The best way to put it is that I just can't stop thinking about suicide. At this very moment, Im okay. Im not in a ball clinging to my bed, and Im not glued to my computer looking up pill dosages or how to tie a noose. My problem is that I don't think I'll ever be able to change. Im tired of the bouts of depressions, Im tired of feeling almost numb to things, Im tired of not being able to talk to people because of my fear that I'll be judged or hated, Im tired of the anxiety of even going to the store, Im tired of being alone all the time and having no one to reach out to. I could explain all of this but this isnt my blog now is it? So I'll highlight. The only person I have told about seriously wanting to kill myself, is my 'best friend'. The problem with him is that he feels like crap alot of the time too. And that doesnt work out when you're trying to tell him you think you might hang yourself soon, because all he did was tell me what reasons he had for 'getting over it' and then basically told me that it's my fault I feel like I do. The only other thing I'll squeeze in here, is when it comes to my parents. I've been thinking about trying to get help lately, but I'm not sure if my problems are serious enough for me to ask for help. But here's the part about my parents, Im ashamed to tell them I want help, I've always been a very emotional kid, and having had all of the problems I've had over the years make me not want to tell this to them, like spare them anymore of my bullshit. I could explain all of this for hours, but as it stands right now I would rather be dead, emotionless, and out of the way. I can picture myself ending it, and it scares me.