It's about 1:45 am. I'm pondering things again in my life. My wife of 15 years and my two children are living with my "best friend", who was my father figure of 60 years old. I guess he only wanted my wife. She's 34, and I'm 37. We have two children... they are sleeping in the next room where I am staying now. The boy is only 9 months, and the girl is 5 years old. I get them every other weekend. I've missed so much... I've lost my family. You never know what you miss each day, until you can't have it anymore. ***** I was raised by a single mother. I'm a male. She told me that my father raped her, among other things. He was engaged to another at that time. They were 17 years old I believe. I wasn't allowed to know my father's name. I tracked him down when I turned 18... I finally got the name from my grandmother at 18. I remember getting dragged along to NOW meetings at an early age. I remember those women's eyes on me as I walked in with my mom... and I watched the movies they watched, and listened to their discussions afterward. All of my life, I've felt, and experienced an underlying hate of what I am. From my mother and grandmother... and then from myself. After years of being beat down, I feel I am a man, and wish to die. I'm not worth saving anyway. I tried not to have children because of all of this, but the wife wanted them.... and when the wife wanted 'em, I guess contraceptives didn't work then. Imagine that. I wanted two girls... I didn't want a boy because I didn't want to pass on the disease that is male. Look at our world around us... males are shit. We are to blame for everything. We don't even have the power to save our own child if the woman decides to have an abortion... but we are forced to support them she wants it. I'm anti-abortion actually. Kind of ironic I'm probably going to have to take my life sometime soon. ***** I don't know what to do. When I got out of a suicide crisis center (the first thing I did when arriving there was draw a picture of me sitting with the baby, the wife with her hand on my shoulder, and the daughter with hands on both of us... all I wanted reality to be), I smelled cologne on my pillow. It was his. My wife banged him while I was in the center, lol. What drove me to there was that both her, and my mother were telling me to just show the wife how much I had changed... but, I didn't do anything wrong. That's what my friends tell me. I didn't help 50/50 with the children or the housework. I did try, but the wife cheated on me ealier in the marriage and I was scared to be "available". I was behind an emotional wall. But with hope, my heart opened up deep and wide... I was her slave. I did anything and everything that was her whim in the hopes I would be able to keep my family. So it would hurt more when the salt of reality flowed in, I guess. When I finally found out who the guy was she was seeing, she gave me the most demonic smile I've ever seen in my life as I burst out in tears. I had a nightmare about it 2 days ago, and it's been 3 months. She was angry at me, and I was being punished for the aweful piece of shit man that I was. ***** I yelled at my little girl and little boy tonight... made my daughter bust out crying. I have some anger towards her as she has found that if she says things like "brother's crying because he doesn't like you. He likes his stepdad instead." I know she's just 5. I realize that. There's probably something innocent there like she just uses it to try to get what she wants. That's what kids do. Still hurts at the moment though. She doesn't understand. That's ok. She's 5, she's not supposed to. What bothers me though, is that I can't keep seeing them like this. And failing miserably. I can't have them like this. I miss seeing them everyday so much. I know I wasn't there emotionally all the time I was needed, and I'm so soulfully sorry. God, I'm so sorry. I was exhausted from taking care of both of them this weekend and Friday. It's not that they are exhausting, it's that I'm about done with life... and can't dig out. And life expects me to just keep on truckin, lol. Kids wait for nobody... nor can they... they are just children. I love them. I dont' want them to have pain. I tried my best not to have them. If that's not prevention I don't know what is. We all are drawn to love and marry, aren't we? Human character flaw, lol. I know when I've called the suicide line before, they tell me that it will hurt my kids if I was gone. Yes, I know. I don't want to. But in this state, no I haven't abused them, but, what memories of their father am I leaving? I don't see a difference between staying and getting angry all the time... and unable to provide those pleasant memories, or meet their emotional needs, or dying and being gone. I know that I can't have them like this much longer. It's not good for them, or for me. I don't want to not have them in my life, but the stress of this is too much, and I cannot get out of this whole to build a life either. I don't know. God, I just don't know anymore. Again... there's that worthless, unable to cope man. Maybe if we all died off, they'd leave us alone? It sounds so peaceful. I'm so tired of being punished for everything. I'm just so tired. ***** I figure that the choice to have my children wasn't mine. Being born myself wasn't mine. Loosing my family and wife wasn't mine. What choice do I have left? To live or die... obvious, isn't it? What's scary is that I feel almost happy that at least I have 1 choice of mine I'm able to make! Almost giddy, even. I've been to church every week to try to feel God, but I cannot. I try, I really really do... cross my heart hope to die, lol. But I only feel worthless... abandoned... dead already. I've been trying to be a christian all of my life. I've always been the "squeaky clean" morals kind of guy. Well, except for suicide. Can't win 'em all. I was faithful the whole marriage. Does that matter in any way, shape or form? Doesn't seem to. But, I guess that's what I would have been anyway. I can't change that aspect of myself. I believed in forever because the Bible taught that. Or rather the "spirit" of what it taught. I know from my research on the net and the Bible that I might go to hell if I commit suicide. Used to care about that. Not sure if I do anymore. If I go to hell, I hope I learn something so I'm ready for when my old "best friend" arrives. *Big grin* ***** I always feel that when I go get help, they only do it because they have to... and that is for the kids' sake. Or the wife's child support. Or something. It's not for me. I almost feel their resentment that I wasn't strong enough. I should have been a "real" man and took it. Took it all. ***** What kind of woman would I ever attract? Women like confidence... pfft. Can't check that box. Women like stability and good income. Mmm... try about 100 jobs in my life probably. Unemployed... broke down at a customer's house because I can't shake the pain of this divorce. Of all the loss. I'm a good looking guy, but it doesn't matter... women don't like that unless for one night stand stuff... and frankly, I'm too nice and goody two shoes to do that. Plus girls for that or intimate dating only like "big" guys. I'm like a good looking, emasculated man with feminine traits. I get those from being raised by my grandmother, great-grandmother, and my mother. I like to shop, hate sports... collect shoes, etc., lol. If you laugh, karma will get you, but I'm also at the freakin very bottom of the endowment scale... no, not imagining that... I checked the averages, and I'm at the very bottom of the list. A REAL MAN ISN'T BUILT THAT WAY!!!! I know how to fix it! Die, then won't need it! Then I won't have to worry about measuring up! Ever see sex and the city? That's what women want now. Give her an orgasm... she don't give a damn about love. Hell the one girl cried on there because she really liked the guy, but when they finally got naked, he was too small. Reason #314673 I'm a complete worthless piece of man shit. Lol, how ironic... I hate men, I am one, and I love women, but can't satisfy them either. Cool! I guess I should feel strange about sharing personal information like that, but if you're thinking about death, who gives a damn... in the grave, it's all irrelevant anyway. The last time I checked, it's only going to be me in that coffin. I think that's my new and last favorite saying. ***** WORTHLESS! NOT A REAL MAN! Screams at me from inside my head constantly. If I'm never to find a woman that would complete me... and for God's sake how could I, why extend this? It's like a 25 year prison sentence I just got handed or something. I do know that I'm not thinking clearly, but how the hell could I lol. A REAL MAN COULD! I welcome any and all replies. Thanks for reading this, too. I know it was a textbook, but it felt necessary to write it to get to sleep at some point. Babies don't understand insomnia and duty calls. God I love them. Too bad I wasn't the mother, though.