Here's My Story... Where Do I Go From Here?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cotopaxi, Aug 28, 2015.

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  1. cotopaxi

    cotopaxi Member

    I'm a 42 year old guy living in Columbus, Ohio with my wife. We have been married 14 years. I am originally from the UK and we have moved back and forth a lot between the UK and Ohio during our marriage. We moved to our current location from the UK around 4 years ago. Things have been strained for the past 2-3 years. Mainly because of money.

    The relationship is a bit of a balancing act. I am an introvert. She is an extrovert. I have social phobia and am Highly Sensitive (see this Wikpedia page if you don't know what that is). She weighs over 450lbs and is trying to get gastric bypass surgery. There are a lot of compromises. We help each other in different ways.

    For most of our marriage we've had financial problems. That was until I started working online. I started making good money building and selling websites. My wife has also worked on and off over the years but recently her weight has prevented her from working. In the past 2-3 years our income has gone from good, to struggling, to non existent. For the past 6-9 months we've been relying heavily on credit cards and have built up a large amount of debt (around $50,000 with the credit cards in my name).

    I've been spending more and more time working on trying to find a solution to the money problems which means hiding myself away in my office. I tend to work better when my wife isn't around but her increasing weight has meant she has been spending more and more time at home. I feel this has affected my focus and income somewhat although there are other factors.

    So basically, we're stuck at home with each other. I love to stay home, work, read, chill out. I value my alone time. She hates to stay home. Loves to go out, socialize, do things outside but really struggles to do these things due to her weight.

    We depend on each other in different ways. She will make phone calls, deal with people at the door etc. I help her in the bathroom and do a lot of fetching this and that.

    Anyway, about a month ago she started talking to people online. This concerned me a little bit as they were mostly men but I told her I didn't mind as long as it was just friendship. I think my exact words were "you know where the line is, don't cross it". About two weeks ago I started noticing little signs that made me feel something wasn't right. Eventually I asked to see her phone and found out she had been having inappropriate relationships with several men online. One was extremely sexual in nature. That really hurt. The others seemed more romantic and were with younger men in their twenties. She was talking about falling in love with them, meeting them, kissing them, sleeping with them.

    When I asked her about it all she lied every step of the way. She made it really difficult to determine the entire truth. This went on for days. Every time I thought I knew everything I would find out something else (hidden Facebook accounts, deleted messages etc). I found out that even her daughter (my step daughter) had asked her if she was having an a fair after looking at her phone. I still don't know if she's told me everything. There were heated arguments, talk of divorce (disillusion) and she went to stay with her family for a while. To give things a chance to cool down.

    All of this has totally shocked me. The relationship has always had it's problems, mainly because of our different personality types but I didn't expect such a betrayal at a time when I was working so hard and was already stressed over money worries. The betrayal and deception I find really disturbing. There's also a lack of acknowledgment of the hurt and damage that she has done to me and the relationship. After feeling depressed and suicidal I decided to get professional help from my doctor and I'm now on an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. I've also started seeing a psychologist.

    My wife returned from staying with her family and refuses to move out. I have no friends over here as I've pretty much isolated myself due to my social phobia. My wife doesn't work. I pay for everything albeit on credit cards. Technically I'm bankrupt. Unless I can start earning an income we will lose this place and will probably get evicted. My feeling is that I don't want to be married to her anymore. I don't want to live with her at all. But I don't want total disconnection. I do care about her. I don't totally hate her. I just feel very very very hurt.

    The problem is I don't know where to go, how to handle the separation. The whole situation has put me on anxiety high alert. I've have a plan to commit suicide. That is to say I have a method I feel comfortable with and know exactly how, where and when I can do it. I have all the things I need to carry out the plan. The thing is I don't really want to die. I just can't see a way out of the mess of the failed marriage and money problems. I know if I can figure it out, I could still have a happy life. It's just figuring out how to get there.

    I could return to the UK and stay with family but I really don't want to become a burden to them. My parents are in their 70's and have their own problems. I don't think my social phobia, depression and thoughts of suicide are what they need right now. Although I would dearly love to visit them. I don't want to live with them.

    I want to live on my own. Earn my own way in the world (which is something I feel I can do if I have my own space). Problem is I have massive debt (around $50K), little bit of cash around $10K (borrowed from credit cards to keep things going a little longer). I have a car (worth slightly less than finance owed). But I have no employment references as I am self employed. Recent bank statements show very little income. I have no references that I can think of (I did think of asking my doctor, but not sure if that's accepted or the done thing). I don't know how I would rent my own place. The thought of it scares me but I need to be independent. Me and my wife need to separate but I also feel bad for her. She has a large family so there are places she can go she just finds it hard with her weight. Sometimes we seem to be able to discuss separation and other times it just seems to cause arguments.

    So (and I realize I've started to ramble somewhat) here are the options as I see them...

    a) I go back to the UK and live with my parents. Try to work and get into my own place. (This option makes me feel suicidal)
    b) I try somehow to rent somewhere small in the USA. Work my ass off and try to repay the debt. (No idea how to fill in applications with no employer, income or references)
    c) I try somehow to rent somewhere small in the UK. Work my ass off and try to repay the debt. (From experience it's harder to rent in the UK than the USA)
    d) I buy an RV / Camper van. Travel the USA. Work my ass off and try to repay the debt. (This idea scares the hell out of me due to social phobia but also excites the hell out of me!)
    e) Give up. Give into the depression and thoughts of suicide and end it all. (Seems over-dramatic but you have to understand how stressed I get over everything)

    So what do you think I should do? Is there anything I've not thought of? I feel totally alone and like I have nobody to ask for advice. If I needed to I could go and talk to someone at an advice center or a lawyer or whoever. But everything is overwhelming me right now. It's all too much to deal with at once.

    Another thing is the dissolution of marriage. My wife says she will go through with it but I don't know how that will affect everything. I downloaded the forms but the first thing I notice is that we have to be living at separate addresses. Okay so if my wife put's down her parents address and I put down this address that solves that. But then it looks like I live in a nice big house of my own while my wife is slumming it with her parents. Then there's the fact I have a car (my wife doesn't drive) even though it belongs to the finance company. Then there's the money sitting in my bank account (borrowed off the credit cards). I'm worried that if we go for a dissolution the judge is going to see my wife as having nothing and me as having everything and award her spousal support. I wouldn't mind paying some form of spousal support if I had an income and could support myself. But with $50,000 of credit card debt and little to zero income, spousal support really would finish me off.

    Anyway, I would be interested to know you suggestions, thoughts, comments (positive or negative as long as they're respectful please).

    Thank you
     
  2. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Active Member

    Hey, I'm new to the forum but I read your message in full and I feel for you. You're obviously going through a really difficult time at the moment with a lot of potential changes. None of us can really tell you what to do but I'll try to make a couple of suggestions :)

    Is there a version of the Citizens advice Bureau in America? (I'm in the UK) They can help with pinpointing you in the direction of lawyers and tell you your rights regarding the disolution of your marriage.
    I have social problems too is there a group you could join to help with that? I joined one and it was helpful to meet new people that understand. How is it going with your psychologist? Have you told them about your feelings of suicide? Please keep talking to us. We do care :)
     
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the Forum cotopaxi, Hang in there, while it may seem there is no one here right now offering to help there will be someone that will be able to, of that I am sure. You seem to have a lot of options to choose from, It is a lot to absorb an it will take a little while for you with help to work through! But here you are with people that i am sure will do all in their power to assist you! I feel that in your mind you are a little overwhelmsed, that is easy to understand, I have been there as well, not the same issues but events an circumstances that left me feeling helpless, I think it seems to get easier for that to happen today, I ask you to hold on be patient here for a while longer, I see several times You mention Suicide an Depression I ask You please to hold on take a deep breath an hold on for now please remove Suicide from your list for now at the Very least!
    Try to organize your lists again an go over them pick what you consider your best or most important things to You that you want to accomplish or Try right now, I know it looks like there is nothing you can do but I assure you there are things that can help!!
    I will be around to see how you are doing!
     
  4. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the Forum cotopaxi, Hang in there, while it may seem there is no one here right now offering to help there will be someone that will be able to, of that I am sure. You seem to have a lot of options to choose from, It is a lot to absorb an it will take a little while for you with help to work through! But here you are with people that i am sure will do all in their power to assist you! I feel that in your mind you are a little overwhelmed, that is easy to understand, I have been there as well, not the same issues but events an circumstances that left me feeling helpless, I think it seems to get easier for that to happen today, I ask you to hold on be patient here for a while longer, I see several times You mention Suicide an Depression I ask You please to hold on take a deep breath an hold on for now please remove Suicide from your list for now at the Very least!
    Try to organize your lists again an go over them pick what you consider your best or most important things to You that you want to accomplish or Try right now, I know it looks like there is nothing you can do but I assure you there are things that can help!!
    I will be around to see how you are doing!
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I would also choose D. You get the chance to get out there and see the world. What she was doing talking to those men was extremely disrespectful but i'm sure you have moved past this now? Perhaps she was feeling lonely and with her being 450lb, she probably suffers with confidence issues too. Do you have to pay the full whack for the gastric bypass over there in the USA? I don't even know her but suspect she was trying to feel some sort of passion from these men but it is unacceptable, yo were right to tell her not to cross the line.

    Anyway yes, the D option does sound great, I think anyone would choose that one. If you don't want to be with your wife any longer you need to tell her. Something here is making you suicidal so I think which option to pick is best left to you.

    I just want to say I wish you all the luck in the world =)
     
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere SF Pro SF Supporter

    Explain to the judge or a lawyer who knows this stuff better than any laymans terms. Explain that 10k cash was from credit card debt not from your income.
     
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