Here's what I think about....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amk666, Sep 24, 2012.

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  1. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Woke up this morning after sleeping reasonably well. My first thought was, I can't shoot myself.

    Why ever not, andy? SF readers ask.

    Like this. We've lived in NYC for the past 17 years, &, as Dorothy Parker opined, "guns aren't legal." In fact you're exactly like someone who was convicted of a felony or renounced his citizenship just by living here. So, this past May I found myself driving to Santa Fe, NM to pick up my son & his fiancee & bring them back. Passing through Oklahoma I went on a gun buyer's forum, contacted a guy & bought a Glock 21 (.45 acp) off him.


    At that moment I just didn't know if we'd ever leave New York, & I hate being told what I can & can't have just because I live somewhere. We've owned guns in the past in our home state of CA. But really I wasn't thinking of anything past being ready for the Collapse of Society or one of those pain-in-the-ass zombie holocausts. When I got home I showed Lisa the gun. She wasn't thrilled, but she said, "Well, can we keep it unloaded?"

    I said yes, 'cause it's not registered. So if you break into our home I can't shoot you; I still have to hit you on the head with a baseball bat.

    So why can't I shoot myself? That's how I always imagined dying someday, however things are otherwise in my life. Because how can I do that to her? If I shoot myself with the gun she allowed me to keep, she's gonna feel like shit.

    Stupid, right? Is she going to say, "Well, that's not good, but at least he didn't shoot himself with the gun I let him keep!"?

    So, yeah, this is the kind of shit that takes up my already limited mental energy:)

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 25, 2012
  2. Wispiwill

    Wispiwill Well-Known Member

    I don't think that's stupid. I think it shows you care about her and are trying to make it at easy on her as you can. You can't make it completely painless but you're trying to remove as much guilt from her as you can. That's how it seems to me, anyway.
  3. ksmith86

    ksmith86 Well-Known Member

    Yeah dude she would definitely be replaying the moment you brought home the gun for the rest of her life. Please don't do it that way, she WILL blame herself. Is lisa your wife??? I have no idea what your situation is but surely having a woman around who loves you is enough of a reason to keep living.

    Also: Stupid, right? Is she going to say, "Well, that's not good, but at least he didn't shoot himself with the gun I let him keep!"?.................. Is just you trying to counter your original instinct on the situation (which was correct in my opinion). You're looking for an excuse to do what you want! Don't let that kind of logic make decisions for you. :)
  4. amk666

    amk666 Active Member

    Appreciate the comments, guys;-). If I really thought she'd be okay if I hanged myself or OD'd then I'd probably be in real danger of that. Shooting myself would add insult to injury, but of a magnitude of tossing a hand-grenade into a nuclear mushroom cloud. I just have to figure out a better way to get by.

    Ironically, or not, there are circumstances under which she'd probably let me shoot myself: Alzheimer's, perhaps terminal cancer. We've both cared for patients, especially those suffering the former. No one wants to wind up that way, but experiencing it first-hand gives one extra incentive to avoid it.

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