Here's My Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by makethepaingoaway, Aug 28, 2010.

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  1. I have had suicidal thoughts for about a year now
    They came to a head when my first and only GF left me 3 times and twice in a three month period.
    Under other circumstances I would not try to get back with anyone like that, but there is something about her, and I think all three times were rash decision and I don't believe her when she said she didn't love me. I feel that we are still for each other...if only I could find a way.

    But my problems didn't just stem from the loss of my GF. The background and backbone actually originates from my inability to keep any string of success in my life.
    Where it's jobs/financial success. Personal achievements. Dreams (personal or shared), friends/relationships/companionships, or anything consistent.
    I have no one in my life to share the joys and pains of life. I'm truly on my own. My best friends are my television and computer to the internet.

    No matter what I do with my time, even when I try to keep myself busy and find any bit of joy, I can't seem to have it to overcome my demons of doubt and depression. I truly have nothing to be happy about. What's worse is I don't understand why it's like this for me. I know I have promise and potential to be a great friend/companion. I have some creative talents and ideas. I'm reliable. In a relationship I'm affectionate, considerate, kind, I listen, I'm open minded, I don't cheat or abuse my lover, I have good values of integrity.

    I'm a honest hardworking individual. I don't do drugs. I don't swear all that much. I don't smoke or drink. I save most of the money I earn and buy the most inexpensive items so I won't be in debt. Yet this and more all seems to come to nothing in my efforts to lead a half decent life. No matter what I do, try, it doesn't work or I can't keep it. I lose it. It's like life is this constant cycle of ups and downs. Small success then a crash. I think there is a conspiracy to it. Like if there is a God, he created us for his own entertainment purposes. If things are all happy and well, there is no hell, and that's no fun. Why do we watch tv? We like to see how other people hurt just like we do and laugh at it. Isn't God doing the same thing? Let us have some success and then take it away. We pray to him and at best all he does is listen but does nothing about it nor gives us any verbal answers/signs.

    I have a feeling that next year 2011 could be a much improved peaceful year as I hope my birthday wish (To have three more wishes - Win her back in happiness harmony and resiliency - to forever have finanical security in a job/income/lottery or self sufficiency - and for us to have our own friends together that share's our interests and fits our style in personality and value that we may enterprise together in interactions that is truly special for us and our world.

    If was able to get over her and want another GF it would have to be with one that is a good solid friend for six months or more that's compatiable, congruent and harmonious with ourselves. However friendships is another problem I have. I can't seem to attract people in my life that fits my style or is interested in me or can stay interested in me. They often dissappear without a trace or even as friends I don't feel that connection. I think I may have a mild form of aspberger syndrom.

    I just feel that there is truly no solid hope for my future. I've lost my spirit, energy and drive to move on. If I do have any improvements in my life it will likely be to set up my next downfall. I felt that my GF was the answer for all the social/romance issues I was having. We matched on so many levels and elements naturally unlike anyone I ever met in my life. And to this day I still feel that way, and I know she should know that as well. But for some strange reason she is chosing a different path to self destroy her life. People tell you all the time that things will get better. But what is the point of that when the something better ends up leaving you for no good reason everytime.
    There is no end to that.
    Yet I keep feeling a false sense of hope that uncertain, unproven, unclear, and then my mood swings to the demons of doubt that tell me, "Stop feeding the Monster" and end my life. But I can't cope with death. Suicide is only a comtemplation at this time, but I know overtime it will get worse.
  2. Blue_Sky

    Blue_Sky Well-Known Member

    Life isn't a constant joy ride, everything has its ups and downs, just accept it and don't have any expectations. Things come things go, whatever. I try not to care anymore. You could lose everything at any moment.

    You know what, everyone is miserable. Reading this forum, and noticing in life, nobody is happy with anything. People with money are miserable, poor people are miserable. People on here say they want to kill themselves cause they can't find love, but plenty of people on here are married or with someone and they still want to kill themselves. People who have careers and jobs still want to kill themselves. It just reinforces my belief that you have to make yourself happy or choose to be happy. Sometimes I get overcome with sadness and depression too, which I dwell in for a while, but when I'm alone I can make myself happy, or I tell myself to be happpy, even though from the outside I really have nothing going for me. The hard thing for me is to learn how to go out in the world and still hold on to that happiness.

    I think your GF maybe needs some time to herself, do her own thing for a while, you should try to support her in that. I don't know your whole situation though maybe i'm wrong.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad you were able to just get your thoughts out here I hope you are seeing a doctor for your sadness for your depression Maybe some time apart will help a bit sometimes it does. I hope you continue to reach out okay take care
  4. I've left her alone for four plus months (no contact) I'll make it a min of six months (oct 2010) before I'll even think about trying to check up on her. She did allude to maybe being friends in the future. That is about the only hope I have, but I don't know how true that is or how soon that could be.

    I know that life isn't all pleasure, but the ups and downs in the way it's giving me it, I don't have the means to handle it. It shoots me down so badly before I have a chance to build anything that can last, otherwise I could handle it. What I'm hoping for is that on this likely promise of an uptick I can build and enterprise elements of my life so strongly that they will be resilient for the next crash life will give me.

    I really don't care about money. I wish I didn't exist. I rather live in a world of occasional bartering and self sufficiency. I grow my own food and manufacture my own energy and supplies. I like prepaid utilities rather than bills.
  5. HA!
    I wish.
    I can't afford therapist/psychiatrist/counsellors
    Time isn't helping me so far.
    I know how I'm going to won't change...barring some miracle.
    I'm working on saving money to get a form of therapy, even just having friends which is another problem.
  6. Also I couldn't disagree with you. People are unhappy for various wide spectrum of reasons. Everyone has there own story, and valid reasons
    However I don't think you should always have to make yourself happy. It should come naturally. IF you have to make yourself happy, you are forcing it, and it won't be true, especially if you have nothing to make yourself happy with. Why fake it?
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    If you're happy, does it really matter if it's "true"?
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