So after just over a week of feeling on top of the world, I feel like I am going downhill again. It has happened very sudden. On 22nd July I attempted suicide. I really thought it would work as I had researched the method for a while and I was sure I would die. It was my planned method of suicide but I had not planned it for that day in particular. Everything just got on top of me. Failing my PGD essential skill (the most pathetic exam ever, kicking myself for failing, TWICE, using up all my attempts so now going through a long winded process of trying to get a third attempt), intense suicidal thoughts, seeing weird things such as shadows out of the corner of my eye and seeing the whites of my fiances eyes while he was asleep even though I knew his eyes were closed it was a pretty scary experience like something I would see in a horror movie. All of this stress caused me to have total mind block when writing an assignment that was due in for a few days time and I just couldn't cope. I felt so alone, my fiance was getting irritated with me because I had become so moody. So then I tried my method. At first I thought it would work because I became so drowsy and lightheaded and felt sick. But it stayed like that for a while and then wore off. I was devastated. So i burned my legs as punishment for failing at death. I then remember vageuly being in a heap on the floor,comepletely inconsolable in a complete state. My fiance found me and tried talking to me but then became irritated with me. He said that I was driving myself insane, and that coming on SF was making me worse and that my CPN wasn't helping me at all and that I was just getting worse. After a while I managed to calm myself down, my fiance straightened my hair for me which relaxed me and made me a cup of tea (a cuppa tea is always the answer lol). Then later on my parents came home from work and were hammering on at me about my assignment. I just lost my temper at my dad, shouted some expletives at him (unlike me, I never swear AT him) and became very abusive. I then collapsed in my dads arms and told him everything (except my failed suicide attempt as I know he would have rushed me to hospital and I didn't want that). After that I then began to feel much better and brighter. I managed to pull myself together and I finished my beast of an assignment and got it handed in on time. I went to watch Harry Potter again at the cinema and went out for a lovely meal with my fiance. A few days later I got my management placement (my last placement ever as a student nurse) and I was so excited! I managed to keep my mind occupied by reading and drawing. I was feeling on top of the world, so happy, so loving, maybe even over the top. This was until yesterday. Yesterday I was uni doing a clinical skills days, and halfway through my friends just left to go home and I was on my own. I ended up having an anxiety attack. I had not had any anxiety issues for a while until then. So that bugged me a bit but I tried to not let it get to me and when I got home I started reading and I felt ok after that. However today I just feel rubbish. I got some results from an assignment I handed in a few weeks ago. It was a kind of duplicate assignment from what I had done last year but focusing on differing outcomes in practice. I got 65% in it last year which is a very good mark. My tutor left me some comment so improve on. So when I wrote it this year I followed what the tutor had said and put in all the changes and improved my work. Opened my results this morning. Passed with 66%. I was absolutely gutted. I thought I would get above 70% for it as I really want to pass my degree with a 2:1 and need a couple of assignments to hit 70+ to bump up my total average. I thought I would have got it this time round so I was so disappointed. I worked so hard for it too. It's a stupid reason to go back into a slump but I feel awful. Also, I am superly major pissed off because my fiance's ex tried to add him as a friend on facebook and he accepted it. She causes so many problems for us and I can't believe he's done it again. I feel like shit. I think I may have hallucinated again last night but I can't work out if it was a dream or just reality. I can't remember. I feel so gutted that after doing so well, feeling so good and on top of the world for just over a week, I am now returning back to my slump and my hole. I should have known it was too good to be true.