Heroin addicts and recovering heroin addicts, what's your story?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Jul 10, 2014.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    For me, it started in 2010. I actually started out taking a milligram or 2 of Suboxone before I started taking any kind of opiates. I know for most people it's the opposite way around, but since I hadn't done any kind of opiates in my life before that point, that milligram or 2 had me stoned out of my mind. I did it 2-3 times a week on days that I felt more depressed than usual. Then I ended up getting a kidney stone and getting prescribed Perc 5's. One at a time wasn't helping so I decided to take 2 at one point and, after spewing my guts out, 20-30 minutes later, I felt awesome and was practically drooling on myself. So needless to say the rest of those Perc 5's went rather quickly. When those were gone, I upgraded to Dilaudid and Fentanyl. Then, a few months later, I decided to try snorting my first bag of dope. Well, technically half a bag at first because I had no idea how it would affect me and I was afraid to OD. 15 minutes later, I was in love. I kept doing it week after week, and then within the next 6 months, it wasn't enough anymore and I shot it for the first time. Not even 2 seconds later, I was even more in love (and, without realizing it, completely screwed as well). I did that for a while, thinking I could still stop if I wanted to, and to prove it to myself i stayed clean on my own free will without any kind of detox or anything for about 5 months. 5 months later however, relapse. Then another. And another. A few weeks of that, and then a full blown binder for about a week straight...dope in combination with crack, coke, and benzos. I wrote and cashed a few fake checks, sold all my shit, stole other people's shit and sold that, until I finally couldn't think of any more ideas to make money and had to stop. I ended up detoxing at home and it was absolutely terrible, but I managed to stay clean for a little over a year and then this past April another relapse, and since then I've had 3 more. So at this point, I honestly don't know where the hell I'm going doing all this bullshit again, but probably nowhere good. Right now, it's been about 2 weeks since my last one, maybe a little bit over. I've still been on Suboxone during periods that I was clean off dope, though. And that's pretty much the gist of my story, so I was just wondering (if there are any other heroin addicts out there) what yours is.
     
  2. Aric

    Aric New Member

    Currently im dependent on heroin which has torn my life apart...i started smoking bud which never lead to anyhting else. until i got hurt and got some percs. had a cousin ask for one and snorted it.. then offered me some. so i took it and been since.. next thing i know its2 years later.. and my complete left nostril is collapsed..im buying higher MG doses and then i started to find other means of getting them when i was out...then i came across opana and losed it.. then got cut off and while working a co-worker pulls out a bag of some black. i had never seen it much before so i asked about it, he told me, and sold me a dub out of it.. next thign i know.. any pills i got, i was selling to get the heroin, i was starting to steal more, doing anything i can... still am.. and i hate it... ive tried to OD and end it but it never fails.. i just wake up. ive never shot the drug but im scared because lately ive thought about it more and more. i only smoke it but its getting worse.. i lost everything, my job, family and friends. in a span of 4 months. i dont know how to quit.. its so much pain. i onyl wish you the best because if i could stop using i would in a heartbeat...
     
  3. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Sorry, wish I had more to offer you both, for support.

    Just, Word!

    Sold about all my shit to fund my habit(s). I'm off much of it now. Who knows how long it will last. I was addicted to ALL benzo's. I quit the crack years ago. Got sick of it, and being burned by fakes. Turned to loads of Codeine syrup (don't go there). I have mush for brains. I got a bad hit earlier in the year of something, and it messed me up; badly. Careful with shit that you don't know, never know whats really in it. When some brains return today, I'll try again, sorry.

    Just stay strong, and never give up on hope - for change. Addiction bites!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2014
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Well, since I wrote that post, it's now been 3 months since my last high. Opiates/opiods completely fucked up my digestive system. I can barely even tolerate low doses of Suboxone anymore. But I can't go without Suboxone, so I still have to take that regardless, but when I do it constipates me and makes me not able to digest food properly, so I end up in excruciating pain. It's kind of a vicious cycle though, because being in pain makes me want to get high even more, but I know that if I shoot a bag it's going to affect me a lot worse than the Suboxone cause it's a lot stronger. Yesterday, I found myself craving pretty badly. Not so much dope, mainly crack because that usually doesn't affect my stomach like dope does. But really, just any kind of high that wouldn't physically make me worse would have sufficed. But the cravings were consuming me so badly for like several hours that I almost felt like crying. As of this point though, it's not as bad as yesterday anymore. I started school again this past week, so the last thing I need is to give in to something like that because if I do, I know damn well I'm probably not going to graduate and fuck it all up again.

    Aric, where do you live if you don't mind me asking? I'm in Philly, so I've never seen black dope around here. It's usually a tannish brown color. Although I remember a couple of years ago this one kind was around that was really, really dark. I forget what the hell it was called, it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't think of it. It was like a dark brown though after you mixed it, and it was the best dope I've ever had in my life. Apparently, it was cut with Ketamine, which I didn't expect when I found that out, but hey as long as it fucked me up, I really didn't care. They don't have it anymore though, apparently a lot of people were ODing and dying from that particular dope and I think that block got shut down because of it. But yeah you never know what you're getting really. It could be cut with almost anything or you might be getting something completely shitty or fake. You say you've never shot it though, which is good. Do NOT ever do that. Once you do, you will be so completely and utterly screwed, more than you'll even realize. Shooting it made it so much worse for me. If I hadn't ever tried doing that, I don't think I would have done half the stupid shit I did to try to get it. Plus, when I first started shooting it, I used to completely miss my vein so many times cause I didn't know how to do it properly and you don't want to be doing that and possibly get an absess cause you can die if that happens. Have you tried going to NA or anything? It actually helped me quite a bit when I used to go.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2014
  5. Aric

    Aric New Member

    Sorry for the late response.. i live in Colorado and its Black Tar Heroin, comes in a brownish powder but if you are in a humid area or if you useyour breath to blow on it slightly it starts toclump together and make a 'black tar' like substance and its the most incredible high(i guess)..but,i've been burned more by using this drug than any other.never buying pills OR weed did i ever get burned so much. its been a total of 7 years that ive been using opiods and about 5 months for heroin. you know if its cut just by tast and if you end up getting the powder you can tell by the powder not shifting when you apply humidity to it. im on day 2 so far of not using but i have been sniffing percocets to ease the WD and i know thats noteven close to recovery.. if i had 20$ i know id buy more and it sucks.
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Oh, I finally remembered what that dope was called, that I was talking about before. Cartel. It didn't look that dark in powder form, but once you added water to it, it was a very dark brown. Years and years ago there was another kind that was around that apparently killed like 100+ people. It was called FeFe, and cut with Fentanyl. Apparently, though, the people who cut it put way too much Fentanyl in it, and if your tolerance wasn't like through the roof, you OD'd just from shooting one bag. Very sad, when you think about it, but a lot better than some of the other shit that people use which will land almost anybody in the ER (or morgue)...baby laxatives, rat poison, battery acid...That's why it's extremely dangerous to buy it from someone you don't know. Could be the last shot you ever do. Most people around here don't apply heat to it though, it just dissolves immediately when you add water. And the only way people get burned is if they don't know what they're doing. If you know the person you're going to and have a mutual trust, they won't burn you cause they want you to keep coming back. But if you don't, and you just pick some random person to buy from (especially if you're white and look like you've never done it before), oh yeah...consider your money as good as gone and they're not giving you shit. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. From personal experience, though, I can tell you that until the consequences of what you're doing start to outweigh the reward, it's going to be nearly impossible to stop.
     
  7. bleedingrage

    bleedingrage Active Member

    Currently have an mscontin habit. Iv is my preferred method. Nothing much else to say. I mean is it weird that drugs and suicidal thoughts go hand in hand? I'm sitting here typing this haven't showered in 2 weeks, dried blood on my arms and I feel like my life isn't real. Like none of this is happening and when I realize it is real I'm overcome by guilt @ hopelessness. Been to rehabs for h, dillies, fent, dones, and oxy. Methamphetamine was bad but these opiates are killing me and I can't stop shooting up regardless. What should I do?
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, when you're caught up in addiction, normal every day things, including personal hygiene, go out the window. I've certainly been there before, as well. Rehabs don't always work. My husband has been in and out of rehabs and jail countless times too before he got clean. The most important thing to do first though is to actually want to stop. If you don't want to stop, then no matter how many times you go to detox, rehab, or jail, it's not going to make any difference. I wish I could tell you different, but that's just how it is. I would think, however, from the post you wrote that at least part of you does want all this to stop. If that's the case, please don't give up and keep trying. Even if rehab hasn't worked before, sign yourself in again. It may not work the first 5, 10, 15 times, but you never know when that one time that you go something will finally click. It happens to a lot of people, my husband being one of those. Or if not rehab, then at least try going to NA meetings. But please, whatever you do, don't just do nothing. No matter how many times you relapse, keep trying. It's not something that's just going to go away with minimal effort. It's a lifelong disease that takes a lot of hard work and a circle of support to keep under control. Like I said, there will most likely be a lot of relapses along the way, especially at first, but if you continue to try and do the right thing, you can beat it. My husband and I still struggle with it too. I last relapsed a couple of months ago and lately I've really been thinking about it again and trying to cope and not give into it. It's a very long and hard road ahead, but don't give up and if you need anything at all don't hesitate to PM me. My husband and I have been through all of this too, and I know how difficult and awful it is.
     
  9. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    HAPPY NEW YEAR! Its obvious you need to engage with 12 step recovery most probably NA! in order to stay stopped and begin to start living again... if not try smart recovery if not try intherooms if not try x-a speakers if not! As was said you gotta want it! If i tell you to start runnimg around the local park naked every morning will keep you clean and ypu want it enought it will work...
     
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