Here I am

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by doityourself, Sep 27, 2010.

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  1. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    How depressing to be signing up for yet another suicide forum. Ive been diagnosed with bipolar, manic depression and anxiety.

    Im having a hard time now because I have tried everything and still Im here feeling depressed and trying to talk myself out of the thoughts that are running through my head.

    Little background,

    I was sexually abused as a child by my father and uncle, grew up in a very drug infested violent family. Anything you can think of, I either been through it or see it with my own eyes.

    My first and only suicide attempt was at 15, took pills that made me sick but wernt strong enough to take me.

    Been married for going on 16 years and have 2 boys. I fight everyday to just get out of bed and to go through the daily routines of life.

    I have been through therapy and am currently on medications that dont work. The following is a post that I made on another site that got no responds. Not sure what Im looking for here, just dont know what else to do.....

    Im having a hard time!!!

    So here I am again, months and months into taking medications that is suppose to cure all, right? NOPE-it’s not working (NEVER DOES FOR VERY LONG)-it did for a little while but now I feel like I’m back to where I started. I hate life, I hate myself. I have so much anger that I want to crash my car into a tree, but for what I don’t even know. What the hell am I so mad about? Why do things never change for me?

    I feel like I’m doomed to live a life of misery and depression. Why is it that I try so hard and nothing works? Why can’t I enjoy my family and be satisfied with life? Why do I have to always feel like any moment would be a good moment to check out?

    Why am I so jealous and envious of others because it’s so easy for them to smile or laugh? Why can’t that be me? Why can’t I see my life as a good life, I have 2 great boys and an H that still loves me. Why doesn’t that make me happy? Why am I always searching for some meaning to who knows what?

    Why did I live through all the hell I did just to have my brain tell me that I just want to end it all? Why are there never any answers to these questions? Why do I constantly feel like I want to rip someone apart? It’s wearing me down and making me so tired, that I can’t seem to have any energy for anything else.

    Think positive-check
    Exercise- check
    Keep Busy-check

    I just don’t know what else to do, I’m out of options! I know tomorrow is a different day but really I so tired of waiting for the little bit of good that I feel, its def not an even playing field.

    For those that will tell me to find GOD, thank you but well I can’t find him; it’s to dark in here. Where the hell was he when I needed him? I know I have 2 sons and an H that this will affect for the rest of their lives, I know they will be heartbroken; I know that I will taint their childhoods. I know all of this, BUT

    I just don’t see how I’m going to make it…….I’ve been fighting for so long that I’m to tired, I just want to give up. I just want to stop feeling like I would be better off dead. Where do I go from here, if my life is better off not existing?
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hi doityourself im so happy you made it here.
    ladies and gentleman this is the lady who was talking me through my last attempt, so i guess you could say i owe her my life,she is the reason i have stopped drinking,so i know she is going to be a huge asset to this forum,
    im so sad youre feeling down today i wish i had the right words to help you,you know i say youre a fantastic person,a wonderful mum,and a great wife but the world would be a empty place without you,please keep fighting i hope you get some great friends on here like i have therye very friendly here
  3. JRM

    JRM Member

    Hi doityourself, glad to see you on the boards. The only thing I could ask you is if through you're therapy they've ever been able to find out the "whys" that are associated with why you feel the way you feel. I'm aware of what you mentioned about the abuse and such, but those abuses are the cause of a very specific mindset that you now have inside of you. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-- I was diagnosed when I was 6 and lost a lot of my childhood because of it. I grew up very quickly in a very competitive, overachieving family. But those aren't the direct reasons why I feel anxious at times. It comes from fear. It's an unrealistic fear, but it's a fear that has because a part of my mind and has a wall that's associated with it. I've tried for years to tear that wall down. It's an exhausting battle, and I have yet to really win, but I had made great strides before my most recent depression that I feel now.

    What is your life philosophy? What do you desire to achieve from life? What is the cost to you of achieving it. Is the cost greater than the gains? The one that has hope says "no." The one without it says "yes" and therefore can't put them-self past the lack of value that will be gained for so much struggle. But you need to identify "why" it seems that way.

    One thing all of us with PTSD have in common is this: a natural lack of feeling in control. What happens is that when we go through a traumatic experience, that experience displaces our perception. So while the average man may not panic unless he is truly in a life threatening situation, people like us will panic with nearly anything that makes us feel that the control over ourselves in some way is removed (like, going into certain social situations where we're not comfortable with, or flying on a plane, etc.), and that stimulates the same conditioned result. But the original event isn't to be blamed for this-- it is the current perception. And it's a struggle. You have to fight it out-- there's no real cure, only coping. But you have to find something that matters and CLING to it as much as you can-- which is easier said than done. I'm struggling with that right now myself, so I'm certainly not the best example of how to go about doing that. But I have faith that it can be done.
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member


    That is such a sweet post, thank you very much for those nice words. Believe it or not it brought tears to my eyes and means way more than you think.

    Im so glad that youve been able to quit drinking but dont give me all the credit you did all the hard work.

    Feeling a little better after my word tantrum today, took the kids to football and attempted playing tennis with the younger one. Which ended up being chase ball day but it got my heartbeat going and my mind occupied, even if it only lasted for a few minutes.

    Just wish this down would hurry up. Sometimes they just last way to long.

    Hope today has been a good day for you!!!
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope to the down will soon turn upwards the depression cycle is so draining. I am happy you have children as they will be the tie that hold you here My child who is not 21 is the only reason i stay. I know you say you have tried all the meds but there are new one just made have you tries the newer ones out there even the add on ones they help as well. Therapy well it helps to heal the wounds of yesterday I too well i had a rough life too and i found therapy brought all that pain to the forefront and it was hard to face it but it helped

    Anyways i am glad you are here You will find people care here they do and i hope you continue to rant to vent to get the pain out of inside you it helps it really does.

    take care okay
  6. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Welcome! :)
  7. SnowFallenAngel

    SnowFallenAngel Well-Known Member

    Welcome doityourself

    I hope you will find help here, I am new too:cool:

    Snow xxxx
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    You know, Ive never thought of it this way. Yes Ive been depressed for many of years, way to many to count but the fear of being depressed, being suicicdial, being well just me is what keeps me lagging. I agree that we have to get over our childhoods and for some that may come easy. For me, I forgiven and have moved passed what happened. Its hard to not think of it when all the family I have left still lives it though.

    Coping-how to cope with feelings of doom, depression, desperation, the unforgiving and never ending feeling of no self worth. I dont know, still working on it. Im 33 and been dealing with it I think around 8-9 so coping is what has gotten me to this point. Now I want to overcome, just not cope.

    When will the time come that these feelings go away or atleast settle down a little?

    I wonder why I lived through what I did to just feel this way? How fair is that? Im tired, so tired and emotionally drained that I may be on the verge of just not caring about anything and yes I do fear that.

    Im sorry you had a rough childhood and you are still dealing with it to. Thank you for your post.

    Hope today has been a better day.
  9. Punk

    Punk Well-Known Member

    Hello DIY. Greetings from London.
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    HI Punk, love the name!
  11. Punk

    Punk Well-Known Member

    I know make my day, lol
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