Here it is I guess:

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by annoeullin, Mar 30, 2009.

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  1. annoeullin

    annoeullin New Member

    I am very young, 23, but have been labelled with major depression, OCD, bipolar, etc., etc. since I was 15. I took 5 years of various drugs, mostly zoloft. They ruined something in my sexual system, and I no longer feel like I used to. Nothing feels like it used to. Unfortunately, that's the least of my worries. I went through a lot of therapy. I was decently healthy, exercising, stopped drinking very much, quit doing drugs. I was doing fine for a couple of months, until I caught an infection. My body reacted very badly to it, and it's ruined my stomach completely. I've been to so many doctors, traditional and holistic, been tested from everything from celiac disease to hepatitis. I've tried countless medications, but my stomach will not heal up. They think I may have inherited an autoimmune disease from my grandfather. I have lost terrible amounts of weight. There are disgusting pains in my chest, and I vomit frequently. I can no longer go out with my friends. I can barely attend school. Every day is just pain and nausea and trying to improve my health. I feel that, even as crazy as I've always been, the insanity and the numbness and sadness and everything, that I've had a decent run of things. But I can't watch my life die like this. I've been through terrible amounts of physical pain in my life, had vertebrae surgery at 6. But it's too painful to lose any hope I had left. It's been almost a year, and there is little chance I will get any better. I had applied for a job in France for when I graduate. I worked very hard for 3 years for this and have an excellent chance of being accepted. Until this. I feel that all my fears, of disease, of germs, of misery, have been validated. I will never be a normal, healthy, decent young man. I am giving myself another couple of months to get better. If I have to turn it down, I have already bought rope, made plans, written letters. None of this is worth it anymore. People say repeatedly that life is a very cherished gift, but I think it's just life. I think everyone has the right to say no, to choose not to do this anymore. It's too much to ask me to go through all this pain all these years of medications and insanity and all the pain and tears and just so I can watch my body deteriorate and my dreams with them. The world's become very ugly and dark to me. I can't barely eat anything. I subsist on vegetables, rice, and boiled chicken. I can't even eat a candy bar. My back has started bending again because of my lack of muscle mass. I can't get enjoyment out of anything. I thought things were bad before, when I would spend weeks alone in my apartment washing my hands sixty times a day. Not everyone in the world can be healthy, and not everyone can live out their dreams. I have my arms, my legs, my eyes, and I feel too sick to even use them. I don't really know why I am posting this, but I am too tired of living like this. I think I just wanted to get it all down somewhere before I decide to make some sort of exit.

    If anyone chooses to respond, please, no health/medical advice. No "suicide is selfish, think of your family and friends" advice. And please, absolutely no religious advice. If there's a god whom has any qualms with my actions, they can take it up with me personally.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 30, 2009
  2. DiscoverPeaceOfMind

    DiscoverPeaceOfMind Active Member

    No medical, no religious, no selfish...

    Mate, it's not the 'now' that is the problem, it was what led up to being 15. It is still there. It's a step beyond low self esteem, within your 'Identity-Impression State', a naturally occurring phenononum.

    Aim for what you want to be, want to do. Focus on it, not the problems, no matter how bad they seem. Sounds like your body responds to your mental anguish. Therefore it will also respond positively when you re-focus on where you're going rather than where you've been.

    Graduate. Get to France.

    Good luck
  3. helena

    helena Staff Alumni

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