Here it goes...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by StillLeftBehind, Dec 4, 2012.

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  1. StillLeftBehind

    StillLeftBehind New Member

    I posted this on another forum but I think it may have been a little to intense. Once I started typing the post I didn't realize I felt this bad. Thinking about it is one thing but seeing it on the screen is scary. The reason I am posting is that I wounder is anyone has gone through what I am going through. All I need is to get to my first appointment without completely loosing control. Please be advised the post below is intense:

    6 weeks ago I had an episode(for the lack of a better term) worse than any I have had before. For 3 hours(I think) I sat in my chair with feelings of impending doom on a massive scale. I knew that at that moment I was going to die from either a heart attack,earthquake or being shot by a person breaking in to my house. I knew that it was hopeless. I kept feeling heavier and heavier much like the feeling that the whole universe was crushing me into tiny bits. I gave up and accepted death in what ever form is came. I knew that there was no hope and I had been left behind by life. Then at around the 3 hour mark I saw my girlfriend walk up the stairs and make eye contact with me. She walked into her room and I went back to staring at the computer screen. A few minutes later I turned in my chair to talk to her. At that moment I realized that she was still at work and I have seen a VERY clear and vivid hallucination. I remember her eyes were not hers and her expression was if she knew I was going to die. The next 2 weeks were rough for me at work. People at work noticed my bad mood and I got complaints from customers about my bad customer service. The GM along with my coworkers posted me up asking what my problem was. I still my loose my job over this. A month ago(around 2 weeks after the episode) i happen to have a Dr. appointment and told him what I had felt. He asked me a few question and put me on 40mg daily of citalipram and said I need to see a person who specializes in depression and/or anxiety. I did not tell him about the hallucination. I had made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the day before Thanks Giving and when the day came I got a call saying that she called in sick. I got an INTENSE feeling that I needed to kill myself right then and there while talking the receptionist. The feeling was hot and tense and I don't know what....it was bad. I started to think how and where I was going to hurt myself. I never came up with a solution I was happy with and the feeling went away. That is my safety valve. All the times before this one when I feel that way I can never figure out how I can get it done without having other people clean up my mess. I don't want to create problems for other people. I have an appointment for the 10th of this month and I really hope this Dr. does not cancel. I feel that my pain is bigger than me and I am going to split in half because of the pressure. I am holding on but since my Dr. made me aware that I may have a problem and my coworkers saw my pain I now feel exposed and now I cannot hide. I feel open for the world to see that I am broken and and that I have been for some time now. I can't hide it anymore. I'm afraid.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun I am glad you kept reaching out for support I do hope you are open with you pdoc i hope you print this post off and take it to your doctor ok Be honest about the hallucinations about the suicidal feelings ok so you can get the proper help You are ill hun your not broken Keep talking ok hun keep releasing the pain here hugs.
     
  3. StillLeftBehind

    StillLeftBehind New Member

    Thanks for your words. Printing out the post is a good idea and will give me a good starting point with my pdoc. I don't want to hurt myself but those feelings/impulses are so very strong. It's like watching something else make decisions about/with my life. I hope the pdoc does not force treatment. I have a job and a house payment. I cannot loose my job or even a paycheck. If he feels that is the right thing to do then I hope he is open and flexible. Thanks again for taking the time out of your day to response. I know you're busy and your plate is full so I really do appreciate your input. Thanks again.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think if you explain to the doctor your responsibilities he will work with you to get you stable without hopefully hospitalization The most important thing is hun is that you get stable so you can keep your job right so you can continue to work hugs
     
  5. StillLeftBehind

    StillLeftBehind New Member

    I came home from a crappy day at work(I make commission and did not sell a thing)and sit down and ask for a hug and a kiss from my GF(13 years together not married). She gives me a half hearted hug and a weak kiss. I saw the look on her face and asked what was wrong. A few seconds passed and I realized the answer. She believes that my newly found closeness serves only me and not us or her. I walked out of the room. I was blown away. She does not understand that the closeness on not just for me but to support her in this tough time and to apologize for all the shit I have put her though. I have tried to keep her up to date on how bad I was feeling but I don't think she gets it or she really does not care. I feel like I am walking on paper thin ice and cracks keep forming no matter what I do to stop them. Under the ice is the dark, empty, cold, and dead universe that I am going to fall into and never come back.
     
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