hello everyone well my story goes like this, about a year ago i was happy as a lark, living life looking forward to my future, etc. i have a friend of mines, we've been friend for going on 7 years, when we first met he wanted me to be his girl but at the time i was just going through a heartbreak from hell and didnt' want anything to do with guys. He courted me for a while, tried with all his might to be his girl but i wasn't having it , couldn't go through with another broken heart. we became good friends and for 6++++ years he's been a part of my life as my friend, sure we flirted here and there but friends. he ended up meeting a girl,she became pregnant and they got married. He always tells me that he really loves me etc, after he got married i don't know what happened but we ended up having an affair (he's really not a bad guy the affair just happened) it wasn't even like a fling it was "LOVE". i saw the love in his eyes, heard it in his voice when he spoke to me, saw it in everything he did and that made me love him so much. he ended up moving out of town and we made plans for me to finish school and move there to him. i fly up to see him we have the time of our lives, he tells me how happy he is that i'm here and i see the love all over his face and that made me sooooo happy. wife ended up having twin girls then shortly after got pregnant again and has twin boys, as soon as the boys came then things started changing. He became more active in church etc and one day told me that he couldn't continue "this" because the guilt was eating away at him. He went from calling me like 6-8 times a day to NOTHING AT ALL. not hearing his voice is slowly killing me, i told him that i couldnt' live without him but he said that nothing i do or say can make him change his mind and that his mind is made up for good. He says that he's going to concentrate on his family, raising his four children and building an empire for them, i use to be a part of those plans you know. i'm super lonely without him, i cry all the time because i MISS HIM, i miss my buddy, my lover , my love, the thought of going on without him is unbearable. i see visions of him and his family living happily and visions of him attending his kids high school graduation , etc and him and his wife growing old together with grand babies etc and it's making me crazy. i really cant' live without him, i love so, i know he loves me , it couldn't have been "fake" i felt it...... i tried to be strong and do things to keep him out of my mind but he's always there i think about him constantly throughout the day, i CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGT, i feel like i'm surrounded in PAIN and the pain is like an ocean and i'm drowning in it, the part that hurts the most is that he left me all alone to "DROWN IN THE PAIN". i started seeing this other guy who's been talking to me for about a year, he's a very nice guy but even he can't take away the loneliness and pain that i'm feeling, when he does it's only temporary. NO matter how strong i feel some days or how positive i try to look at life "THE PAIN ALWAYS COMES BACK AND COMES BACK HARD". I've started taking sleeping pills and tylenol pm because it seems that sleep is my only escape but as soon as i wake up HE'S THE FIRST THING ON MY MIND AND THE PAIN COMES RUSHING IN AGAIN. I know that there's no way out this but death because in death i won't have to think about him anymore and live with the agony of living without him. i've gotten the strength were i can take atleast 16 tylenol pms or sleeping pills and not be scared of the consequences, eventually i can build up to taking more. sadly i've read on different sites that the sleeping pill way out isn't going to work and i'll only end up with liver damage etc , i've taken so many pills these past few months that now when ever i breathe deeply i feel my heart or something in my chest hurting like crazy just my freakin' luck . i'll try the pill thing full force soon maybe take like 6 bottles with alcohol and see what happens if i do end up brain damage then that won't be so bad atleast i wont' have the brain capacity to think of him and feel that pain. my other option is to book a flight to san francisco and jump of that "bridge" but geez that looks so scaryyyyyyy, i dont' know what to do , i know for a fact that i cant' live without him so that's not even an option,i can't believe he doesnt call me, you just don't know how much it hurts. i know some will think that i deserve this for having an affair to begin with but it wasn't lust or anything i really love him and it felt so real and natural. i'm so afraid, NOT AFRAID OF DYING but afraid of a "FAILURE" in my attempt, i wish the pain would go away but it won't, i tried i really did, i was thinking of going to a hynosis doctor and maybe he/she can erase him from my mind. oh i forgot the craziest part, he's also my landlord, i'm renting a condo from him and he called one day to tell me that he decided to "sell the place" , i know the real reason he's doing this is to get me out of his life completely you know end all the ties and that really messed me up, i know that once i leave this condo that i'll really never hear from him again and will never see him again , well i guess it doesnt' matter for soon i'll be gone or a vegetable and nothing will matter anymore. i'm going to enjoy my reminder of time here, i went on a shopping spree yesterday buying me pretty clothes and accessories, gonna put some beautiful braids in my hair for my final exit, i have "natural kinky hair" and those damn morticians don't know how to style my kind of hair and the last thing i want to happen is me looking like an idiot in my coffin. thanks for allowing me to vent, i really needed someone to talk to , i've been holding all of this inside and it feels good to let it out. sorry not going to proof read, i'm not well.