here's a question everyone knows: why?

[leinadbeel]

why do i get depressed.

sometimes it feels like i'm on top of the world, and for no reason at all it changes and it feels like the whole world is on top of me.

i just feel so down, even though i have everything. so i ask why? why me?

i managed to get away from a bad situation a couple of years ago by running away to a different country. since then i've learnt a new laguage from scratch, i've got money in my pocket, great friends, my own place, i've been with enough girls to realise finally i'm beautiful on the outside even if the guy on the inside has rotten away, i've been clean for over a year, i drink moderatly...

but i'm doing something wrong, because what is it all for? why do i keep trying? i got to the point where i can say, yes i did it, i've made it on my own, i did everything they said i can do in life, soooo... emmm.... for what?

i'm sorry did i miss the icecream van that was handing out all the accomplishment feelings? i don't know what i'm going to do, i tried once to end it, and i was almost successful, i feel no guilt for what i did, i feel even more depressed that i did it wrong. not exactly wrong, its just somebody found me "in the nick of time."

this time if i want to do it, it won't take as long. just the click of a button, and at this time of the year i have enough time on my own to think yes or no or yes or no or yes or yes.

so why? friends, no, friends are cool and all, but at the end of the day they don't last a life time, i learned that when i moved to another country. girls, no, everyone i ever knew has gotten a divorce, so love isn't forever either. don't even speak to me about god/higher power/destiny, i think the only thing i believe in is sods/murphys law. money, material things? no way.

i need answers, and for the philosophers out there, don't post, because your answers are just more questions....yes or no, yes or no, tonight, tomorrow, next week?!!!

 

[iracund]

why do you get depressed. and why in the next moment do you feel like you are the king and emporer of the world for life and then some? i don't know, but i too struggle with those feelings. my shrink tries to tell me that it's just the bipolar thing talking, but some days i have a very difficult time believing that. especially since it seems like none of the medications that i have used to try to control my rollercoaster seem to make a lick of difference. and THAT really pisses me off too.

i too managed to get away from a bad(ish) situation a number of years back by fleeing to another country. it was ok for a while. but after a while i still felt useless, hopelessly alone, and terribly unhappy with my life despite the fact that i DID have friends, i DID have money, i COULD communicate in a completely new language, i WAS able to have moderately successful relationships. and then i just fell apart again. for no apparent reason. and i left the country without telling my then-bf that i was leaving. (and having known for a month that i would be leaving ... never bothering to tell him that i would soon be gone and out of his life for good)

and now i'm back in the country from which i fled in the first place. and i don't feel like i belong here either (again) ... and maybe you're right, maybe we both missed the truck where they handed out feelings of accomplishment. though that's not quite what's lacking in my life. i know that i have accomplished certain things that were very difficult that others could never hope to even think of accomplishing. at the same time, i am an utter and complete failure at other things. i'm not even sure what the word "complete" means some of the time.

as you said, it's not my friends. the ones who i consider true friends, i love to death. i feel no void in that part of my life (though for the record i don't have nor desire that many friends. quite honestly, most people are very needy and time consuming and feel shunned when i don't feel like being around them. i don't need any more guilt trips other than those i put on myself, thank you very much.)

it's not love. i've had it, i've lost it. of course i was devestated at the moment, but it didn't last forever. i don't know anyone who is "happily" in a long term relationship, so i don't really feel like i'm missing out on anything. i've come to the point where i trust some, but none enough to really give my heart to again. it only really takes once to learn THAT lesson.

and with all this knowledge, i still careen around inside my head, happy as a clam one moment, as miserable as a puppy with a rusty nail stuck in his eye the next minute, and just as lazy as a snake who has just been fed the next. i can't explain the why or how of it all. and i can't explain why you get depressed. if i knew why i myself get depressed, i would better be able to evaluate you. but alas, i am still standing on one leg, peering into the mirror and screaming "WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????" at myself.

the only scrap of advice i can offer is to hold on. the ride is sometimes unpleasant, you will at times feel like jumping off mid full loop, there will be other times where you just don't care and would just as soon lift the safety bar as hold on. but do try ... there are once in a while things that make all the misery, all the depressing moments, all the pointless exercises in being human, worth the wait.

i do hope you find some answers ... good luck leinadbeel.