here we go again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by whytryanymore, May 30, 2010.

  1. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    Ok so its been forever since ive been here and im trying to be helpful instead of a burden to others. Now im getting back into my recluse state where i avoid others as much as possible cuz i end up sleepin all day and dont do what i was planing. I need some help, i just dont want it cuz then it makes me feel exposed and dependant on others like im draining on them

    So i solve that by sleeping all day and not talking to anyone or doing anything so i dont become a burden to others i havent ate in nearly two days for no other reason than i havent contributed to the household so i dont deserve it. Im way too hard on myself but if im not then i wouldnt be prepared when others tare me down so they feel better, but i have to take that abuse cuz they help me in one way or another and i dont have a right to be my own person if i cant do it on my own being self sufficient and what not.

    If im not the one doing everything for myself( to sustane not to be better than others i know im not) then im in debt to someone and have to take whatever they give me weather its good or bad. Ill get by somehow i for some reason have done so for 21 years and of that only felt truly free for about 8 months when i had my own place and paid my own bills and was actually getting ahead on them. But that time is over cant live in the past unfortunately.
     
  2. kitanai

    kitanai Well-Known Member

    ive never had my own place and fear i never will . ack i don't think i could move away from my mother and brother unless i found someone to love and trust i could live with
     
  3. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    i didnt have anyone to move out with i was actually kicked out of my dads house, and my mom lives in colorado about 16 hours from here. That and i couldnt stand my dads wife anymore had to leave. wasnt untill i started to get roomates that i had problems. they were my own problems not something they did or didnt do
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Trust me I hear you when it comes to thinking you are a burden on others. I feel the same way about others. If someone wants to help me I say no. If someone wants to give me charity I say no. While a bit extreme I feel it is one of my more admirable qualities.

    If you really feel this way you should work to repay your debts. That should be the goal you have... that is the goal I try to have whenever I feel myself falling to the debt of others.
     
  5. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    see thats just the thing i have some debts i feel i can never repay. i maxed out a $3000 credit card to buy my one friend an engine for his car and still feel like i owe him so much that it is impossible to repay him. i feel like im in an payable debt with everyone in my family. its not so much the financial debts that bother me more like the moral or personal ones. but how does one pay that back there is just no way i feel lost in it all.

    btw i find it as my worst best quality its my best cuz i dont drain ppl, but its my worst cuz the ppl that know this about me use it to their advantage and i know theyre just using me but i cant help it i owe them soo much getting used a little aint so bad i guess.
     
  6. whytryanymore

    whytryanymore Well-Known Member

    ok so im giving up. flat out giving up. all i do is make others feel awkward when i talk. maybe i just dont want them to or something subconsious like that. i dont know. i have always fantasized and idolized suicide (i do mean idolized) since i can remember.

    why am i even wasting all of your time? ill just go
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Hey guy I am sorry I missed this post. Sometimes this forum is a little lacking in responses.

    I completely understand about the personal and moral debts as well. You just need to find an oppurtunity to repay them. I know it is hard, however, it can be done. Maybe one day treat everyone to a meal or do all the chores. Small things like that. Part of being a part of a community means everyone contributes a little to make things better.

    I am hard on myself too I am working on being less hard on myself and it is not easy. Just remember you can repay debts with acts of kindness. Try and find a middle ground as well. I hope this helps.