First time to this forum. No one here knows me so I guess I can just let it all out. Here's why I truly feel like suicide. I was pretty much born with real bad asthma. I'm well over 36 now and it still effects me bad. I have been on my death bed numerous times. For those who don't have asthma, you have no idea what it's like. I keep thinking "PLEASE be the last one" when I have an asthma attack. Unfortunatly, I'm still here. The past 10 years or so have really been bad for me. First though, let me explain my childhood. From 12 yrs old to 18 I spent in several different foster homes. For those who don't know, most foster parents could honestly give to shits about you. It's all about the $$$ to them. I have seen a lot of nasty and bad things happen to people during this time. Burned a nasty image in my head. Needless to say, none of those years where worth much. Never graduated from high school. Missed most of it due to asthma. My mother was an alchoholic up until I was about 25 yrs old. My father left when I was about 4. My mom did finally merry a guy who didn't care to much about me or my two brothers. At least not at first. Him and I ended up not bad. I was probobly his best friend. Of course, he died. Oh...he asked me to take care of my mother. I promised I would. My older brother doesn't talk to her and my younger brother has followed her footsteps and is an alchoholic. There is honestly not enough time to write a noval right now so... About the last ten years. I had a dog that I considered my son. I was with a girl who hated the fact that I loved him so much. Ekko was his name. Ekko ended up getting cancer at the young age of 2 1/2. Put him down shortly after his 3rd birthday. My girl at the time gave absolutly no warmth to me, no comfort. It was that day that I told her I was leaving. She started cheating on me the following day. I was in Washington and home was San Diego. Did have a brief good spell where I became what I am today. A strip bar DJ. Yeah, I had some fun but now, it makes me sick. I am very good at what I do. Known to be one of the best in these parts. It's funny how I lost my job because the manager hated that everyone liked me. Fired me. That's this business. I have never had a problem getting a job until now. I have even went out of state to find work and still nothing. My credit cards are all maxed out and so are my present girlfriends. We are going to lose the house soon. Actually, it's her house. Our relationship has been in the toilet for a while now. When we fight, it's nasty. Self destruction kinda stuff with both parties. I beg to not fight in front of her kids. Still she does. 10 and 17 are their ages. To make sure you understand, the fighting is bad bad bad. I have never hit a woman and never will. They on the other hand love hitting. I never thought I would be like I am today but. In fact, I was probobly the happiest guy around. I thought nothing could take me down. A lot of things sure did try to take me down and they still do. "THEY" are winning the battle. I can't take it anymore. I have nothing to look forward to in my future. I have no kids but have wanted for so long. The girl I'm with can't have any. My cars are breaking down, the roof is leaking and our heater doesn't work. We tried to go in on a resuraunt business with a friend of my girls. Within 4 months we put in every last penny we had to make the business work. Around 25,000. It's all gone and the business never got off the ground. Now we are in the position we are in. Anyways...one last thing before I go. Why is it that we go to hell if we commit suicide. Is this God's sick way of saying "Ha Ha, you have to stay and deal with whatever shit I give you"? It's really hard for me to even believe there is a God. Mysterious ways? Why drive someone to feelings like this. THATS SICK! Oh yeah...I guess that whenever I do die, I did leave something behind for people who love music. TheIdealMusician dot com. I spent many of years figuring out how to make it work. The site is up but not a lot of people have signed up. Looks to me like a complete waste of time. Hopefully it finds some of you well. I'm going to live today for as long as I can then just go back to sleep...