Hey... Again... D:

I have a pretty good life right now. I have a loving boyfriend, a loving family, I just started college classes... But I can't seem to value those things. It's like... I'm not able to let all those good things in.
I always skipped classes a bit in highschool and even in middle school. I skipped when I didn't feel like going to the classes. I skipped classes a lot in high school and that's when I made my first attempt to kill myself. I was 18.
After that first (real) attempt I tried a few more times later. I don't want to go into details, but yes, I did it at home and I was found and then they called an ambulance on me. I was always saved.
I've been on therapy and I've been on meds. I've been in a mental hospital for a week and a few days too.
Hm, as I was saying. I can skip classes now because we're not penalized for not going. What counts in college (at least in my university and in my course) is not attendance to class, it's the evaluation moments and those are scheduled. The first one is in November. Whatever. I study better at home. Of course, classes help, but I learn better alone at my own pace.
On Fridays I only have one class and I said that I wouldn't go to that class very much because I have to get two buses to get there and two buses back home. It's tiring. And... This Friday my mom called home and I answered the phone. Obviously she was checking on me, but because I don't feel I'm doing anything wrong I picked it up and I haven't been hiding anything from her... But the way she started talking to me has been haunting me these last few days. She yelled on the phone and when she got home she barely spoke to me. She's paying for my education, I get it, but I can do it on my own way. I'd just like some understanding, I'd like a calm talk so I could explain that it's not that big of a deal...
Well, she has been very pushy about it. And my grandma calls everyday too and always gives me a speech when I tell her that I didn't go.
All this talk makes you think that I skip a lot. Yes, but I go to many classes too and I always pick up. I can do that. I just can't deal with pressure and my mom has and has always had a huge amount of importance in what comes to my well being.
If she has a mood that nobody knows why she's stressed, my day is ruined. It's always like that. And that yelling on the phone makes me feel so guilty.

I had intentions of going today, but I didn't. Today, not only do I have a pleasant time table but I also have some important classes. But I have a mechanism that resists pressure. If I'm pressured to do something, even if I was going to do it anyway, I end up not doing it. It's really stupid and it ruins my life. I can see a snowball rolling down the hill right now and I have experience with suicide, I'm well aware of what my mistakes were when I last attempted so I'm kinda scared for my life but at the same time I can't fight these images that are showing me ways of how to harm myself.

I need help. I previously said that I didn't want to go back on meds, but I might have to
I hinted my boyfriend of how I was feeling and now I regret it. I hate this... I try to be honest all the time and then it always ends up hurting me and others. Is that why there are so many liars in this world?

I'm not demanding anything from the readers, all I really wanted was to write how I feel. Thanks for existing Suicide Forum.

 

I can relate to what you're saying. I've had major problems in the past with skipping school, my parents didn't understand me at all and I was yelled at a lot and called a lazy bum etc. I don't know why you started skipping school, I was bullied and that's what triggered it for me. And the pressuring from people just makes it much worse because they can't understand the situation.

It's a dangerous thing because it can really become a serious addiction. I think my mind was reprogrammed when I did it, my brain learned that it was a good behaviour (basically trying to avoid danger) so it awarded me with dopamin. I still struggle with this today even though I worked for many years and managed to get to work every day. Now I'm studying at a university and I have the same thing that we're not penalized for not attending. I find that it's very easy to slip into old patterns.

Sorry I know I can't offer you any help but I understand much of what you've written.

 

Thank you for your reply

My mother found out I skipped school today (my sister probably told her, but I don't blame her). She yelled even more and she assumed I'm never going back there, which is not what I intend. I intend to go, but if she keeps doing this then I'm gonna keep skipping and there will come a point where I will have dropped out.
I just wish she gave me some credit and try to understand that it's not the end of the world if I can catch up.
Right now I'm starving myself as self punishment. If my boyfriend wasn't here I think I would not be writing this.

In an hour or so she'll be back home and I don't know what's gonna happen.