Here we go again!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Aug 2, 2011.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    So after just over a week of feeling on top of the world, I feel like I am going downhill again. It has happened very sudden.

    On 22nd July I attempted suicide. I really thought it would work as I had researched the method for a while and I was sure I would die. It was my planned method of suicide but I had not planned it for that day in particular. Everything just got on top of me. Failing my PGD essential skill (the most pathetic exam ever, kicking myself for failing, TWICE, using up all my attempts so now going through a long winded process of trying to get a third attempt), intense suicidal thoughts, seeing weird things such as shadows out of the corner of my eye and seeing the whites of my fiances eyes while he was asleep even though I knew his eyes were closed it was a pretty scary experience like something I would see in a horror movie. All of this stress caused me to have total mind block when writing an assignment that was due in for a few days time and I just couldn't cope. I felt so alone, my fiance was getting irritated with me because I had become so moody. So then I tried my method. At first I thought it would work because I became so drowsy and lightheaded and felt sick. But it stayed like that for a while and then wore off. I was devastated. So i burned my legs as punishment for failing at death.

    I then remember vageuly being in a heap on the floor,comepletely inconsolable in a complete state. My fiance found me and tried talking to me but then became irritated with me. He said that I was driving myself insane, and that coming on SF was making me worse and that my CPN wasn't helping me at all and that I was just getting worse. After a while I managed to calm myself down, my fiance straightened my hair for me which relaxed me and made me a cup of tea (a cuppa tea is always the answer lol). Then later on my parents came home from work and were hammering on at me about my assignment. I just lost my temper at my dad, shouted some expletives at him (unlike me, I never swear AT him) and became very abusive. I then collapsed in my dads arms and told him everything (except my failed suicide attempt as I know he would have rushed me to hospital and I didn't want that).

    After that I then began to feel much better and brighter. I managed to pull myself together and I finished my beast of an assignment and got it handed in on time. I went to watch Harry Potter again at the cinema and went out for a lovely meal with my fiance. A few days later I got my management placement (my last placement ever as a student nurse) and I was so excited! I managed to keep my mind occupied by reading and drawing. I was feeling on top of the world, so happy, so loving, maybe even over the top. This was until yesterday.

    Yesterday I was uni doing a clinical skills days, and halfway through my friends just left to go home and I was on my own. I ended up having an anxiety attack. I had not had any anxiety issues for a while until then. So that bugged me a bit but I tried to not let it get to me and when I got home I started reading and I felt ok after that.

    However today I just feel rubbish. I got some results from an assignment I handed in a few weeks ago. It was a kind of duplicate assignment from what I had done last year but focusing on differing outcomes in practice. I got 65% in it last year which is a very good mark. My tutor left me some comment so improve on. So when I wrote it this year I followed what the tutor had said and put in all the changes and improved my work. Opened my results this morning. Passed with 66%. I was absolutely gutted. I thought I would get above 70% for it as I really want to pass my degree with a 2:1 and need a couple of assignments to hit 70+ to bump up my total average. I thought I would have got it this time round so I was so disappointed. I worked so hard for it too. It's a stupid reason to go back into a slump but I feel awful. Also, I am superly major pissed off because my fiance's ex tried to add him as a friend on facebook and he accepted it. She causes so many problems for us and I can't believe he's done it again. I feel like shit. I think I may have hallucinated again last night but I can't work out if it was a dream or just reality. I can't remember.

    I feel so gutted that after doing so well, feeling so good and on top of the world for just over a week, I am now returning back to my slump and my hole. I should have known it was too good to be true.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry things are so rough for you...I think now is the time to strongly advocate for yourself and get the care you need...your happiness/sadness cannot be contingent upon the outside...and your mood needs to be stabilized...please speak to one of the professionals you have a relationship with and see what options are available for you...PM me if I can help in any way...big hugs, J
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni


    Just letting you know that I read what you write, and I'm glad you let out your frustrations about disappointments and other things that you are peeved about in this post.

    Thanks for sharing, and I'll see you around in chat. ;)
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you J. Big hugs :hug: My CPN is coming to see me tomorrow. He told me to keep a mood diary so I will be showing it to him tomorrow when he comes round. Maybe it will help. I really need someone to do something soon as they won’t give me therapy as the therapy service rejected the referral because I was too complex and I self harm =/ but no one is referring me to see a shrink. I haven’t been taking meds for a while but I find they do not help me and the fluoxetine I was on gave me horrific nightmares. I still get them every few days but they aren’t as graphic now.
    Thank you Alex. Big hug to you too :hug: and will see you in chat. P.S congratulations on becoming a CM :stars:
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are so many meds, that if one is not helpful, that does not mean you should exclude the entire intervention...please be honest when you meet with your CPN and strongly advocate for sounds oximoronic that they excluded you have a GP that u can contact to also help you advocate for treatment? And please make sure your CPN knows you are at risk...please keep posting and PM me to let me know how you are doing..big hugs back
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I have not seen my GP in a while. I should really go and see her. My CPN talked about sertraline but I am worried. I have heard it can make people go manic and because I have had minor hallucinations I am not sure it would be good for me. However I will go to my GP and see what she thinks. Seeing the CPN was supposed to be a short term intervention until there was a plan. But I dont see any plans being made. Maybe the mood diary will help them make a decision. And I know J it is an oxymoron. I need therapy cause I have low self esteem and self harm, yet I cant have it because I self harm and have to be self harm free for three months. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This is why I feel so stuck. But maybe that is why I should see my GP.
  7. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I would suggest asking your doctor for help in finding a psychiatrist. This is their area of expertise. And if you're going to get treatment, why not seek answers from the best? This is strictly my opinion. And can be discarded faster than a toothbrush, but I do hope that you can find some help to begin to feel better for the future. Because, yours seems very bright, to me! Best Wishes, MisterBGone.
  8. lunalovegood

    lunalovegood Member

    Hi Butterfly,

    WOW-you have a lot of stuff on the go in your life right now. I can't even imagine how stressed you must be. Congratulations on getting to your last placement as a student nurse, though!! :yay:

    You mentioned sertraline as an option for you. I was on sertraline for almost 3 years and at first I was quite unstable, until they upped my dosage to 100mg. I was on that dosage for two and a half years before I had some of the side effects they mention.

    I know everyone is different, but as a manic depressive, I found it to be extremely beneficial. I do believe it may increase manic episodes, but for me that was a short-term problem that only occurred after the dosage change when I went from 50mg to 100mg in a 5-day window.

    Also, a bonus for women is it's one of the few "approved" meds during pregnancy (some people still choose to go the med-free route, but the studies done have shown no danger/risk of addiction to unborn babies), so no worries about having to switch during such an emotionally volatile time.

    I hope you've been able to relax and get a good night's sleep. Hallucinating, whether from sleeplessness or stress, is terrifying. :console:
  9. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank yiu MisterBGone and Luna.

    I was under a lot of stress. The stress has lessened now. I am trying to keep my mind occupied still. I dont feel bad but I dont feel good either.

    Thanks for the kind words guys. It means a lot to me.
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Big hugs to you, back at ya'! ;)


    I'm happy for you since the stress is lessening. :D School leads to some (or rather, a lot) stress for me too, especially if I am not making passing grades.
  11. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sorry I am so late to reply. You are amazing and lovely Lexi. If you ever need me for anything, please don't hesitate.
  12. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Uni doesnt usually stress me out. But because of everything going on, getting writers block did stress me out.

    Awwww Angie you are a sweetheart. You too are so kind and so lovely. Big hugs xx
  13. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    All I can say is crumbs!!!

    I thought my appointment with my CPN was at 9.30am today. However it is tomorrow. I worked myself up so much as I was going to come clean about everything and show him my mood diary. Now I am having a massive anxiety attack because I am now working myself up for tomorrow. I feel so sick and have got tummy ache now. Also, last night I was just reading my book and my fiance asked me when my mum and dad were going on holiday so I told them. It is the same week that he is going home. He told me that he was frightened because he thought I would try and kill myself or do myself some serious damage. It just sort of came out of the blue. I was feeling okish. Not bad, not good but ok. Then he came out with that. I am so upset that he does not trust me. I now get the impression that he is baby sitting me to make sure I do not do anything to harm myself. He also said a few days ago that if I kept burning myself or harming myself he would not marry me, because he wants the next chapter of his life to be happy :(. But this IS my life. This IS me at the moment. He can't accept I am ill I suppose and that I am not the girl I once was. Maybe he's faling out of love with me. I don't know. :(
  14. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Lexi! :hugtackles:

    Good luck with your appointment tomorrow!

    Take care,

    Mr. A
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