Here's why I truly feel this way.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by PhoenixDave, Jan 23, 2007.

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  1. PhoenixDave

    PhoenixDave New Member

    First time to this forum. No one here knows me so I guess I can just let it all out. Here's why I truly feel like suicide. I was pretty much born with real bad asthma. I'm well over 36 now and it still effects me bad. I have been on my death bed numerous times. For those who don't have asthma, you have no idea what it's like. I keep thinking "PLEASE be the last one" when I have an asthma attack. Unfortunatly, I'm still here. The past 10 years or so have really been bad for me. First though, let me explain my childhood. From 12 yrs old to 18 I spent in several different foster homes. For those who don't know, most foster parents could honestly give to shits about you. It's all about the $$$ to them. I have seen a lot of nasty and bad things happen to people during this time. Burned a nasty image in my head. Needless to say, none of those years where worth much. Never graduated from high school. Missed most of it due to asthma. My mother was an alchoholic up until I was about 25 yrs old. My father left when I was about 4. My mom did finally merry a guy who didn't care to much about me or my two brothers. At least not at first. Him and I ended up not bad. I was probobly his best friend. Of course, he died. Oh...he asked me to take care of my mother. I promised I would. My older brother doesn't talk to her and my younger brother has followed her footsteps and is an alchoholic. There is honestly not enough time to write a noval right now so... About the last ten years. I had a dog that I considered my son. I was with a girl who hated the fact that I loved him so much. Ekko was his name. Ekko ended up getting cancer at the young age of 2 1/2. Put him down shortly after his 3rd birthday. My girl at the time gave absolutly no warmth to me, no comfort. It was that day that I told her I was leaving. She started cheating on me the following day. I was in Washington and home was San Diego. Did have a brief good spell where I became what I am today. A strip bar DJ. Yeah, I had some fun but now, it makes me sick. I am very good at what I do. Known to be one of the best in these parts. It's funny how I lost my job because the manager hated that everyone liked me. Fired me. That's this business. I have never had a problem getting a job until now. I have even went out of state to find work and still nothing. My credit cards are all maxed out and so are my present girlfriends. We are going to lose the house soon. Actually, it's her house. Our relationship has been in the toilet for a while now. When we fight, it's nasty. Self destruction kinda stuff with both parties. I beg to not fight in front of her kids. Still she does. 10 and 17 are their ages. To make sure you understand, the fighting is bad bad bad. I have never hit a woman and never will. They on the other hand love hitting. I never thought I would be like I am today but. In fact, I was probobly the happiest guy around. I thought nothing could take me down. A lot of things sure did try to take me down and they still do. "THEY" are winning the battle. I can't take it anymore. I have nothing to look forward to in my future. I have no kids but have wanted for so long. The girl I'm with can't have any. My cars are breaking down, the roof is leaking and our heater doesn't work. We tried to go in on a resuraunt business with a friend of my girls. Within 4 months we put in every last penny we had to make the business work. Around 25,000. It's all gone and the business never got off the ground. Now we are in the position we are in. last thing before I go. Why is it that we go to hell if we commit suicide. Is this God's sick way of saying "Ha Ha, you have to stay and deal with whatever shit I give you"? It's really hard for me to even believe there is a God. Mysterious ways? Why drive someone to feelings like this. THATS SICK! Oh yeah...I guess that whenever I do die, I did leave something behind for people who love music. TheIdealMusician dot com. I spent many of years figuring out how to make it work. The site is up but not a lot of people have signed up. Looks to me like a complete waste of time. Hopefully it finds some of you well. I'm going to live today for as long as I can then just go back to sleep...
  2. Jolanta

    Jolanta Member & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Dave,
    Welcome to the Suicide Forum. You sound like you are in a tough spot, but I'm glad you came here. Asthma is nothing to mess around with, I know this because my daughter has it. I've rushed her to the emergency room numerous times. She was dx with it at age two and she is now 24.
    Foster homes, eh? That doesn't sound like much fun, although I don't know much about it.
    Everyone has their personal beliefs about God, but I don't believe that people who commit suicide go to hell. In the world according to me those people are suffering more pain than they can bear. God is not such a terrible being as all that.
    I hope you will come again to the forum, or even to the chat room and introduce yourself.
    :hug: :hug: :hug:
  3. PhoenixDave

    PhoenixDave New Member

    Thank you for your comments. Since the last time I wrote I am now in another terrible fight with my girl. I'm not sure if I had mentioned but she is like bipoler. She rarely speaks positive. She says it's because of me. I'm not sure if she is wrong on that. I'm obviously still here but I am feeling trapt in a corner again. I scream for help and even pray but feel nobody hears. I don't want to hurt anyone by leaving this place but that feeling is drawn down to almost nothing. This is like armaggeden in my mind. I consider myself mentally ill not simply because of my suicidal feelings but everything from basically the first day I can remember to now is just not right for anyone to go through. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Time to go. Thanks again.

  4. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    I have a dog. I am so afraid she is going to die. My other dog died of cancer at about 8 years. I can't believe you had to put your dog down at 3!! That is soooo sad! My dog is 2 1/2 --if I found out she had cancer right now I would cry for weeks.

    When my other dog died, I wanted to get a new one right away, but my mother didn't. she was still mourning sammy. finally after 3 years of begging, i got my wish and rescued morgan from the pound. If at all possible, my best piece of advice to you is, if you love dogs as much as i do, get another one.

    I think you have a chance at life! you said yourself you used to be a happy person, and it is a matter of time before life gets better again.

    I think, if you love your girlfriend and aren't ready to leave her, make her go to a therapist with you and get counselling. if she refuses, and you are ready to leave her, just go. my dad sounds like your girlfriend and as much as i love him, i need to get away from him. he brings my family down but my mom doesn't kick him out for financial reasons. they don't love one another. the way you described the fighting in your house is how we fight here. he's been an alcoholic since he was 17 and is depressed but hasn't seen a doctor of anykind in 20 years. i love him, but i need him out. that doesn't mean i won't see him.

    you also said you want kids, but she can't have any. there is a HUGE clue that she is not the one for you. i think you need to find someone else.

    i hope some of this helped. i find i can only give advice when i myself am either experiencing the same thing or can relate to it. good luck and keep pushing!
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You have been through a lot in your short lifetime, and it seems to continue on. I know how that feels. I think it is time for you to move on from this relationship and find one that truly is right for you. It may mean being alone for awhile, but that will give you the time you need to get back on your feet and know what you want to gain from your life. You mentioned children. They can be a great blessing. Of course there is always the opposite :blink: I have 4 and they keep me on my toes. But I would not give them up or change them for anything. I am going to check out your site. Sounds interesting to me. I hope you are soon able to find work and begin digging your way back to the top. Don't give up, keep at it. :hug:
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