Ok so its been forever since ive been here and im trying to be helpful instead of a burden to others. Now im getting back into my recluse state where i avoid others as much as possible cuz i end up sleepin all day and dont do what i was planing. I need some help, i just dont want it cuz then it makes me feel exposed and dependant on others like im draining on them So i solve that by sleeping all day and not talking to anyone or doing anything so i dont become a burden to others i havent ate in nearly two days for no other reason than i havent contributed to the household so i dont deserve it. Im way too hard on myself but if im not then i wouldnt be prepared when others tare me down so they feel better, but i have to take that abuse cuz they help me in one way or another and i dont have a right to be my own person if i cant do it on my own being self sufficient and what not. If im not the one doing everything for myself( to sustane not to be better than others i know im not) then im in debt to someone and have to take whatever they give me weather its good or bad. Ill get by somehow i for some reason have done so for 21 years and of that only felt truly free for about 8 months when i had my own place and paid my own bills and was actually getting ahead on them. But that time is over cant live in the past unfortunately.