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here i lie awake thinking (Cheating *****) sucidail nightmares

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#1
This is a poem i wrote after me and my gf of almost two years broke up

She cheated on me with my best friend twice she came all the way from the UK to see me for my 16th birthday she gave me my first kiss.....shortly after she kissed my best friend...so i broke it off....after a week i couldnt take it i begged for her back....she said no she wanted to date someone closer.....My "best friend" and her have now been dating for three weeks....it hasnt even beeen a month and shes already moved on......so why cant I?

Here i lie awake
gazing at the ceiling thinking
about everything that's just happened
here i lie awake thinking
about what i did wrong
here i lie awake thinking
about us
here i lie awake thinking
about our dreams
here i lie awake thinking
about the time we spent together
the laughs
the tears
the love
here i lie awake thinking
how i should have been better
here i lie awake thinking
about how much more you deserved
her i lie awake thinking
how lucky i was to have you
here i lie awake thinking
how i let you slip through my fingers
here i lie awake thinking
about the fears
the regrets
the nightmares i had
here i lie awake thinking
about how perfect you were
here i lie awake thinking
about our song
how you looked when you smiled
how safe i felt in your arms
here i lie awake thinking
about those nightmares
here i lie awake thinking
about how they started
here i lie awake thinking
about how much it hurt
how hard it was to hide it
how i still left myself vulnerable to you
here i lie awake thinking
how i pretended it didn't faze me
here i lie awake thinking
how much it really did
here i lie awake thinking
how much it killed me the first time
the second time
and finally the third
here i lay awake thinking
how i always knew deep down
that it would be you two together
instead of you and me
here i lay awake thinking
about how much i loved you
here i lay awake thinking
how much i thought you loved me
here i lay awake thinking
about how that kiss killed me
here i lay awake thinking
about how your lips felt against mine
here i lie awake thinking
about her lips against yours
here i lie awake thinking
how betrayed i feel now
here i lie awake thinking
how i truly believed you
how i believed you were sorry
how i believed that you would never do it again
here i lie awake thinking
about how fucking stupid i was
here i lie awake thinking
about how fucking blind i was
here i lie awake thinking
how i should have told you how scared i was
here i lie awake thinking
how i should have told you about my nightmares
here i lie awake thinking
how maybe i should have held you more
here i lie awake thinking
about how i should have called you more
how i should have sent you more gifts
how i should have drawn more pictures of us
here i lie awake thinking
about all i did wrong
here i lie awake thinking
about how this could have all been different
here i lay awake
curled in a ball
tears silently streaming down my face
listening to songs that remind me of you
here i lie awake thinking
how amazing you were
here i lie awake thinking
about how beautiful you are
here i lie awake thinking
how cute your laugh was
here i lie awake thinking
how you were different from everyone else
here i lie awake thinking
about how wrong i was
here i lie awake thinking
about that night
here i lie awake thinking
about how good it felt to hold you close
to feel your heart beat against mine
to run my fingers through your hair
here i lie awake thinking
how i gave you everything
here i lie awake thinking
how you curled into steph
how you clung to her
how you cried in her arms
here i lie awake thinking
how i shielded you from her harsh words
here i lie awake thinking
about how i defended you
here i lie awake thinking
about how many times she hurt you
how many times she made you cry
how many times she made you worry
here i lie awake thinking
was i really that bad?
Here i lie awake thinking
about how sweet you looked when you slept in my arms
how you looked like a angel sent from heaven when you looked at me with those sleepy eyes
how you nuzzled into me
here i lie awake thinking
why wasn't i a better protector
here i lie awake thinking
how sad i am without you
how i cry myself to sleep every night
how i can't look at anything you gave me
here i lie awake thinking
how ill never get over you
here i lie awake thinking
about how much i miss you
here i lie awake thinking
about all those sweet nothings you told me
here i lie awake thinking
about how i wanted to marry you
here i lie awake thinking
about how you said we couldn't be friends
here i lie awake thinking
about how part of me died when you said that
about how alone i felt
about how cold it is
here i lie awake thinking
how much i want you back
how stupid i was to break up with you
how i should have just forgiven you
here i lie awake thinking
about how you told me you would never date steph
how you only saw her as a sister
about how she made you cry all the time
here i lie awake thinking
about all the things you did for her when she left
here i lie awake thinking
about how little you did for me when i left
here i lie awake thinking
about how all of my heart just turned to dust those two days
here i lie awake thinking
about how numb Ive gone
how cold my heart is
how nothing matters anymore
here i lie awake thinking
how the picture was like a knife in the back
how it took anything i had left in me away
how it struck the final blow
here i lie awake thinking
about how you two are together
here i lie awake thinking
about how you both abandoned me
how you two only call on me when you feel necessary
but when i need you you can just ignore me
here i lie awake thinking
how could you cheat on me
here i lie awake thinking
how could you do this to me
here i lie awake thinking
about all the power i gave you over me
here i lie awake thinking
about how i felt when you said you wanted to be friends again
here i lie awake
feeling so broken
so empty
so tired of living
here i lie awake thinking
about your intails i cut into my arm
here i lie awake thinking
how steph cant look me in the eye
here i lie awake thinking
how shes scared to talk to me
here i lie awake thinking
about how you two have killed me
here i lie awake thinking
about how ill never love again
here i lie awake thinking
how neither of you even spared me the pain
here i lie awake thinking
how im just a "reason"
here i lie awake thinking
pondering how long you really harbored your feelings for steph
here i lie awake thinking
how many times you probably lied to me
here i lie awake thinking
how perfect your lips felt against mine when i kissed you goodbye
here i lie awake thinking
about how she is gonna hurt you
how she is gonna make you cry
how she is gonna break you
here i lie awake thinking
why do i still want to protect you after you destroyed me
here i lie awake thinking
why do i still love you
why do i still care about you
why do i still want you
why do i still talk to you both
here i lie awake thinking
why does it feel like its my fault that you broke your promise and dated her
here i lie wake thinking
about how i feel so guilty
here i lie awake thinking
about how i drove you to her
here i lie awake thinking
how im probably the worst girlfriend ever
here i lie awake thinking
how i never deserved you
here i lie awake thinking
how i deserve to die
here i lie awake thinking
about everyone who has left me for someone else
here i lie awake thinking
what is it im doing wrong
here i lie awake thinking about
how romantic i was for you
here i lie awake thinking
how we played and teased each other
here i lie awake thinking
wondering why is it anyone i fall for always leave me
here i lie wake thinking
remembering every harsh word my exes have said
here i lie awake thinking
believing everything they said
why else would you leave me
here i lie awake thinking
how you two deserve each other
here i lie awake thinking
how much i love you and how much you loved me
here i lie awake thinking
about you
here i lie awake thinking
about me
here i lie awake thinking
about her
here i lie awake thinking about
how it's you two and not us two
here i lie awake thinking about
how alone i am
how you were my world
how im lost without you
here i lie awake thinking
about everything i had
and everything i lost

.............I cut myself her intails in my arm ...this is the second time ive cut her intails into me..im fucking miserable...ive started drinking alcohol...smoking cigerretes ...i keep forcing myself to at least try and look at other women but i cant....i may only be 16 but im not inexperinced when it comes to love....so dont act as though my age means anything...constent nightmares ...i scream i cry out for her but shes so happy i cant ruin that i cant be that monster
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
omg she is not worth all this agony and pain over You really need to move on hun there will be many more life experiances for you to learn This is one of them unfortunately Time to find someone that you can again enjoy living life with okay move on
 

Raphael1

Well-Known Member
#3
yeah heartbreak will do this.

you can tell the people who have not gone through this because they will say move on yeah well you need time to get over someone it's not that easy.

TE you speak as if she had a choice to not feel what she does by telling her it's not worth it well that is irrelevant when you feel something you feel it. So it obviously is painful after she was so happy with her. That meant an awful lot to her that is why she is that way. To say it's not worth it is not understanding the love and relationship she had and felt.
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#4
Having one's heart broken is such a trauma...I have been there and I know...I was about your age when it happened, and it was with my supposed best friend...fortunately, today, I feel more myself again, but it took time and love...J
 
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