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Here's the Deal.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mama_Pills, May 25, 2012.

  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    For 7 years of my life, I suffered from clinical depression, the entire time spiraling downward into a black hole of self-injury, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, induced starvation, worthlessness, and I hit rock bottom my freshman year of college when my parents were not going to let me back to school sophomore year. Instead they were going to have me put in an institution, which I firmly believed would have made it worse. Despite the fact that I hardly remember my freshman year, I actually had friends and people to see, I was pursuing something that I loved and that made me feel good, and if that were to be taken away from me I would have died.

    Thankfully the institution didn't follow through, because I managed to convince them otherwise, and sophomore year I met the first man I held hands with, kissed, had sex with, and ultimately fell in love with. I was happy for the first time in my life, and having been on anti depressants for 5 months helped a lot too. I was changed as a person my second year of college, thanks to an acting class I was in (the details would take forever, but everyone who has been through it knows how life changing it is), and I was finally realizing who I am as a human being and coming to terms with myself, loving myself, and my boyfriend was there with me every step of the way. He knew about my depression and my history with suicide and self-harm, and he accepted it and still cared for me just as much.

    In Fall 2011 he went to study abroad in Russia. We both knew this was coming, and we had sat and talked about it and worked something out that would make the both of us feel comfortable and content (like we always did when we had a disagreement ... there was no arguing. Just civilized adult discussion). We could do as we pleased while he was away, and that was fine. I didn't sleep with anyone. I fooled around and had fun and learned to become independent, which is something I needed, and whatever happened in Russia stayed in Russia. All I know is that he had to reconsider his decision to not date in college and just focus on his career and his goals, and when he came back he informed me that his decision to not come back to a romantic relationship with me had nothing to do with me. He didn't want a romantic relationship, long term or short term, with anyone. He still doesn't. And I accepted that. It hurts so badly, but I accepted that.

    The day after we 'broke up', I slept with a guy I had been seeing who is friends with him, and I had begun to grow fond of him, so I saw nothing wrong with it. About a month later this guy told me that our relationship was too sexual, and that I needed time to be right with myself before I could be right with anyone else, and he told me that we would give it a little time, but that he wanted to see me again. His motivation behind this was because I had started having frequent manic-depressive episodes and would be screaming and crying and he didn't know how to handle it. And another month after that I found out he started dating someone else.

    I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.

    I want to scream at my ex. I want to hold his face between my hands and scream at him that this is his fault. He was gone, and look what happened to me. Look what happened when he wasn't there to protect me. But I want to hold him in my arms. I want to go to sleep at night and feel his breath on my neck and hold his fingers between mine. I want to be able to make him smile and I want to sit on his roof and just stay with each other. I miss him so much and I hate him for doing this to me even though it's my own fault for being vulnerable and lonely. I want to tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him and I want him to love and miss me right back. I think about how I will never find someone who treated me as well as he did and how I will never love someone as much as I love him. I think about the last time I kissed him and I wish it hadn't been the last. I wish I had given him one more kiss, but even if I had I would still be wishing I had given him just one more. I asked him recently if it was a hard decision for him to make, and he said yes, and his friend who was there with him said that, out of respect for him he couldn't give me details, but that I should believe him when he said that it was a very difficult decision for him to make. And I believe that. And I hold it close to my heart. But I just want him back.

    I'm so lonely and I've fallen right back into the hole I started from. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be alive anymore.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It might sound clique, but I was where you are, felt I could not go on without my ex, and then met the love of my life...it is important to be open to the next person...he will be different, but no less loving and 'right'...and yes, focusing on what you can do for yourself and resolving your issues are critical to being an active partner
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You met two people who cared for you but your illness is not under control Get you stable get talking to a pofessional and you then again will meet someone special You will hun
    I know right now you are suffering but with help with support you can stay out of that darkness and move forward again hugs