About 3 years ago it was agreed that if I continue to live with my grandmother and take care of her that everyone would help and pay for me to go to college. So for the last 3 years I have sacrficed my life. You do not understand how it feels to take care of someone and basically whatch them die, and get sicker each and everyday. This has put me in more depression than ever before. No one can imagine what this is like unless they have been through it. I was already depressed before, but this has just devestated me. I have lived with her since I was about 1 year old, so even if I did not go to college I would still live here, because it is my responsibility. Well two years ago, I became real close with a friend of mine who is a woman. We developed a close bond. She helped me a great deal with my depression. She gave me someone to look forward to seeing and talking to. We exercised and ran together each day and it was the best times of my life. Everynite I would look forward to the next day, because she gave me something to look forward to. It meant a great deal to me, and I know it meant a great deal to her. I love her as a friend, and yes I fell in love with her romantically also, but I never ever crossed any lines, because I love her as a friend over everything, and the other reason is because she is married. Well about 3 months ago she left him, and not because of me but because after about 20 years of verbal abuse and violence such as knocking holes in the wall, throwing things, breaking her stuff, calling her stupid, etc. Well during that time I did everything in my power to help her while still never ever trying to cross any lines, and I swear on this it never crossed my mind to do so. She she had feelings for him, but she did not love him. He is the only man she has ever known so to her she does not know there are better people in the world. She has been with him since she was 15, and he was 25. In no certain words she has admitted he is a "father figure", because her father left her at a early age. I tried to make her understand that she was strong enough to make it on her own, but after pressure from her pastor and other people she went back to him. I mean this when I told her that I would rather her leave and never see her again if it meant that she would truely be happy and finally live her life. Well like I said she went back to him, and now to her everything is perfect because he is now doing things with her. To me and everyone involved in the situation we all believe that it is only a matter of time before he goes back to the way he was. He is 50 and if you are a certain way your entire life, I believe at 50 than that is just the way you are. I do not believe you can change so quick, and all of a sudden start to like doing things you have hated your entire life. Like I said now everything is perfect for now, but the bond we shared is not. We no longer run together, because he says he is insecure, but to everyone around all it is is he is slowly cutting her off from her friends and controlling her once again. We no longer run together, and now we hardly talk because she is now getting what I gave her from him. The friendship, someone to talk, listen to, someone to do things with, etc. Please listen to this because it sums it all up. Now for me the only bright light in my life is gone it feels. That reason to get up in the mornings is gone. That one thing that made me feel so great is gone, because you see in the mornings we would run together and it felt great it was postive, but than afterwards I would go back to my depressing situation of taking care of my grandmother. The few hours of a day I was spending with her was great and it outweighed the depressing other hours I have to spend at home taking care of my grandmother. I would feel good all day just from being with her. We both would feel good from being able to spend time with each other, and I swear once again the time we spent together I never thought of anything other than the love I have for her as a friend. I do understand where she is coming from though, that she is in the honeymoon stage that she is finally getting what she wants from him (for now at least). That is my problem I understand too much. I wish I was a self centered person who only cared about himself, and no one else. I hate myself for being the caring and sensitive type. As I said her life is perfect now while mine is not. I am now completely alone. I tried to talk to my mother today, but all she said was "take a nerve pill, and go to bed." I have never been close to her, or really anyone in my life. I keep telling myself that as soon as my grandmother passes than I will kill myself, because she is the only reason I am still alive. Can you understand how I feel now? My life is 100% depressing with constant suicide thoughts now, because now that bright light of my life, and the bond I had with my friend is gone it feels like, and now all I have is the depressing situation at home. Please do not say "well find something else", because if you do than you really do not understand. Finding a person you have a bond with is not easy. It is not something you set out to do, it is just something that happens. Some people never find it. I am sorry for writing so much, but I literally have no one.