Here's to hoping!

Here's to hoping that I don't post here anymore. I mean no offense, but it is a little morbid to be posting a suicide forum. And depressing. And I don't need that depression any more than I've already got it!

I hope to be over it soon!

But I am going to reach out to my love, and ask her if she wants me back, in some fashion, in her life.

I will either be shit upon, or torn up inside, or responded to nicely. I think my odds of the latter are about 1 in 3. We'll see.

I hope I am not back! Wish me luck!

 

I wish you all the support needed to stay well and strong take care and good luck

 

If you feel that you don't need this place, then all the power to you. I hope you get her back, if that's the right thing, or that you get over her (which I think would be better).

Good luck.

 

Thank you! People like you give me hope! Awesome!

 

my letter to her. I hope it works. I don't want to be in the dumps again...

I am writing this because I have had a long time to think about what happened. I feel bad about some of it, and wish to apologize. I also don't want to in any way be at odds with you.

I know we both said and did things that were a little mean, a little wrong, and which hurt. I forgive these and want forgiveness. But there is so much more to this letter. Please read it - it is a nice letter!

I realize you said that we had "just a couple of nice dinners." But I remember more than that. I remember your card "penguins mate for life" and "I love you with all of my heart, my body, my soul." Those words meant something to me! I remember making love to you, whil you looked up at me and said "I love you." I remember many sweet kisses down at the beach. I remember us being the world's cutest couple.

I fell for you like a ton of bricks. I don't normally do that. You don't know of anyone else i've done that with - because it has not happened but once before - a long time ago. I don't know how to explain what happened or why I felt so much for you so quickly. But I did. It was real for me. I remember that day in L - kissing in the candle store, and holding you while that guitarist played beautiful background music. I remember our first wonderful date. I remember sitting outside with you on that date, looking at a menu, and being the happeiest man on Earth to just be able to sit there with you.

Sometimes I think that God wanted me to fall in love with you to cheer you up for awhile. I hope I did.

I know it didn't end well. But I hope it isn't a true end.

I did what you said I should do. I went to anger management classes. I prayed about it. I bought and read books on anger. I started going to my counselor again.

I learned a lot of things. One of them resulted in my writing out one day a description of all you were going through and how it must have felt to you at the time. I realized then how truly scared you must have felt, about everything. I felt terrible for not realizing it sooner.

I then worked on having empathy for you. And I had a huge realization. I had been in denial about you having cancer. Don't get me wrong - I knoew it - intellectually. And had great stress from watching the woman I loved suffer (I truly did).

But I had, in order to fall for you so completely, convinced myself you would be okay. And in our conversations, I therefore couldn't process that you were scared, thatyou might not be okay, and that you were so, so overwhelmed with the craziness of life.

And the torture of that awful treatment you were going through was hard for me to bear, but it must have been truly terrifying for you.

And then here is this guy who wants to have a relationship with you in the midst of all of this. What were you to think about that? I truly was in love (and part of me always will be) but I can see why you thought I must be crazy, or needy, or desperate. I wasn't. I was in love and all that emotion was new, and it just served to confuse me. I had such highs with you and didn't want them to stop.

But I can see how unrealistic I was. It is as if I thought "okay, she has cancer, that that will only be an issue while we are talking about cancer. even if we can't go out, the rest can still be the same" I was totally unrealistic.

You kept telling me "I didn't get it" I didn't like it at the time, but boy you were right. And I am so, so sorry if that resulted in any inreased frustration, pain, or upset to you. I hope you know that I would never intentionally do anything to harm you or even upset you. I know taht I did upset you and I am so, so sorry for that. Please forgive me if you can.

While I don't believe that a relationship fails ever, just because of one person, I do believe I was a bit naive in thinking we could have a great love affair through all of this. I wish we could. The first few weeks together were magic and I hope you enjoyed them.

I hope you don't think I am all bad. I cared for you, and still do, very deeply.

I hope that, for awhile, we were good together, from your perspective.

Another thing I have read about regarding anger is that it is often tied to expectations. My expectations were astronomical. Again, I am so, so sorry for this and I know you didn't need it at the time. I have never had a close friend or family member go through a serious illness before - where I am close by. My grandparents were in another state. My parents were both very healthy and only children. Until recently, with K and J and you, I simply never experienced it and it left me a little overwhelmed.

I have also learned that am actually in control of how angry I get and how I express it. An example that comes to mind is that of a couple arguing, then the phone rings, and they answer it politeley. It can be controlled.

I haven't yelled at anyone in a few weeks. I hope I never do. It accomplishes nothing. And I feel so bad that I raised my voice at you, made demands on you, and didn't realize at the time what you were going through.

I have never stopped thinking of you, praying for you, and wishing the best fo you. One other unfortunate effect of having badly manageed anger is saying destructive things. I did and I am sorry. I have learned not to, and to let others have the last word. When we would fight, or when I would argue with anyone, I always wanted the last word. I no longer do, and I have found it is really helpful in diffusing situations. For example, I ha d alcient who was upset that I didn't get more angry and demanding when dealing with his bank. He had an anger problem. I didn't take the bait, but more importantly, I was able to conclude our business together with an angry man, who I told to find new representation, without any animosity or unneeded back-and-forth. I let him say his piece, and Ididn't respond, other than to give the file back and return the fee. I think actually sort of likes me! The old dave would have let the testosterone get my mouth runniong. I love these small victories.

But I hate that I am at odds with you.

I want to ask your forgiveness. I apologize for my actions, unintentional and even well-meaning, but I feel awful for what happened on my end. I truly cared fo ryou and please believe me when I say I would never harm or whish you harm in any way. Teh last day we talked was one of the saddest days of my life.

And, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for being important enough to me that you caused me to truly seek help for something that has plagued my relationships, my employment, and my well-being for years. Losing you was so painful I couldn't go on without doing something about it. In a way, I felt it as a gift to you, even though we weren't speaking.

I want you to know that I still have feelings for you. I probably always will. I have never, not for a week, not included a request for prayers for you on my prayer card at church. I hppe that makes you feel good to know that my men's group is praying fo ryou.

And I hope that will get over losing you.

But while I still have desires, one thing I no longer have are expectations of you. It was wrong for me to have any expectation of you other than that you would go to your appointments, sleep, eat, drink water and recover. Please accept my apology for burdening you with my wants. These were sweet wants I assure you.

I do care for you, would love to know you are doing well, and I apologize for all of these things. I could go on and on, bu I am sure you get the picture.

I don't want to lose you as a friend. I have always thought hihgly of you. You've always been smart and nice and down to earth and I don't forget that.

Please forgive me! I hope you do!

I can tell you I will never expect unreasonable things from you again, and will never werite mean things to you again, and no matter what happens or whether you even forgive me for any of this, I will never yell at you again. I promise you these things without any expectaiton from you.

I would like tot hink that you are okay and I will keep praying for you.

Love, David

 

Thank you, it does help to talk about it, get it out. I feel okay most of the time, great even some of the time. But I have this transient, terrible sadness every few days. I shouldn't be so torn up over the loss of a love, but I sometimes am. I will send her my letter tonight!

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers!

 

I thought about her again tonight. I hearrd a song which reminded me of her. I was left bawling. I used to tell her I neeeded her like air and water. I wasn't far off. I feel I have nothing to live for and I have lost my true love Lisa.

 

Talking about it, or writing about it, EVENTUALLY helps. But sometimes it sets off a storm of emotions, or a wave of feelings for her, that overwhelm me. To go from being everything to nothing to someone I truly loved is devastating. It says something about her, but as long as I want her back, I have a tough time allowing myself to admit that, even though it is the sane and safe thing to do. I haven't sent her my letter yet. I'm gonna give it to this weekend to think and pray about things, and may re-write some of it and send it then. But I really truly do miss her an awful lot. I LOVE YOU LISA!

 

But you know what, Lisa doesn't deserve me. She asked for things that she would never and did never give in our brief relationship. I have to move on.

 

I'm glad to hear you've moved on David.....I wish you well in the future....