe get my drive back and start writing properly again.

    It's just something I have to do.
  14. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Sleep, sleep. Dear God let me get some sleep

    Remember when I mentioned the potential return of my insomnia? Well it appears to be back.

    Monday I was awake till 4am.

    Last night I was awake till 7am.

    I feel so shit right now. It feels worse than it has been. I've normally managed to fall asleep by 5 at the latest in the past but I just couldn't sleep at all last night.

    It's annoying because when I watch TV or wander around the house I'm fucking knackered and when I go to bed and try to sleep, I'm just not tired and my mind won't rest for more than a few minutes.

    Tried having a bit of a nap earlier but the same thing happened and it just couldn't be done.

    I've got a 9am start tomorrow. If I'm not asleep by about 2am then I'm not gonna go in to uni. But I've got to go out tomorrow to do some shopping. All I have left food wise is 3 eggs, some butter and some oven chips.

    Also, been breaking non-smoking habit. When you're trying to quit smoking and you've got insomnia, it just seems a better thing to do than sit there and stare at walls all night.

    I have some medication which was prescribed nearly 2 years ago. It's buspirone and it only works for me about 5% of time. Most of the time I just get the side effects such as nausea, fever etc. So instead of being awake all night bored off my arse with nothing to do, I get to be awake all night and feel sick as a dog instead.

    You can see why I have such a blatant dislike for taking them. Did take valium a few times but that didn't work either.

    Bugger all works.
  15. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Home is where your heart is

    Ok, the sleeping problems have gone down a bit, must've just been a bad week last week.

    Had a kind of weird weekend. I went back to my hometown on saturday to see the family and to see two of my old schoolmates.

    Had a fun night. Took over the jukebox in a pub, had a fair few drinks, didn't stay out too late and had a really good time.

    But when I got home that night, I kinda freaked and got really all depressive. I was on the verge of crying and just going a bit mad with grief. It was either because of the drink, or the fact I went back to be in a house where I wasn't truly happy.

    What really bothered me though, was one of them asked if I had smoked or drunk anything before I went out to meet them. I hadn't and couldn't really understand, or care, why he thought that.

    I was a bit manic at the time. I realised that yesterday when I recollected how much I had actually drunk, sinking 2 or 3 pints in the time it took my friends to drink one. I also remember how hyper and giddy I was, at the time I didn't really realise it.

    Is that how bad I've gotten. That one of my closest friends even notices when I'm manic when he hadn't before.

    I've felt it for a while, my manic episodes are getting worse. So much so that I'm almost losing control completely. I don't think I'll be able to hide it for much longer.

    I should really see about getting help. Hell, my own best friends have to ask me if I'm on drugs. They probably suspect I'm some kind of junky or something.
  16. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Someone on my level

    This is just a quick post. Basically I'm just feeling a bit isolated. Half the house are still away for the holidays and it's the half that I tend to prefer the company of, with no offence to the other half.

    I just feel annoyed at the moment because I remembered my old standing as being 'gifted and talented' back in school and how it's always caused me to be more isolated. Out of supposedly 60 other 'gifted' individuals, I was the only one who had to do more work than everyone else. The only one who never got a reward for it. No commendations, no congratulations etc. I just got forced into something I didn't want to do and didn't get anything from it.

    Now I just have to isolate myself because most people just can't seem to understand what the fuck I'm talking about half the time. It's just easier to be quiet and not bother.

    I'm just tired of it. I just want one person who is on the same level as me. Someone who understands me. That's why my relationships suck because I'm on a completely different wavelength to everybody else.

    I just want to be able to communicate with someone who can understand what I'm saying.
  17. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Goddammit, fucking mood swings. I'm so fucking pissed off right now over nothing.
  18. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    Everyone's worst enemy

    It's one of those days.

    Got a fairly big presentation tomorrow for which my only other group member is missing, apparently due to a test or something he booked months ago which is fair enough but it's also the fact he didn't turn up at lesson last week which meant that no work could be done on said presentation at all last week which means that in this very moment I should actually be working on this presentation right now instead of writing all this. I have to stand up in front of everyone tomorrow on my own and pretty much bullshit my way through a presentation about a project of where I have little more than a basic idea of what we're doing.

    I keep getting hassled and made fun of by my housemates. First off, I got yelled at for apparently ruining a film by saying, and I quote, "I found the ending a bit confusing". What the fuck!? How is that ruining a film? The film in this case is Silent Hill. See? I've absolutely ruined the film for everyone else by telling them nothing about the plot, characters, direction or even the ending apart from the fact that the ending was a bit confusing.

    Next I get yelled at for thinking conspiracy theories are fun and interesting. Real or not, some of the more bizarre are incredibly interesting. Shit like the men in black and the montauk project etc. I enjoy reading about that sort of stuff. Whether you believe it or not, it's still interesting.

    I'm also incredibly tired of being the first person everyone comes to blame things on. For fuck's sake. I pretty much got arsed for the oven being left on the other week and all the other apparent incidents involving the oven being left on that are somehow my fault. I live with 5 other people who have terrible short term memory yet for some bizarre reason, even having better memory than most of them, I am the one who gets arsed for the oven being left on. Fucking ridiculous.

    I pretty much got arsed today about the washing up. Hell, I'm one of the only two people in the house who can be bothered to wash the pots after I use them. I often, like today, have to wash a bunch of stuff up just so I can have something to eat. So I really don't appreciate people implying that all the washing up is mine when I've been doing half of everybody else's washing up since the day I moved in just so I can have something to eat.

    And finally, I'm tired of them not involving me in anything. They started watching a film last night and decided not to tell me about it. I only caught the second half because I went into my housemate's room while they were watching it, even though I could hear it fairly clearly in my own room.

    You know, sometimes I feel like giving up on humanity altogether. Even people who are basically good still manage to find the time to hurt others and make them feel like shit. Yet for some reason, I still cling to the hope that there is some good in this world. I suppose the day in which I stop believing that is the day you'll all be saying goodbye to me. Just pray it isn't soon.
  19. delargeal

    delargeal Well-Known Member

    It's not been too great a day today.

    Tuesday's presentation went ok, I did quite well despite my group member not having turned up.

    Today I woke up late. For some reason my phone was on silent (though I'm fairly sure I made sure it wasn't last night) so it didn't wake me up which meant I turned up to uni well over an hour late, missing out on a fairly useful tutorial.

    Also annoyed because my group member had not turned up again and have now found out a couple of hours ago that he's dropping out of university meaning I am now left with no group to do my project with.

    So now I need to find a new group to work and the only group I would particularly want to work with are already at maximum capacity so I'm probably gonna end up working with people I don't want to. It's also a major annoyance because I had some ideas that I really wanted to do but I'll have to forget about them and go do something else.

    And more annoyingly, I was supposed to be going on holiday with my family next week which I've now had to cancel because I have to spend that week getting acquainted with a new group and their ideas.

    I'm not actually angry it. I'm more upset than anything because I was looking forward to this holiday and looking forward to doing this project. But now, I'm gonna have to end up doing the complete opposite of what I want to do.

    I'm also worried because I havn't felt this down in months and I just feel that it could completely tip me over the edge if anything else goes wrong.
  20. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    A teacher can be reported for verbal abuse surely? You should not have to take such aggression.