Here we go...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mr.Brightside, Mar 26, 2013.

  1. Mr.Brightside

    Mr.Brightside Member

    Well, this is pretty much why i came here. I´ve been going trough a psychiatrist and a psychologist for quite a while now, almost a year. For what i know it doesn´t work much, and each time i go it even seems more pointless... Now i pretty much only dedicate my life in drowning myself in anti-depressive´s and anti-psychotic´s. My life is been quite a nightmare, further on i guess I´l go on with the details... but its been since childhood so its a long road ahead to explain myself. I dont like to complain about my life though, i know im not the only one thats had it rough and I´m sure others are having it worse... so i dont belive i should. I´l just limit this into how i feel right now.

    I´ve never been happy for what i recall, not before, not now. Sorrow, hate and lonliness are probably the only things im made of... and each day goes by i just close myself in more and more, i dont enjoy the company of people anymore, i just want to be alone all the time i can and slowly i grow a need to make other people feel what i feel, to make others feel pain in some sort of way. Myabe its jelousy of others happiness, but i can only recognize the hate. I wake up as tired as if i never slept, i barely have energy for anything and probably the med drain whats left of them. Everything seems pointless to me, and i hate the world itself... how it works, how selfesh human nature is. I just cling on to the thought that maybe one day, just for once the next day i wake up it isin´t going to be as dull as the day before, but i know its not true... not if i do something to change it, and i dont have the strength any more to do so. I just rather not wake up... I cant actually even bother to go buy a rope and hang myself, and that is the best solution i can actually think of.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    It sounds like there's a lot of things you are bottling up inside, and you haven't had an outlet for them. Only meds and they haven't helped, of course I could easily be wrong. But maybe you need to give yourself the chance to let things out, slowly in your own time.

    I hope you'll see you're not alone, and support comes in many forms. You can say as much as little as you like. You just have to give yourself that chance.

    Hope this made sense
  3. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    Hi there :)

    I can really relate to some of the things you said, especially about wanting to make others feel how you feel, and about how selfish human nature is. That's something I've been struggling with a lot myself recently. It's kind of nice to know I'm not alone, though of course I hate that anyone had to go through it.

    Do you work? What about family and friends?

    And you should never believe that someone else has it worse. It doesn't matter what you are going through - it's all about how you deal with it and how it affects your life.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    A year is not long hun not all when it involves therapy hell i have been going over 4 yrs now and just starting to trust to open up some Maybe now healing can start once one is able to truly say what one is feeling Hopeyou feel comfortable enough here hun to just let some of that pain out hugs
  5. Mr.Brightside

    Mr.Brightside Member

    I´ve been told countless times by my doctors that i needed someone to talk about my problems... But what "normal" person would understand? The most I´ve recived from the attempts was pity, and i can´t stand it. Thats why i came here, to find people that know what it feels like because otherwise i dont belive someone could understand.

    I worked now and then, nothing permanent... but i pretty much have given up even on that too, i just lock myself up, go out once in a while. Im only twenty years old, and i haven´t achived anything. Ive tried to get some mayor studies... I actually like to study, but something always get´s in the way. Last thing was my mother deciding that alcoholism was a good idea and when that happned, i had to take care of her, my sister and the house and leave what i wanted aside... the problem is still going on in fact.
    When it comes to family, basically they are one of the main issue´s of my mental state. I haven´t seen my father in quite a few years, he is a drug adicted psyco that has a great talent in psycologicly destroying people. My mother, was never a mother... i don´t even know were to classify her. My sister is probably the only reason i still cling on to whats left of my sanity, i just don´t want her to turn into me i guess. And about friends, i suppose I have one person that could pass to something close, hes one of my ways of forgeting the problems for a while. But i can´t bring myself up to trust people anymore... so no, no actual friends.

    I know a year being treated is not much, but the cluster of life consuming feelings have been growing inside since i have memory and the time i spend with the doctors doesn´t seem to provide anything to make that change.
    Thank you all sincerely for your replies.
  6. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    I guess I was lucky that I found such a good therapist. I did CBT with him and he never, not once, judged or pittied me or told me I was wrong for thinking the way I did...just that I had to learn to see it from a different POV, even if that POV was a load of crap. He agreed with me on a lot of things. The good doctors are out there, trust me.

    I'm sorry to hear that family life hasn't been that great. I know it shouldn't be your responsibility, but you achieved looking after your mother and sister, right? That's something right there that you were needed for. I understand how much family life can get you down. I'm pretty much locked away in my room all day and I only come out for food and bathroom when my stepdad is here. It's good that you found this site - some days can be slow but theres always someone to talk to.

    Has your mother been given any help for her drinking problem?

    Have you ever thought about voluteering? I know a lot of people knock it but I find it a great way to get out of the house. It's also a great way to gain experiance in different areas of work.
  7. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Quite a pickle you find yourself in. One of the more notable lines that I picked up on is this.

    Wouldn't the change be better coming from you rather than relying on others to come up with it?

    As a 20 year old, having the likelihood of 2-4 years working time (pending school completion age/working regulations), in the struggling monetary cycles of multiple nations, not having had a permanent job as of yet is nothing to be fully ashamed of. You are responsible for your own life and choices. It's all very well to pick up on the absent father (who's own personal choices to do drugs instead of be there for his kids) or the mother who turns to alcoholism (again, a personal choice of her own, in preference to her kids), leaving you and your sister to basically fend for yourselves.

    You have the chance, as you are now an adult (18+), to take charge of your life. Maybe you and your sister could work together on bringing the best out of each other?

    Closing off and isolating yourself away from humanity is one of the worst things that can be done by anyone who is depressed. Why? Because that leads to more loneliness, and you feel that you are only made of sorrow, hate and loneliness.

    Change is what is needed. And relatively urgently. What would your sister think of the brother who's helped her when she's got parents with the same issues, if you did take your life?

    We can only give advice based on what you tell us about yourself. If you're prepared to close off to the world and isolate, don't expect people to understand the complaint of loneliness.

    On the topic of achieving. Have you really had enough life based skills to know exactly what you are capable of/good at? I am fairly confident that you have put yourself second best to the surrounding environments for too long. Prioritise your life as you being the one you look out for. If your parents want to continue being the way they are, that's their life/choice. But your life is your responsibility. And only you can manifest what you want from it.
  8. Mr.Brightside

    Mr.Brightside Member

    I guess its true, that i may expected more then ive should have when i asked for help. But just wanted just something, as small as possible to make me feel better.

    I know that change depends on me, i really do. But i feel so weak and tired, I lack any motivation or dreams that make me want to fight foward for them... and i just cant seem to find anything anymore. Each time i did, somone or something tore me apart when i though i could atually be diffirent, thats why i just can´t trust anyone. For the start il try to get myself together one of these days to go check out the voluteering, maybe its something good enough to start with or at least take my mind to other ocupations.
  9. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I have deliberately chosen to come to this thread of yours rather than your new one. In this thread you are aware that change depends on you. You were considering volunteering. Any news about that? As your mother has drink problems have you thought of Al-Anon for family and friends of alcoholics. You can talk to someone on the phone before going to a meeting. You've said you like studying. Have you checked out what courses are available in your area?
  10. Mr.Brightside

    Mr.Brightside Member

    I guess the new post may looked that something triggered me going to the extreme point, but to the case i dont plan on killing myself... not yet at least. The question was out of sincere curiosity and wanted to know the opinion of others toward´s it. I haven´t moved much yet actually mostly because I´ve been feeling pretty sick, I relate it to my new pills. I going to check that out today actually. We´ve been working on my mothers problem for a while now... but its all a sum of empty promises and lies. I´ve been trying to get her to move her ass to do things the peacefull way, she´s been offered a day clinic where she would spend the all day there each day of the week only coming home to sleep, they would take care of he problem wit loosing fully her freedom. If she refuses and things turn out for the wost... there probably taking my sister away.

    The daily fighting, arguments, constant unexpected problems drain whats left of the energy i have. I can bearly stand being with other people anymore, so i dont know how am i going to bring myself up to do the volunteering or anything at all. What worries me the most is my mental state at the moment, i fear being a danger to myself and to others. Some days i feel like I´m so close to the point of losing it that I should just be locked away.