here i lie awake thinking (Cheating *****) sucidail nightmares

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ilovedilostwhatnow, Aug 12, 2011.

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  1. ilovedilostwhatnow

    ilovedilostwhatnow Active Member

    This is a poem i wrote after me and my gf of almost two years broke up

    She cheated on me with my best friend twice she came all the way from the UK to see me for my 16th birthday she gave me my first kiss.....shortly after she kissed my best friend...so i broke it off....after a week i couldnt take it i begged for her back....she said no she wanted to date someone closer.....My "best friend" and her have now been dating for three weeks....it hasnt even beeen a month and shes already moved on......so why cant I?

    Here i lie awake
    gazing at the ceiling thinking
    about everything that's just happened
    here i lie awake thinking
    about what i did wrong
    here i lie awake thinking
    about us
    here i lie awake thinking
    about our dreams
    here i lie awake thinking
    about the time we spent together
    the laughs
    the tears
    the love
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i should have been better
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how much more you deserved
    her i lie awake thinking
    how lucky i was to have you
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i let you slip through my fingers
    here i lie awake thinking
    about the fears
    the regrets
    the nightmares i had
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how perfect you were
    here i lie awake thinking
    about our song
    how you looked when you smiled
    how safe i felt in your arms
    here i lie awake thinking
    about those nightmares
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how they started
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how much it hurt
    how hard it was to hide it
    how i still left myself vulnerable to you
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i pretended it didn't faze me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how much it really did
    here i lie awake thinking
    how much it killed me the first time
    the second time
    and finally the third
    here i lay awake thinking
    how i always knew deep down
    that it would be you two together
    instead of you and me
    here i lay awake thinking
    about how much i loved you
    here i lay awake thinking
    how much i thought you loved me
    here i lay awake thinking
    about how that kiss killed me
    here i lay awake thinking
    about how your lips felt against mine
    here i lie awake thinking
    about her lips against yours
    here i lie awake thinking
    how betrayed i feel now
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i truly believed you
    how i believed you were sorry
    how i believed that you would never do it again
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how fucking stupid i was
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how fucking blind i was
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i should have told you how scared i was
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i should have told you about my nightmares
    here i lie awake thinking
    how maybe i should have held you more
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how i should have called you more
    how i should have sent you more gifts
    how i should have drawn more pictures of us
    here i lie awake thinking
    about all i did wrong
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how this could have all been different
    here i lay awake
    curled in a ball
    tears silently streaming down my face
    listening to songs that remind me of you
    here i lie awake thinking
    how amazing you were
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how beautiful you are
    here i lie awake thinking
    how cute your laugh was
    here i lie awake thinking
    how you were different from everyone else
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how wrong i was
    here i lie awake thinking
    about that night
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how good it felt to hold you close
    to feel your heart beat against mine
    to run my fingers through your hair
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i gave you everything
    here i lie awake thinking
    how you curled into steph
    how you clung to her
    how you cried in her arms
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i shielded you from her harsh words
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how i defended you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how many times she hurt you
    how many times she made you cry
    how many times she made you worry
    here i lie awake thinking
    was i really that bad?
    Here i lie awake thinking
    about how sweet you looked when you slept in my arms
    how you looked like a angel sent from heaven when you looked at me with those sleepy eyes
    how you nuzzled into me
    here i lie awake thinking
    why wasn't i a better protector
    here i lie awake thinking
    how sad i am without you
    how i cry myself to sleep every night
    how i can't look at anything you gave me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how ill never get over you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how much i miss you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about all those sweet nothings you told me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how i wanted to marry you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how you said we couldn't be friends
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how part of me died when you said that
    about how alone i felt
    about how cold it is
    here i lie awake thinking
    how much i want you back
    how stupid i was to break up with you
    how i should have just forgiven you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how you told me you would never date steph
    how you only saw her as a sister
    about how she made you cry all the time
    here i lie awake thinking
    about all the things you did for her when she left
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how little you did for me when i left
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how all of my heart just turned to dust those two days
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how numb Ive gone
    how cold my heart is
    how nothing matters anymore
    here i lie awake thinking
    how the picture was like a knife in the back
    how it took anything i had left in me away
    how it struck the final blow
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how you two are together
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how you both abandoned me
    how you two only call on me when you feel necessary
    but when i need you you can just ignore me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how could you cheat on me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how could you do this to me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about all the power i gave you over me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how i felt when you said you wanted to be friends again
    here i lie awake
    feeling so broken
    so empty
    so tired of living
    here i lie awake thinking
    about your intails i cut into my arm
    here i lie awake thinking
    how steph cant look me in the eye
    here i lie awake thinking
    how shes scared to talk to me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how you two have killed me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how ill never love again
    here i lie awake thinking
    how neither of you even spared me the pain
    here i lie awake thinking
    how im just a "reason"
    here i lie awake thinking
    pondering how long you really harbored your feelings for steph
    here i lie awake thinking
    how many times you probably lied to me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how perfect your lips felt against mine when i kissed you goodbye
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how she is gonna hurt you
    how she is gonna make you cry
    how she is gonna break you
    here i lie awake thinking
    why do i still want to protect you after you destroyed me
    here i lie awake thinking
    why do i still love you
    why do i still care about you
    why do i still want you
    why do i still talk to you both
    here i lie awake thinking
    why does it feel like its my fault that you broke your promise and dated her
    here i lie wake thinking
    about how i feel so guilty
    here i lie awake thinking
    about how i drove you to her
    here i lie awake thinking
    how im probably the worst girlfriend ever
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i never deserved you
    here i lie awake thinking
    how i deserve to die
    here i lie awake thinking
    about everyone who has left me for someone else
    here i lie awake thinking
    what is it im doing wrong
    here i lie awake thinking about
    how romantic i was for you
    here i lie awake thinking
    how we played and teased each other
    here i lie awake thinking
    wondering why is it anyone i fall for always leave me
    here i lie wake thinking
    remembering every harsh word my exes have said
    here i lie awake thinking
    believing everything they said
    why else would you leave me
    here i lie awake thinking
    how you two deserve each other
    here i lie awake thinking
    how much i love you and how much you loved me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about me
    here i lie awake thinking
    about her
    here i lie awake thinking about
    how it's you two and not us two
    here i lie awake thinking about
    how alone i am
    how you were my world
    how im lost without you
    here i lie awake thinking
    about everything i had
    and everything i lost

    .............I cut myself her intails in my arm ...this is the second time ive cut her intails into me..im fucking miserable...ive started drinking alcohol...smoking cigerretes ...i keep forcing myself to at least try and look at other women but i cant....i may only be 16 but im not inexperinced when it comes to love....so dont act as though my age means anything...constent nightmares ...i scream i cry out for her but shes so happy i cant ruin that i cant be that monster
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    omg she is not worth all this agony and pain over You really need to move on hun there will be many more life experiances for you to learn This is one of them unfortunately Time to find someone that you can again enjoy living life with okay move on
     
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    yeah heartbreak will do this.

    you can tell the people who have not gone through this because they will say move on yeah well you need time to get over someone it's not that easy.

    TE you speak as if she had a choice to not feel what she does by telling her it's not worth it well that is irrelevant when you feel something you feel it. So it obviously is painful after she was so happy with her. That meant an awful lot to her that is why she is that way. To say it's not worth it is not understanding the love and relationship she had and felt.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Having one's heart broken is such a trauma...I have been there and I know...I was about your age when it happened, and it was with my supposed best friend...fortunately, today, I feel more myself again, but it took time and love...J
     
  5. ilovedilostwhatnow

    ilovedilostwhatnow Active Member

    yea well this is the second fucking time ive lost someone this close i give up im thourgh with love
     
  6. ilovedilostwhatnow

    ilovedilostwhatnow Active Member

    i cant move on this is the last time ill ever let anyone in
     
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