I posted this on another forum but I think it may have been a little to intense. Once I started typing the post I didn't realize I felt this bad. Thinking about it is one thing but seeing it on the screen is scary. The reason I am posting is that I wounder is anyone has gone through what I am going through. All I need is to get to my first appointment without completely loosing control. Please be advised the post below is intense: 6 weeks ago I had an episode(for the lack of a better term) worse than any I have had before. For 3 hours(I think) I sat in my chair with feelings of impending doom on a massive scale. I knew that at that moment I was going to die from either a heart attack,earthquake or being shot by a person breaking in to my house. I knew that it was hopeless. I kept feeling heavier and heavier much like the feeling that the whole universe was crushing me into tiny bits. I gave up and accepted death in what ever form is came. I knew that there was no hope and I had been left behind by life. Then at around the 3 hour mark I saw my girlfriend walk up the stairs and make eye contact with me. She walked into her room and I went back to staring at the computer screen. A few minutes later I turned in my chair to talk to her. At that moment I realized that she was still at work and I have seen a VERY clear and vivid hallucination. I remember her eyes were not hers and her expression was if she knew I was going to die. The next 2 weeks were rough for me at work. People at work noticed my bad mood and I got complaints from customers about my bad customer service. The GM along with my coworkers posted me up asking what my problem was. I still my loose my job over this. A month ago(around 2 weeks after the episode) i happen to have a Dr. appointment and told him what I had felt. He asked me a few question and put me on 40mg daily of citalipram and said I need to see a person who specializes in depression and/or anxiety. I did not tell him about the hallucination. I had made an appointment with a psychiatrist for the day before Thanks Giving and when the day came I got a call saying that she called in sick. I got an INTENSE feeling that I needed to kill myself right then and there while talking the receptionist. The feeling was hot and tense and I don't know what....it was bad. I started to think how and where I was going to hurt myself. I never came up with a solution I was happy with and the feeling went away. That is my safety valve. All the times before this one when I feel that way I can never figure out how I can get it done without having other people clean up my mess. I don't want to create problems for other people. I have an appointment for the 10th of this month and I really hope this Dr. does not cancel. I feel that my pain is bigger than me and I am going to split in half because of the pressure. I am holding on but since my Dr. made me aware that I may have a problem and my coworkers saw my pain I now feel exposed and now I cannot hide. I feel open for the world to see that I am broken and and that I have been for some time now. I can't hide it anymore. I'm afraid.