Here I go......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Emptysoul, Apr 26, 2008.

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  1. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    Well what shall I put? Its not like anyones gonna see this post, almost no-ones online.
    Ive drunk a bottle and a half of red wine (1 litre bottles) felt slightly drunk half an hour ago but seem to have sobered up lol. Ive taken some sleeping pills but they aint working either, never any luck lol. Knowing my luck I could take the whole bottle and i'd still wake up at 2pm later on today, whatever i take i seem to wake up then.
    Not that im condoning suicide (and im not!) what ever I seem to try it never works, mabie my survival instinct is too strong and it stops my body from going into shock and dying..........
    Oh the South Australian Cabernet Sauvignon in drinking now tastes so much better than the South African Ruby Cabernet Merlot I was drinking, now thats a suprise lol.
    I know I went off track but I love my red wines (its not enough to stop me killing myself tho). Im watching a love/murder film on itv and i cant concentrate, mabie thats good, i know im rambling here but im good at that lol.

    I dont know what to do, I feel really down an depressed, its prob the alcohol. I really shouldnt drink but the last time I shared a bottle of red was b4 christmas and I fancied some lol. Its just so hard, coping with everyone and everything. I dont know any reason to carrying on living anymore, its all to much. ive tried looking for help but unless i go to my docs i will have to pay for it and i cant afford it as have no job.
    Mabie i should just **** myself or take a super large overdose, i checked what i had and ive got over 500 pills which is at least 9 diffrent painkillers plus some other pills, that would mean a deff winning chance. mabie i should just do it. if i survived id be a vegitable and i wouldnt know any diffrent anyway.
  2. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    ive got respect for so many ppl but they never give me any, in fact i get nothing from ppl, they just ignore me and carry on with their lifes.
    Im a ghost, mabie i should make myself one!
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hey empty. Before you take all those pills, have you first called a suicide hotline to talk with someone about what you're talking about doing? Talking with other people - counsellors - has helped keep me alive for two years. Think about it.
  4. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I call sometimes but then I hang up. I have a prob with talking to people I dont know, I find it really hard. On here is easy, its just I find it hard talking to ppl on the telephone or face to face unless I already know them
  5. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Well is it just a feeling or do you have a real problem you can't overcome? Maybe you just need a break from whatever is bothering you, is there no other place you can go other than death?
  6. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    If i had the money to dissapear from everyone i know I would but i dont, there seems no other way out for me, im sliping and i cant stop myself
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you feel you can at least talk here. You are not a ghost. You are noticed. You are somebody. You say you like your red wines and that is fine, but I wish to remind you that they do act as depressants and it can cause you to feel even worse about things, but I see you know that already. You have taken that forst difficult step and expressed how you feel. Can you tell us what you think lies behind these feelings? Is depression the main cause or there underlying things as well. Pills are not the answer. Please reach out for help in places that are trained in htese situations. we are here for you and can be very supportive. You do not have to do this alone. Please stay safe and take care. Your life is worth the living. :hug:
  8. Emptysoul

    Emptysoul Well-Known Member

    I know what lies behind these feelings and my depression, it is the last rape I endured. I thought that I had delt with it 18 months ago but as I see the situation i am in now I know I have not delt with it at all, i just dont know how to.
    I know it was my fault for it happening (even though technically it wasnt my fault). its like it has just happned and i havent got over the first stage of feeling guilt and blaming myself. I thought having the breakdown ment I had delt with it but it seems not! AT LEAST I REALISE THIS!! But i just cant seem to move on and i know its making me feel worce.
    Im sliding back down the slippery hill that i fell down 19 months ago and i cant seem to stop myself. I dont think I can handle another breakdown even though it seems im going that way........ i just cant stop falling
  9. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I'm sure you'll feel better in the morning and be alright. Rape is a horrible experience and you just have to take it one step at a time.
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    emptysoul, do you know about maytree? they are in london, and are totaly free. there's more info at perhaps you could call or stop by to check them out? once you have been there, they can help set you up with local support.

    you know you are falling, but you don't have to go all the way to the bottom this time. because you recognise those familiar feelings, and maybe see some patterns in your behaviour you can take action right now. please think about it. i like to compare mental illness to a broken leg - instead you have a broken spirit right now. would you tell a friend with a broken leg to tough it out? no, you'd take her to the hospital where she'd get an x-ray, and a cast, maybe some crutches for a while, then some physio. she would be cared for, and you would want that for her. well, your heart and your mind needs some care right now. and all you have to do is reach out and share your feelings with a professional.

    i'm 42 and this year i experienced a number of things for the first time: i sat down in my doc's office and told him about feeling suicidal; i called a suicide hotline for support; i got help through the mental health program at my local hospital. it's never too late to try something new.
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