Hero to zero.... Fall of a firefighter.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fallen firefighter, Jan 12, 2014.

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  1. I have been a paramedic for 9 years and was a firefighter for 12. I was fired for no reason at all. I tryed to get my job back and it's never gonna happen. I saved the asses of my fellow firefighters many times. I'm a extremely good medic and I have done a lot... However... All my efforts are now vapor.... I have 20,000 in student loan debt, a house that is 5 states away with a property manager who has fucked me out of 3 months rent and I'm gonna let the house go if I can't figure something out, a best friend who I left Oklahoma and moved back to California to help him with his business.... And I haven't seen a profit or any income for 3 months...I'm in $12,000 in credit card debt.... And counting..... I've thought of suicide many times over the years and have attempted about 12 times..... Most were poor efforts where I saw the light and how wonderful the world is haha....on the outside il tall very good looking and funny.... On the inside my blood is filled with acid burning me from the inside out......

    Over the years I have seen many people die... Terrible deaths.... I wish I could trade places with them....I had a moment in my last fire I was in where I thought of removing my equipment and taking deep breaths of the smoke.... And die a hero.... I regret everyday that I wake up now for not doing that.... It would have bee perfect....yes I have 3 kids.... They are 6, 4, and 3... Two boys and a girl..... They are wonderful.... They are the only reason why I haven't done it yet.... But honestly.... I'm almost ready... A long time patient of mine.. Told me once.... "You know when ur ready to die?" When u can put a gun in you mouth and not cry.....yes he finally killed himself and I respect him for having the balls to do it...... When I put a gun in my mouth... I shed no tears...... It feels good.... Really good...that's why I sold my guns.... I am downtown my last nerve.... Like I'm ready..... Like no bs ready like not tonight ready like hot n ready lil cesers pizza ready...... I'm thinking of joining the Army.... Put on a face face like normal and see if I can get lucky and die doing something good....

    But I have done the math and I think my kids would be better off with my death beinfits from the state.. My old fire dept. went out of there way to make sure I got denied for unemployment....
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    have you been to therapy or a psychologist or a priest/minister to talk any of this out before?

    would you be willing to try?

    sorry, but i don't think your kids would be better off with your benefits. trust me, i know people who's parents killed themselves. it messed them up pretty badly. not a judgement i hope you understand. just the facts.

    i wish you well. talk things out here if you have to.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Dear FallenFireFighter,

    Please speak to someone, I plead. I spoke to a helpline and it did help me through my struggle. We all get at a low ebb but do not think your are alone. We all struggle everyday but this forum is a godsend. I am struggling at the moment but reading the stories of the others helps me. The forum has helped me cope and shows me that I am not alone.

    Speak to someone, or continue to post here for support. I think your still an hero, given the public jobs you have done and the lives you have saved. You have my respect. Take care.
  4. Speaking and talking won't fix my issues... 1- I have no job and my past fire dept chief is going out of his way to tell employers who reference me that I'm not a good employee...2- I'm broke as shit... After this month... My credit cards will be maxed out even... So yeah.. I'm super fucked...

    So this is why they let me go.... First my assistant chief is a dumbass...he sends people into dangerous fires and risks firemens life's do no reason... Example, barn fire... Yesa fucking barn fire.... Fully envolved he had firemen deep into the barn fighting fire.... No humans in there and all the animals are long gone.... I show up run in there and pull them out.... As I'm chewing their asss the building collapsed... Yeah they would have died....so yeah me doing my job embarrasses him...

    Another reason... A restaurant owned by the chiefs son... A failing business I might add.... Catches on fire at 0200 Monday am.... It's closed on Sundays.... It burns so hot that the copper on the floor melts.... Heat rises btw..... The upper floor was the only thing we lost.. The lower was fine..... I have 9 years of Arson investigation experience .... So yeah.. 2 months later I get my walking papers...... Even worse they hold my last paycheck for 2 months....I sold all my 401ks from other jobs...only $4,000 worth....but I was forced to life off that for the past 5 months... They denied my unemployment because the cityof Tuttle says I didn't follow their "SOPs" or common terms rule book... They have no rule book... So yeah.. Talking to someone won't fix the issues...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 13, 2014
  5. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    Dude sell your shit, move and start over. You still have a chance to live. You have valuable skills and saving lives can keep you alive. And if that fails get combat training and join a private military company, they're always looking for good medics. You'll get paid a shit load of cash working in a dangerous country and you might get actually enjoy it
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