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Here it goes.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by querida, Oct 15, 2006.

  1. querida

    querida Well-Known Member

    I'm not really expecting anyone to reply to this, or even read it. I just thought I'd take advantage of the whole 'let it out thing'. I figured that writing about my experiences might help me sort out the mess in my head.

    I know why I started to get depressed. When I was 16 I was on my way home from work and I was raped by a stranger. It made me feel dirty and bad for a long time and for ages I was scared to tell anybody. The problem was I was sad all the time, crying, not sleeping, having panic attacks, started to cut myself and was planning on commiting suicide. My friends at school knew I wasn't happy but I couldn't tell them why I was so upset. One time I had a panic attack at school and my head of sixth form stayed with me and talked to me, eventually I told her what had happened (with alot of prompting mind) and she told my parents. They were all great and didn't press me to tell them more. I spent the next year putting all my efforts into trying to convince eveyone around me that I was fine, but I'm no actress and eventually, knowing I was no longer any fun and not knowing how to help me, all my friends turned away from me.

    While I was 17 I met a guy called Steve and from the beginning I wanted him to like me so tried harder to be happy infront of him than infront of anyone else. We started going out and I fell in love with him. He was amazing, he seemed to worship me and after a few months I even told him what had happened and he was really amazing and supportive, after about 6 months he proposed to me. I had never been that happy, I stopped cutting and everything seemed so so much better. I even got into university and made new amazing friends and Steve and I caried on fine for about anothe 6 months, but then we started to argue all the time, he started slagging me off all the time and even starte hitting me. I didn't care I need to be with him to be happy. But then in August of this year he finally finished it. I am heart broken, I can't stop thinking about everything and have been gradually slipping deeper and deeper back into depression and there is nothing I can do it.

    My housemates are really trying to help me feel better but there isn't anything that they can do to help. I have been cutting myself again and smoking weed to try and numb the pain. It doesn't really work though. I cry pretty much all the time. I speak to Steve sometimes, but hes not really that nice to me. I think he wants sex and talking to him makes me feel worse, however I am hopeful that we can get back together. I am scared because I automaticly try and pretend to everyone that everything is ok when they know its not and I'm worried that I will eventually push away all my new friends at uni, like I did my old ones and then I will be all alone again. Being alone scares me, my mind goes crazy and I act stupid. I know that there is somthing seriously wrong with me, but there is nothing I can do to help myself.