Here it goes...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rocky5mew, May 20, 2008.

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  1. rocky5mew

    rocky5mew New Member

    First off, thanks for having me ^^

    Secondly, I have always had some sort of depression in life. It just seems like as time goes on, it gets worse and worse, bit lately it seems to be consuming me.... that feeling just won't go away that sits in your throat and chest. So, here is a journal entry I posted:

    Anxiety and thoughts of suicide are getting worse. I know I shouldn't have such bad anxiety about just simply having a job (and not being there for my the kids, and to help my husband), but it just keeps coming back at full force. Enough so, I feel like I am going to vomit. I really need the job though; without it, the feelings were the same, maybe worse.

    I always feel like I'm doing something wrong in every aspect of life. I just don't understand. I still have these feelings.

    The suicide thoughts come really calmly though. It's kind of weird, because when I think about simple things that make life hard, it just pops in my head, and ways to go about it, just calm as if it is an everyday thought. It's kind of freaky, because I keep thinking that one day I am just going to just calmly try to do it. The thought of the kids used to stop me (example: Not being able to see their progress in life), but anymore, I don't think about that.
    Usually I stop my self in the tracks of thinking, and the thought runs through my head.. Did I really just think of it like that?

    It's not just once every here, it's a few times a day. It scares me that I think about it that way, but at the same time, it makes me feel calm, because if I did decide to end it all, I wouldn't have to go through this life. I wouldn't have to feel everything like this, and I could finally be at peace.

    Whereas when I used to think about it, it was kind of "I wouldn't do that, doing that to the kids would be horrible.. it's just a phase"

    I think it's not so much a phase anymore.
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    well you will find you are not alone here, what you feel isn't an isolated case.
    from reading in between the lines you seem to be a normal person with hubby and kids, a normal life in fact yet theres a dark cloud over you.
    you mention your job, is this something you don't like doing but have to do for reasons yet feel you are letting your family down by not being there for them, do you have these feelings just at work?

    have you thought about seeing your doctor about these feelings.

    be safe
  3. rocky5mew

    rocky5mew New Member

    I have the feelings at work and at home :(
    It's constant, and is always there; probably part of my personality. I just want to do everything I can for them.

    Life is pretty good for the most part. I have no complaints about my relationship, my kids

    I actually did go to my doctor about 3 months ago, and he said the obsessive feelings of getting everything done could be helped, but sometimes things are just part of your personality, and make a person who they are. I understand that, but after we went deeper into things, he thought I had the onsets of bipolar 2 (because of the changes in mood; between depression, anxiety, distress, bad at social situations.. nothing manic). I went in thinking it was plain ol anxiety, and he actually almost switched me at one point, but thought that perhaps it was to cycle of the medication, so said to stick with it just a little longer, to see how things went.

    With the heart palpatations, shortness of breath, stomach aches, nausia, OCD, and fear of socialization (ect.. ect...) could it be that this really is anxiety, and that it is causing me to have severe depression and suicidal thoughts?

    Thanks so much for your help :) It's good to think things out ^^ I honestly didn't even think about the last part until I just wrote it.
  4. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    it could well be that you are getting anxious, maybe if you can see if there is a pattern to when you feel like this at home and if there is one maybe you could try to avoid these situations as its easier to do this at home rather than at work.

    glad i made you think lol
  5. rocky5mew

    rocky5mew New Member

    Avoiding situations as a mother is difficult *nods nods*

    but! I can go home and sleep.... or eat string cheese. That causes smiles, even if it is just for a sec.

    I'm just going to try to work this out the best I can. No matter how much life sucks, I guess I should just pull through and be strong. Geez, thats tough!
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