I have had suicidal thoughts for about a year now They came to a head when my first and only GF left me 3 times and twice in a three month period. Under other circumstances I would not try to get back with anyone like that, but there is something about her, and I think all three times were rash decision and I don't believe her when she said she didn't love me. I feel that we are still for each other...if only I could find a way. But my problems didn't just stem from the loss of my GF. The background and backbone actually originates from my inability to keep any string of success in my life. Where it's jobs/financial success. Personal achievements. Dreams (personal or shared), friends/relationships/companionships, or anything consistent. I have no one in my life to share the joys and pains of life. I'm truly on my own. My best friends are my television and computer to the internet. No matter what I do with my time, even when I try to keep myself busy and find any bit of joy, I can't seem to have it to overcome my demons of doubt and depression. I truly have nothing to be happy about. What's worse is I don't understand why it's like this for me. I know I have promise and potential to be a great friend/companion. I have some creative talents and ideas. I'm reliable. In a relationship I'm affectionate, considerate, kind, I listen, I'm open minded, I don't cheat or abuse my lover, I have good values of integrity. I'm a honest hardworking individual. I don't do drugs. I don't swear all that much. I don't smoke or drink. I save most of the money I earn and buy the most inexpensive items so I won't be in debt. Yet this and more all seems to come to nothing in my efforts to lead a half decent life. No matter what I do, try, it doesn't work or I can't keep it. I lose it. It's like life is this constant cycle of ups and downs. Small success then a crash. I think there is a conspiracy to it. Like if there is a God, he created us for his own entertainment purposes. If things are all happy and well, there is no hell, and that's no fun. Why do we watch tv? We like to see how other people hurt just like we do and laugh at it. Isn't God doing the same thing? Let us have some success and then take it away. We pray to him and at best all he does is listen but does nothing about it nor gives us any verbal answers/signs. I have a feeling that next year 2011 could be a much improved peaceful year as I hope my birthday wish (To have three more wishes - Win her back in happiness harmony and resiliency - to forever have finanical security in a job/income/lottery or self sufficiency - and for us to have our own friends together that share's our interests and fits our style in personality and value that we may enterprise together in interactions that is truly special for us and our world. If was able to get over her and want another GF it would have to be with one that is a good solid friend for six months or more that's compatiable, congruent and harmonious with ourselves. However friendships is another problem I have. I can't seem to attract people in my life that fits my style or is interested in me or can stay interested in me. They often dissappear without a trace or even as friends I don't feel that connection. I think I may have a mild form of aspberger syndrom. I just feel that there is truly no solid hope for my future. I've lost my spirit, energy and drive to move on. If I do have any improvements in my life it will likely be to set up my next downfall. I felt that my GF was the answer for all the social/romance issues I was having. We matched on so many levels and elements naturally unlike anyone I ever met in my life. And to this day I still feel that way, and I know she should know that as well. But for some strange reason she is chosing a different path to self destroy her life. People tell you all the time that things will get better. But what is the point of that when the something better ends up leaving you for no good reason everytime. There is no end to that. Yet I keep feeling a false sense of hope that uncertain, unproven, unclear, and then my mood swings to the demons of doubt that tell me, "Stop feeding the Monster" and end my life. But I can't cope with death. Suicide is only a comtemplation at this time, but I know overtime it will get worse.