Here's a good story. Comments welcome.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ediciussievol, Aug 3, 2008.

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  1. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    It's about 1:45 am. I'm pondering things again in my life. My wife of 15 years and my two children are living with my "best friend", who was my father figure of 60 years old. I guess he only wanted my wife. She's 34, and I'm 37. We have two children... they are sleeping in the next room where I am staying now.

    The boy is only 9 months, and the girl is 5 years old. I get them every other weekend. I've missed so much... I've lost my family. You never know what you miss each day, until you can't have it anymore.

    *****

    I was raised by a single mother. I'm a male. She told me that my father raped her, among other things. He was engaged to another at that time. They were 17 years old I believe.

    I wasn't allowed to know my father's name. I tracked him down when I turned 18... I finally got the name from my grandmother at 18.

    I remember getting dragged along to NOW meetings at an early age. I remember those women's eyes on me as I walked in with my mom... and I watched the movies they watched, and listened to their discussions afterward.

    All of my life, I've felt, and experienced an underlying hate of what I am. From my mother and grandmother... and then from myself. After years of being beat down, I feel I am a man, and wish to die. I'm not worth saving anyway.

    I tried not to have children because of all of this, but the wife wanted them.... and when the wife wanted 'em, I guess contraceptives didn't work then. Imagine that.

    I wanted two girls... I didn't want a boy because I didn't want to pass on the disease that is male. Look at our world around us... males are shit. We are to blame for everything. We don't even have the power to save our own child if the woman decides to have an abortion... but we are forced to support them she wants it. I'm anti-abortion actually. Kind of ironic I'm probably going to have to take my life sometime soon.

    *****

    I don't know what to do. When I got out of a suicide crisis center (the first thing I did when arriving there was draw a picture of me sitting with the baby, the wife with her hand on my shoulder, and the daughter with hands on both of us... all I wanted reality to be), I smelled cologne on my pillow. It was his. My wife banged him while I was in the center, lol.

    What drove me to there was that both her, and my mother were telling me to just show the wife how much I had changed... but, I didn't do anything wrong. That's what my friends tell me. I didn't help 50/50 with the children or the housework. I did try, but the wife cheated on me ealier in the marriage and I was scared to be "available". I was behind an emotional wall. But with hope, my heart opened up deep and wide... I was her slave. I did anything and everything that was her whim in the hopes I would be able to keep my family. So it would hurt more when the salt of reality flowed in, I guess. When I finally found out who the guy was she was seeing, she gave me the most demonic smile I've ever seen in my life as I burst out in tears. I had a nightmare about it 2 days ago, and it's been 3 months. She was angry at me, and I was being punished for the aweful piece of shit man that I was.

    *****

    I yelled at my little girl and little boy tonight... made my daughter bust out crying. I have some anger towards her as she has found that if she says things like "brother's crying because he doesn't like you. He likes his stepdad instead." I know she's just 5. I realize that. There's probably something innocent there like she just uses it to try to get what she wants. That's what kids do. Still hurts at the moment though. She doesn't understand. That's ok. She's 5, she's not supposed to. What bothers me though, is that I can't keep seeing them like this. And failing miserably. I can't have them like this. I miss seeing them everyday so much. I know I wasn't there emotionally all the time I was needed, and I'm so soulfully sorry. God, I'm so sorry.

    I was exhausted from taking care of both of them this weekend and Friday. It's not that they are exhausting, it's that I'm about done with life... and can't dig out. And life expects me to just keep on truckin, lol. Kids wait for nobody... nor can they... they are just children. I love them. I dont' want them to have pain. I tried my best not to have them. If that's not prevention I don't know what is. We all are drawn to love and marry, aren't we? Human character flaw, lol.

    I know when I've called the suicide line before, they tell me that it will hurt my kids if I was gone. Yes, I know. I don't want to. But in this state, no I haven't abused them, but, what memories of their father am I leaving?

    I don't see a difference between staying and getting angry all the time... and unable to provide those pleasant memories, or meet their emotional needs, or dying and being gone. I know that I can't have them like this much longer. It's not good for them, or for me. I don't want to not have them in my life, but the stress of this is too much, and I cannot get out of this whole to build a life either. I don't know. God, I just don't know anymore.

    Again... there's that worthless, unable to cope man.

    Maybe if we all died off, they'd leave us alone? It sounds so peaceful. I'm so tired of being punished for everything. I'm just so tired.

    *****

    I figure that the choice to have my children wasn't mine. Being born myself wasn't mine. Loosing my family and wife wasn't mine. What choice do I have left? To live or die... obvious, isn't it?

    What's scary is that I feel almost happy that at least I have 1 choice of mine I'm able to make! Almost giddy, even.

    I've been to church every week to try to feel God, but I cannot. I try, I really really do... cross my heart hope to die, lol. But I only feel worthless... abandoned... dead already. I've been trying to be a christian all of my life. I've always been the "squeaky clean" morals kind of guy. Well, except for suicide. Can't win 'em all. I was faithful the whole marriage. Does that matter in any way, shape or form? Doesn't seem to. But, I guess that's what I would have been anyway. I can't change that aspect of myself. I believed in forever because the Bible taught that. Or rather the "spirit" of what it taught.

    I know from my research on the net and the Bible that I might go to hell if I commit suicide. Used to care about that. Not sure if I do anymore. If I go to hell, I hope I learn something so I'm ready for when my old "best friend" arrives. *Big grin*

    *****

    I always feel that when I go get help, they only do it because they have to... and that is for the kids' sake. Or the wife's child support. Or something. It's not for me. I almost feel their resentment that I wasn't strong enough. I should have been a "real" man and took it. Took it all.

    *****

    What kind of woman would I ever attract? Women like confidence... pfft. Can't check that box. Women like stability and good income. Mmm... try about 100 jobs in my life probably. Unemployed... broke down at a customer's house because I can't shake the pain of this divorce. Of all the loss.

    I'm a good looking guy, but it doesn't matter... women don't like that unless for one night stand stuff... and frankly, I'm too nice and goody two shoes to do that. Plus girls for that or intimate dating only like "big" guys.

    I'm like a good looking, emasculated man with feminine traits. I get those from being raised by my grandmother, great-grandmother, and my mother. I like to shop, hate sports... collect shoes, etc., lol. If you laugh, karma will get you, but I'm also at the freakin very bottom of the endowment scale... no, not imagining that... I checked the averages, and I'm at the very bottom of the list. A REAL MAN ISN'T BUILT THAT WAY!!!! I know how to fix it! Die, then won't need it! Then I won't have to worry about measuring up! Ever see sex and the city? That's what women want now. Give her an orgasm... she don't give a damn about love. Hell the one girl cried on there because she really liked the guy, but when they finally got naked, he was too small. Reason #314673 I'm a complete worthless piece of man shit.

    Lol, how ironic... I hate men, I am one, and I love women, but can't satisfy them either. Cool!

    I guess I should feel strange about sharing personal information like that, but if you're thinking about death, who gives a damn... in the grave, it's all irrelevant anyway. The last time I checked, it's only going to be me in that coffin. I think that's my new and last favorite saying.

    *****

    WORTHLESS! NOT A REAL MAN! Screams at me from inside my head constantly. If I'm never to find a woman that would complete me... and for God's sake how could I, why extend this? It's like a 25 year prison sentence I just got handed or something.

    I do know that I'm not thinking clearly, but how the hell could I lol. A REAL MAN COULD!

    I welcome any and all replies. Thanks for reading this, too. I know it was a textbook, but it felt necessary to write it to get to sleep at some point. Babies don't understand insomnia and duty calls. God I love them. Too bad I wasn't the mother, though.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2008
  2. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Whew, that was a lot indeed... and rather tragic at that!

    I don't really have much in terms of advice and I can't bang on relate either, needless to say you've been pondering this ad nauseam. As for filling the norm of a "real man" to be able to find a significant other again, I'm pretty sure it's not necessary, seems to me many women prefer feminine treats. Heck, I even know of some in relationships with transvestites.

    Then your daughter. Well, kids can be incredibly hurtful, without realizing it. It wasn't exactly brilliant that you lost it, but very understandable. At least the fact that she mentions such things probably means that she's comfortable around you.

    Deciding whether to flick the off button or not is indeed your very free own choice, and the future is very much a lottery. There may be rewards if you endure this hades, maybe when the kids grow older or maybe through other occasions.
     
  3. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you've been through a lot.
    I don't really know what i can say, i often wish there was some magic sentance i could say that would make life better...but there isnt.
    Maybe you could go see a dr?
    Kids say horrible things sometimes because they don;t understand concequences. It's hard but you have to realize they don't mean it.
    :hug: I hope things work out for you.
     
  4. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Thx for the comments. I know it's a weird problem. I haven't met any other man hating men yet besides me. No, I'm not trying to let my mind get to the "see, you are unique, it's hopeless" train of thought that... you know.

    I'm doing better today... I start to do better, then I crash HARD and start thinking suicidal things... then slooooowly pull myself back out.... then start to do better, etc.

    Let me share something strange... I've been doing a lot of creative visualization reading for months now. Using index cards with affirmations I've cooked up, cd's in the car while I'm driving. Researching on the internet... Well, there is always the possibility that all of this stuff I've been reading through the pain is starting to take serious ROOT and shaping how I'm seeing things.

    I'm starting to like get this new world view... it's still in it's infancy. It's like everything around you was created by thought. Everything around exists as an object, but is really in it's purest form, energy. You, are energy, but much, much more than that. You have a power to shape it by thought. But sadly, WHEN are you doing what you are doing to shape it? What is the key? Coincidences, things happening out of the blue, etc. I've been experimenting with mental things, "mind stuff" so to speak.

    And I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a strange sort of clarity. Like never noticing that there's something that's always been there, but you just didn't notice it. But, can't put a finger on what it is either.

    I've been noticing weird things lately... for a few months now, when I look at the clock, more often than not (which to me, is strange)... it's 2:22, or 1:11, 11:11, 4:44. It happens so much I've been showing my roomate that, and he's been noticing it too. Like out of the blue while driving: "Hey Danny" What? "pick up my cell in the center console" Ok. "What time is it?" 3:33. Damn. "Weird, huh?" Yeah dude, you gotta quit doing this shit freaking me out.

    Anyways, I'm on to something. It's like the time is just something that I've been noticing, maybe something to coax me on... maybe my subconscious is coxing me on. I know there's a WAY of thinking, or an intensity, perhaps a focus, that works on our reality, and can shape it. Now I just have to put it together... but I feel like I'm close. The key has to be in the emotions, in a feeling... perhaps coupled with focus, with faith? Otherwise, why is the only creature with creative energy on this earth, an emotional creature?

    Yeah yeah, I know I many be losing it... but, I don't know... something's there. I'm gonna find it this time.

    Keep you posted...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2008
  5. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Split this up Mortem to comment. Thanks for writing, buddy, I appreciate it.

    The women wanting feminin treats... You know... it's perception isn't it? It's like reality is what we create through our expectations and belief... I swear to you dude... to me that sentence seems unbelievable... but you know what? It's what you see... and I see something totally opposite. But maybe there isn't a one way or the other. And really, it's reality to both of us, isn't it? Interesting...

    As far as there may be rewards if you endure this hades. You may be right there, Mortem. I do believe in people having something they are are supposed to do in this life. Maybe not a thing, might be a realization, or being there for their children... I don't know. I know it's not something so simple, but is very very important in something we can't always see. But I know what you are meaning... that our actions here may be because we don't see it all clearly, and that it may affect something we can't even know about here.

    Thx for writing, buddy... you're a good soul, and I appreciate your comments!
     
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  6. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Cerise,

    Thx from wanting to say anything. I appreciate you reading my post. And for wanting to help.

    You're a good soul, and I thank you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2008
  7. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Yeah, if I were you I'd probably follow that trail too, regardless of where it ended... and thanks for replying back (doesn't happen too often). Glad you're feeling better, and it's pretty typical for the mood to move in waves.

    I suppose I could throw some arguments such as the billions of combinations of couples walking around on this peculiar spinning sphere, and probably find a few contact ads here and there looking for that feminine touch. Funny thing really... a couple of weeks ago I was listening to this show on the radio here, I work a lot with ear-protectors on, so I got this sort with radio... anyway, they made an experiment in that show - they created the perfect man, made from polls of female preferrences - the result was a very androgynic person actually, then they put out a contact ad on the internet... and they were flooded with replies. Anyway, that was a sidetrack.

    You're absolutely right though, eventually it all comes down to perception, and that I guess is affected by how we are raised, experiences and impressions as we live. Personally I think my perception is highly flavoured by movies and books I've read, and of course... it's under constant development.

    Oh and to let you know, I've had my share of the "men are scum mantra" and occasionally I fall into it and believe in it. I guess in a sense it's true, but as women get less opressed and equality spreads across the world... eventually there will be just as many female scum as male. Go feminism. =)
     
  8. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you are reading the Law of Attraction by Jeremy and Esther Hicks......

    You mentioned the power of our thoughts and feelings having relationship to our reality.....

    Curious, have you looked back to "see" where you were at in your thinking/reality that would attract you to your wife (now ex)?

    In other words, we attract what we think (energetically ).
     
  9. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Pink Petals: Actually yes... a terrible fear of abandonment... and a general feeling of unworthiness to receive happiness. Go figure, lol. I'm working on it... I think it's about to take root... there's a physical aspect to it that's lost in the message currently given as well... it takes time for your brain to make those new connections physically to think in a new way. It take time I'm learning...

    Did you know that your body's cellular structure actually is almost completely renewed every 10 months? So every 10 months we are a new person, if we accept it. IF.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2008
  10. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Mortem, I bet the result of the survey was Michael Jackson. I've always wondered at how women would faun at him when I was younger... was really interesting actually...

    And yes, there's a lot of "scum" to go around... men or women it's all the same. It's "selfishness", period... in my eyes the true root of all evil, but that's just my thoughts.
     
  11. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I agree, that feeling of unworthiness/worthless, makes it difficult to receive happiness....I also found it hard to allow people to treat me right. It was as if I expected to be treat wrong.......yet hate it.

    So true about healing on the cellular level. I have spend alot of time studying healing on the cellular level and reprogramming. It does take dedication and resilience. Probably the hardest step is, acceptance

    What book are you reading?
     
  12. BaZz

    BaZz Member

    That was a story indeed, a person like yourself with children may just want to think more about your children only forget the wife if she is as you say she is. I swear if it wasn't for you having kids I would agree with everything you say, but a child I think is what I live for right now to make someone happy since I never am myself. They are still young and minds are growing, but they will know right from wrong later on. Nobody in this world is put here by choice if we where I would not be here.

    I believe in Karma and later down in life if your wife cheated and kind of turned the kids away from you your kids will return to what they believe is right searching for answers only you can provide, I say live for your kids.
     
  13. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Pink Petals: A lot of the creative visualization stuff by Shakti Gawain, and the magic of believing books by Claude Bristol. Got the CD's for my car too, lol. A few other books that are basically the same as those. Those are the "pillars".

    Bazz: I agree with you, but I think there's something to the "care for the caregiver" idea as well... that is, if I'm not balanced and growing... and being the person I'm wanting to be, then my stamina will fail in just making my children happy... I have no "well" from which to draw from...

    So it's up to me to get out of this pit and become what I desperately want to... then I have a lifetime of which to give to my children.

    It was hard for me, but I told my mother to never call me again. I starting thinking back on my life, and I realized that she was kind of like an emotional vampire... once I'd start to get back up emotionally and becoming the man I wanted to be, she would jump in and tear me back down, over and over again. A vicious cycle.

    I just want to quit rubber banding up and down and up and down, and have some stability and progress with my life. It's going to be hard without my mother, but, I don't see as I have any choice at this point.
     
  14. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    I believe acceptance is one of the foundations in INNERSELF healing.

    Maybe the choice you made is the perfect choice for this moment. We always have a right to change and make more decisions.....

    How can that be unsettling?
     
  15. Ediciussievol

    Ediciussievol Well-Known Member

    Pink Petals: I guess because she's always been there on the periphery, even if it was in a negative way... fear of abandonment, you know...
     
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