Hi goldenpsych, sorry you're frustrated with your efforts - but everyone is glad to hear from you for another day.
I also had a failed attempt last night - doing exactly what I shouldn't with a different condition I have. But I woke up this morning unwell and disappointed, so I know how you're feeling- like you're scrabbling in the dark, searching for an answer that never comes. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, wish I could something positive but I've only just got the courage to admit what I've done to you.
If you OD'd on anything it's after that the problems hit so if it was that then you should go the the ED.
I am not sure when I next see Sam. She cancelled last week and I emailed her asking if we were meeting Wednesday and I haven't heard anything back yet so I am not really sure what is happening.
It's 2 attempts in a week now so I know I need to do something about it but I am not really sure what. I see the Pdoc in 2 weeks. Dreading it as not really sure why he wants to see me.
I know I wont say anything to him about it as he has power and it scares me. Not decided yet if I will be mentioning to Sam about it either. The swallowing the needle still has the potential to cause damage. If I mentioned it I think she would have to break confidentiality as I am potentially putting myself in a high risk of harming myself. So I doubt I'll be mentioning anything. The way I see it now is that it may still work and I don't want to let anything get in the way of that. If I tell anyone then it means trips to hospital, possible time off placement and explaining. I have been in hospital to the knowledge of my family 3-4 times in less than a yr. That's once with the infection that I picked up on my travels which they knew the truth about, in September where I cut really bad and they cut all my clothes off me. I had to call my brother make some lame ass excuse about me losing my clothes and was some heart rate thing with it going too fast, once where I cut and they found out back in November, and then with the infection in my leg from cutting that I told them was a UTI. I also have this needle in my arm which they think was an accident which I have had to go to hospital appointments and will have to maybe have an operation to get it out.
So no, i wont do anything about it as means explanations. I am not doing it.
I can totally understand why you wouldn't want to tell anyone about this as you don't want the explanations and maybe the not knowing what would happen should you tell someone. It is scary, bloody scary.. but then so is having a needle inside you? I really do hear that you've had enough of living and want to die but i'm concerned that this needle could cause you a lot of pain and damage one day.. Yes it's scary to tell your counsellor or psychiatrist, etc. but what if you did it on your terms? I can hear you wouldn't want to tell the psychiatrist because he has a lot of power but if you went to A&E on your own terms, and voluntarily, then things may be easier?
I really hope you're able to get some help and support.. have you been able to call the Crisis Team for support? Or have they contacted you yet?
Didn't OD so no need to worry about that.
I have diabetes so thought it would look accidental, but unfortunately my liver woke me up with it's emergency sugar supplies. Didn't want it to look like suicide.
It's a pity you can't talk openly to your counsellor buy I think you're right, she would break confidence on grounds of danger to yourself.
I read a really interesting blog of someone who also has diabetes and abuses medication to harm her self. It's quite common really.
I would still have to make explanations if I went to A+E. I am not bothered if it causes damage. If worst came to worst (and I ended up in lots of unberable pain and not death) I would deny all knowledge and then ensure that they didn't say anything to my family about what it was. That's if it gets to that. It has probably passed through me now anyway.
Still not called crisis team and they haven't me. I don't think they will now. I will probably be kicked off their books soon as I haven't used them and there are other people who need them. I can't see them being much use.