Here I am

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by L0s7, Jun 14, 2007.

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  1. L0s7

    L0s7 New Member

    Well, my name's Mike and I fucked things up... That's how it works with alcoholics/junkies and all that kind of stuff we know from the movies, doesn't it?
    I'm 18 years old and if you didn't know what's up inside of me you could probably say that I've had an awesome life so far... Was born to a middle-class family, we've got a nice house, I've got a fair relationship with my parents and sister and materially speaking I've always had whatever I wanted.
    My personality was a bit weird from the start, I'm afraid of failure in some things because I know how much my family is going to overreact. But I got used to live with it but still, accepting that I'm not "the best" is still a bit hard to understand for the people closest around me. That's just one things I'm concerned about and itself it's just a minuscule problem that I don't really give a fuck about.
    However... 'bout four years ago I've fallen in love. You might say : yea that's about the age when these things happen. The girl was my classmate for 8 years and I've sort of build a really strong relationship to her. All my life I only cared for myself, I was a little narcissistic but now.. Now I don't give a fuck about my life, without her nothing makes sense, nothing is interesting, there are no feelings only those linked with her.. There's nothing else that matters more. When I think of her or look into her eyes, I'd like to freeze those moments - maybe it would make me feel better and I wouldn't have to post into this forum.
    We've been making some sort of class parties once in a while - a couple of months - where everyone got drunk and stuff. So did I, so did her. We've always ended together, hugging, she cried .. Cried and said she loves me but she can't now (to explain , she's got a boyfriend).. Same thing happened about 2 weeks ago. I was high, she drank something - and we were together again. She kissed me and I could do anything in that moment, no wall was high or strong enough to go through. I took care of her, was cold there and everything. Was awake for the entire night just looking at her sleeping.. The next morning I Couldn't find any words to tell her, just said goodbye and went home. Next day she called me that she's sorry for the trouble and that she's happy she had someone to take care for her when she needed it.. I didn't know what to think, what to do... It's 4 years, not 4 months. Four fucking years that there's nothing else that matters for me. I don't want her to break up with her boyfriend, I just want her to be happy.. But now she's sad and it's all my fault.. Speaking from my side I'd be happy picking up garbage on the street, living from hand to mouth - only if she would be with me.. I mean, there seriously is nothing I wouldn't do for her, any time, any day...
    Though of course she had probs with her boyfriend after that night .. I called her out, just to talk, first she didn't wanna but than she wrote me herself.
    Yesterday I had my university admission test.. The night before she called me out. We went and talked and talked about stuff.. 3 hours . Than we went to the parking lot and again.. I wasn't drunk so I COULDN'T GET THE WORDS SCREAMING IN MY HEAD OUT.. I FAILED FUCKING AGAIN.. And sure thing I fucked up the exam I was studying for for ages because I couldn't focus for SHIT.. I asked her what she was doing tomorrow.. She asked me to call her. Did that.. Told me she's gotta stay home yesterday. Today I wrote her, said she ain't feeling good and we maybe will see each other on Friday.
    I think I've lost her forever. I was waiting for too long. Too fucking long I was hiding..
    Now don't tell me there's plenty of other girls out there. For me there's only one that matters and it will never change. I can't really build a relationship because she's all I'm thinking about. For a couple of years I was playing comp games to have some sort of a hideout from the real world. Now I quit and it's all consuming me .. Destroying.. My heart's not broken.. it's ran over by a fucking fire truck - my stupidity, my I-am-shy dumb behavior.
    I know that most of you will say that this ain't a serious problem, that this shit happens every day and people just stand up and walk away with their chins up. For me, there's nothing left. I'm not alive, I'm just breathing to keep my heart beating - but there's nobody to live for anymore.
    I simply.. I've got these 30 minute depressions where I'm walking near railways, bridges, thinking about cutting my wrists, overdose, jumping under a speeding car... Than the pieces of love that I still feel make me go somewhere and get fucking high or drunk to forget about everything for a while. This is not how I want to live.. As I said I think that the only thing that ever mattered is now lost and I'll never feel my love back. Therefore I think I'll just end it, the sorrow is too hard to take now. Yes it will make people cry and that's what I kinda don't want but I just can't take my failures, my shyness and my fucking-up-my-own-life anymore. .. .


    p.s. sorry for my English - not a native speaker obviously
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Mike,first of all I'd like to say pleased to meet you and that you do sound like a very Intelligent young fella I read the whole of your story.For starter's if you're feeling depressed regardless of what other's may think and despite what some may say it's obviously a problem for whatever reason's.

    let me share a story with you because I fully understand what you're talking about,I'm 32 year's of age and remember my first true crush on a girl at high school when I was 16 year's og age she actually asked me out but because I was so shy and scared at the time I didn't say anything to her.she ended up going out with another guy and it fully killed me to bit's at the time each day hurting so badly and waiting for them to break up.

    Eventually they broke up and I was happy,I ended up seeing her kissing another guy while I was playing soccer with friend's one day and I remember feeling like shit.this was way back in 1991 and I remember it was the first full time in my life going back that I felt my depression badly.That year I broke down at the start of the year for no reason what so ever and I was sent home with my father picking me up but no one suspected anything.

    Anyway to get back onto the Topic at hand,at the end of the year I ended up being in a moment with this girl,but although I guess we could've kissed I think going back I was scared at the time as a 16 year old guy who never had been with a girl was strange but I still had some sought of feeling's for her.

    Mike the one thing you're saying is that I know what you mean when you're talking about only wanting that one girl and whatever anyone say's about being other's you don't want to hear.Let me tell you that the same sought of thing happened to me again a few years down the track and now that girl who is still a close friend of mine's sister is married to someone.Does it still hurt now year's after this has all happened with either one I don't really know to be honest.

    But what I do know is that I understand where you're coming from,I know it's hard Mike seeing the girl you love and want to be with,with someone else i know all that pain.the emotion's you're feeling buddy I know them all,I don't want you to feel worse I'm just saying I understand how you feel and if you want to talk about it you know I understand it all mate.
  3. L0s7

    L0s7 New Member

    Thank you for your answer mate. I mean, last couple of weeks I was thinking that I'm probably the only one that simply cannot move forward in his life. I guess that some feelings are stronger than we think..
    Thing is that I've lost all the respect I ever had to myself, I've lost all my hopes,dreams and goals. The only thing seriously keeping me alive is thinking about her.. It's funny in some sort of way - how much can love change a person.. I used to be optimistic now I'm a walking corpse, pissed off about everything.
    Maybe suicide really is the way out of this, can't imagine solving it in any other way.
  4. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Mike I do honestly believe there is a way out of this apart from suicide,but mate I'm going to be honest with you it will take time but that doesn't mean it won't eventually get better.I do understand all the emotion's you're feeling,I felt the same when I was in love virtually my whole world seemed to revolve that person and nothing else mattered.

    So I do know how hard it is,I know how shattered and empty you feel so I would like to keep reminding that your feeling's are not silly,abnormal or anything like that.They're absolutely normal and if they're causing you to feel in such a way well then they're serious also.Just to let you know I can lend a hand as much as I can to you.
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