Hetred lead to emptiness (Long story)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Chaos_Zero, Aug 2, 2009.

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  1. Chaos_Zero

    Chaos_Zero Member

    My parents divorced when I was eight years old, so I guess that is where the depression in my life was born; a seed of woe planted within my core. Later on in my life, my mother met a new man who later became my step father.

    He was a decent man, unlike the normal stories about those step fathers who don't take no guff from nobody, he was a polite and rather simple man.....heavy on the simple.

    He was an ex soldier of the Canadian military, had a but education and was able to obtain "decent" work in order to get money to put a rook over our heads and food on the table. Disagreements would rise up between the two of us, leaving my mom in the center of our quarrels. By this time in our lives we were living in a town called Lindsay, a fair bit of time away from Toronto, Ontario in Canada.

    We were living our "decent" lives, when come to find out that my step father had children of his own, three to be exact. Two of his children ended up being okay and lovable enough to call them my own sibblings...but the third and eldest of them went by the name of Zack :mad:.

    Eventually Zack started to live with us. For about three or four agonizingly long years he lived with us, driving my mom up the wall and being a condescending ass to me. It wasn't until later on that I found out that he was jealous of the fact that I got to spend time with his father (even though I didn't want to) when he couldn't.

    One day, when Lucas (the littlest step brother) visited us we were rough housing with each other. At one point I ended up pushing Lucas a little too hard, causing him to cry. Zack smarted off to me, which made walk off angrily down to the kitchen (We were living in Alberta at this point by the way).

    It was about that time I pulled a butcher knife from the drawer, a nice long and slender one, not like those cleavers you see in the shops. I thought that if I ended my life, that I wouldn't have to put up with this crap. But then I thought that if I did away with Zack, then I would be able to live without the tyranny of the intergalactic nimrod.

    Before I could make a decision, Zack came into the kitchen, saw me with the knife, and thought that I was contemplating suicide. If I didn't know him any better, I could've sworn that he actually cared about me. Good thing I don't because in my heart I knew that he thought that if I died then it would've been his fault and he would have gotten a serious punishment, like prison.

    A year or so later, Zack moved back with his mother and went into the military (like his father) but ended up washing out like a turd going through the savage sewer system and being dumped in the ocean, never being cleaned into purified water to start anew.

    Anyways, during those times and now, I've always felt something missing in my life, something that I desperately wanted so much that if I knew I couldn't have it I felt that there would seriously be no point in living. I just wish I knew what it was.

    Anyways that's my story....
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I am sorry to hear of your family issues and hope that you get things under control. How is your relationship with your step-siblings now? Are you seeing anyone for your feelings? If not, you might want to consider it. I am glad you came here looking for support. :hug:
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum!
     
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hi chaos :hug: welcome to sf!
    i'm glad you found us!
    i hope you find all the help and support you need here :smile:
    if you ever need anything, i'm always here :heart:
    triggs xx
     
  5. Chaos_Zero

    Chaos_Zero Member

    @ gentlelady: Thanks. As far as my step sibblings go I love my step sister as much as a real sister (I often call her sis) and my little step brother is fun to be with (he can be a crack up sometimes too). Unfortunately I still have contempt for my eldest step sibbling, Zack. I'd sooner have him burned at the stake than accept him as a brother....and no I'm not seeing a therapist right now but I have in the past, but for anger and not depression.


    @ IrishDoll: Thanks Irish


    @ triggs: thanks triggs I'll remember that
     
  6. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :smile: hope you do xx
     
  7. X-51

    X-51 Active Member

    The title of this post, "hatred to emptiness", as well as the fact that your story takes us from your early youth, to what I assume to be at least teenage years, indicates that alot has transpired and your feelings on "Zack" have evolved.

    I don't wish to be too presumptious, but perhaps you ache for some form of resolution? I would imagine alot has passed in his life too. Do you think perhaps he has changed his attitudes towards you?


    edit: didn't notice you want him burned at the stake. *chuckle* I take it you've spoken with him, since his millitary experiences? Have you ever told him how he makes you feel?


    Either way, I hope things work out for you, the best way they can.

    also, hello ^.^
     
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry about the chaos in your life I would think perhaps also the emptiness you are feeling is the absence of your biological father. Has he kept in touch at all with you. Has he cared. I know coming from a place where my father left ripe age of 4 there was always an emptiness a question why he left his own children to live with another family. I hope you continue to get councilling to figure out where this empitness feeling is coming from and how to finally deal with anger.
     
  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome the forums, hope you find what you need from SF
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi and welcome to the site. I like the lyrics in your sig. :)
     
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF Chaos.

    :hug: xx
     
  12. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Welcome (and a hug :hug:)
     
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