:sigh: How depressing to be signing up for yet another suicide forum. Ive been diagnosed with bipolar, manic depression and anxiety. Im having a hard time now because I have tried everything and still Im here feeling depressed and trying to talk myself out of the thoughts that are running through my head. Little background, I was sexually abused as a child by my father and uncle, grew up in a very drug infested violent family. Anything you can think of, I either been through it or see it with my own eyes. My first and only suicide attempt was at 15, took pills that made me sick but wernt strong enough to take me. Been married for going on 16 years and have 2 boys. I fight everyday to just get out of bed and to go through the daily routines of life. I have been through therapy and am currently on medications that dont work. The following is a post that I made on another site that got no responds. Not sure what Im looking for here, just dont know what else to do..... Im having a hard time!!! So here I am again, months and months into taking medications that is suppose to cure all, right? NOPE-it’s not working (NEVER DOES FOR VERY LONG)-it did for a little while but now I feel like I’m back to where I started. I hate life, I hate myself. I have so much anger that I want to crash my car into a tree, but for what I don’t even know. What the hell am I so mad about? Why do things never change for me? I feel like I’m doomed to live a life of misery and depression. Why is it that I try so hard and nothing works? Why can’t I enjoy my family and be satisfied with life? Why do I have to always feel like any moment would be a good moment to check out? Why am I so jealous and envious of others because it’s so easy for them to smile or laugh? Why can’t that be me? Why can’t I see my life as a good life, I have 2 great boys and an H that still loves me. Why doesn’t that make me happy? Why am I always searching for some meaning to who knows what? Why did I live through all the hell I did just to have my brain tell me that I just want to end it all? Why are there never any answers to these questions? Why do I constantly feel like I want to rip someone apart? It’s wearing me down and making me so tired, that I can’t seem to have any energy for anything else. Think positive-check Exercise- check Medications-check Therapy-check Keep Busy-check I just don’t know what else to do, I’m out of options! I know tomorrow is a different day but really I so tired of waiting for the little bit of good that I feel, its def not an even playing field. For those that will tell me to find GOD, thank you but well I can’t find him; it’s to dark in here. Where the hell was he when I needed him? I know I have 2 sons and an H that this will affect for the rest of their lives, I know they will be heartbroken; I know that I will taint their childhoods. I know all of this, BUT I just don’t see how I’m going to make it…….I’ve been fighting for so long that I’m to tired, I just want to give up. I just want to stop feeling like I would be better off dead. Where do I go from here, if my life is better off not existing?