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Hey, everyone. So I know I haven't been around much....

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Aurelia

I'm. Not. Like. You. I. Just. Fuck. Up.
#1
I used to spend my time religiously on this forum and would log in every day, multiple times a day. However, I haven't done that as much as of late, and just wanted to make a thread letting you guys know I'm okay...or at least, what counts as "okay" in my world, lol. I've had some health problems to deal with, for one thing. Low electrolyte levels have made me have to go to the ER several times now, which is probably due to my Crohn's, which has also gone untreated for quite a while, causing all kinds of issues. And then recently, I had a fucking tooth infection on top of it, but at least that's gone now. Shit fucking hurt like hell. I really need to see the dentist, as well as my GI doctor...The GI, I actually had an appointment with, though, recently through telehealth and he ordered an MRI for me, but my insurance seems to be causing problems and not wanting to pay for it without additional info from the doctor as to why it's an essential procedure (it's like, fuck, I've been in and out of hospitals HOW many times now in the past 6 months...? 3-4? And you already know that I have a Crohn's diagnosis, so what the fuck kind of "additional info" could you possibly fucking need?) Typically, a GI doctor orders an MRI if a patient is having some sort of issues with a digestive disorder, so clearly, that would be the reason it's needed...*smh* fucking <mod edit>. And then, not to mention, I try calling the radiology department to schedule an appointment for said MRI, and they don't have an appointment date available until fucking April. It's like, really? Clearly, I'm having some pretty severe Crohn's symptoms, so pretty sure the doctor would want it done BEFORE fucking April. "Well, there's nothing I can do about that...sorry. You'd have to call him and see if there's anything he can do to speed up your appointment date. Oh, and by the way, by the time the appointment date comes around, you're going to need to tell him that you need a new referral because the one he put in will expire by then." I was like are you fucking kidding me? ...That's the most ridiculous load of crap I've ever heard. So not only do I have to try to get a hold of this doctor and get him to somehow attempt to speed up the process, I also have to tell him that I'll need a new referral if he can't, AND on top of that, there are insurance issues that I don't know what the fuck is going on with. Awesome. That's the American health system for you. Always doing what's best for the patients.

Aside from that, I've also got my biology course that I'm doing stressing me the fuck out. Granted, it's not as difficult or horrible as I originally thought it would be, and my instructor so far has given me nothing but straight A's for the assignments I've handed in, so he seems cool enough...BUT it's still A LOT of freaking info to read, memorize, study, write, and just cram into my fucking brain in the matter of a single week. I try to hand in one assignment per week to remain at a good pace with my coursework (at least, as far as financial aid is concerned). Each week, I have 2-3 (rather lengthy) chapters to read from the main text, which takes me a while to do, especially since I know fuck all about biology to begin with, so all of it is pretty much completely new to me. I have to make sure that I understand everything I read, and then do a lab about the topic (usually involves the analysis of actual patients and certain diseases and their related symptoms--in other words, most of the time, I end up having to analyze, based on their symptoms, what they could possible have disease-wise and how I came to that conclusion). And then on top of the lab, they also want a one-page summary of what I learned ABOUT the lab, the chapter readings, and all that crap, as well as some examples of how the topic may relate to my personal or professional life (they want to make sure that I can apply the new knowledge to real-life situations, basically). So yeah. In order to do all that, I definitely need to spend a lot of time reading, writing, and studying...sometimes until my fucking brain feels like it's going to literally explode if I don't stop for a while and take a fucking break. But I don't always have that luxury if the fucking assignment is due soon, is the problem. There have been days where I've literally woken up and started doing schoolwork from morning until bedtime, trying to finish up these goddamned assignments and readings (only taking a few 5-minute breaks to maybe take a piss or eat every now and then). So bottom line is, even though I've actually really enjoyed learning all this stuff (because learning about how the human body works also helps me understand a lot more about myself and my own problems at times), it's been rough because it's a lot for one human being to have to do on a weekly basis. And there have been many times when these assignments, due dates, and grades have really stressed me the fuck out...but nevertheless, I do manage. It's a lot of work, and stressful, but it's worth it. However, it leaves me hardly any time to come on here anymore.

In addition, I've also been trying to get some extra therapy for myself, so I decided to begin online counseling again (and actually paid for a full month this time instead of just taking advantage of the free trials and then having to go through the process of making new accounts and doing it all over again and finding a new counselor...a method that hasn't exactly helped me keep a steady client-therapist relationship in the past). And this is in addition to the face to face counselor I have to see every two weeks in order to get my subs. So in actuality, I'm getting double the therapy now with all that....but it's something I feel I desperately need because my anxiety and motivation/energy levels have been a serious problem as of late. The anxiety causes me to swallow more benzos than I should, and the lack of energy and motivation makes me not want to do shit, especially when it comes to having to go out. I FUCKING HATE having to leave the house anymore. For anything. Every time I have to do so, even for a simple doctor's appointment, I'm about 10 times more irritable and miserable, and it ends up causing more stress than the schoolwork, even. And I know how fucked up that is. It's not normal at all that I've gotten so comfortable sitting at home, and rarely ever doing anything that involves actual PEOPLE, or just even seeing the sunlight once in a while...Having to go out places shouldn't feel THAT difficult, and more importantly, I shouldn't have to swallow a bunch of benzos just to force myself to do so. So all of that has been seeming like a serious problem as of late. And my online counselor, so far, hasn't been of much use (yeah, I know...surprise, surprise, right? If I wasted that money for nothing by the time this monthly subscription ends, I'm going to be fucking pissed). However, she did provide one useful idea...which was for me to start doing meditations again. So I've been practicing those again for the past week, and they've helped in the past, so it seems like a good thing to commit myself to again. And I also ordered one of Ellis' books on REBT, so hopefully, I can also start to really work on that some more to help myself (since BOTH of my fucking therapists seem too incompetent to actually help me utilize it properly...which is ridiculous--fucking supposed "professionals" with master's degrees and PhDs don't even know what fucking REBT is for the most part).

And then aside from all that, there's also all the problems at home with my husband, our marriage gradually falling apart, his drug use (he relapsed recently even though he's on a methadone clinic again now, and has been missing groups and getting a case of the "fuck its" as of late), etc. etc.

So bottom line, that's why I haven't been around here much. Just a lot of shit going on, but I AM okay. Well..."okay" enough, anyway. So no one has to worry about me or where I've been. I'll still check in here once in a while, just don't know how often at this point. But I still love you guys and haven't forgotten about any of you. <3
 
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Freya

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#2
Goodness that's a lot of stuff going on. And of course you are getting straight A's - I wouldn't expect anything else :)

I am sorry to hear you've been so poorly and that medical are being slow and useless but it's nice to see you. You're missed around here you know! *hug
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
It sounds to me like you are doing a very tremendous job, Aurelia. You seem to be doing the absolute best you can, under the given circumstances. I don't think that any more than any one or two of those things, would throw a serious monkey-wrench into my plans, or daily life goals (whatever they are?) and structure. My plate would be seriously toppled, I believe!

Only thing I could suggest is that you do what you can, to stay calm, and try to remain cool and composed as you can, when dealing with these hospital medical matters. While it is very human to lose it, especially when it seems more than warranted--as you've stated sufficient reasons why for on here now. But what you've got to try to do, is to stay focused on the task. And the end goal. And that is the betterment of your treatment, and overall health & well being.

In order to do this best, I feel that it would help to try and remove all emotion out of it, and just see what can and needs to be done on your end to address things as best they can - Yes, I know it is endlessly frustrating and infuriating to hear responses such as the ones you've heard from your insurance and with the schedulers at your MRI. But what is your alternative? Adovcate for yourself. And let things that are out of your hands go, as they are out of your control. If it leads to too much distress in your down time (such as thinking about it a lot & getting upset) then this is what I would consider or seem to be for you unnecessary as it is a lot of wasted negative energy. And at the end of the day, the cards are going to fall as they lay--or may..?

On the bio: that was never my strong suite either. I had a chem prof once tell us that we had to read science books differently than our Tom Clancy Novels. And I think that - that's in part, what you're discovering. . . Just try your best! One of the smartest Psych prof's I ever had (for learning & behavior) said that if you didn't understand what you'd just read in one of his assigned chapters, "to go back & read it again..." & that was basically his response if you came up and asked him about it multiple times in a row (to 'go back & read it again..') He swore that - eventually, it may be the Fifth time, or the Tenth--but that you'd eventually understand it. He was also a Sociobiologist, by background. . .

Good to hear of the progress with your therapies. And the reintroduction of the meditation. That should hopefully help, or provide you with some break-up, or respite from some of this other stuff. Now, this is going to be totally up to you - & somewhat depending on just what kind of (or how much) value you place on SF. But if you find it to be anything of useful benefit (in a positive direction or sense), then I would recommend trying to squeeze/schedule 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Whatever it takes, and what ever you can afford to sacrifice (of your time) / give, in order to come on hear and do whatever it is that gives you the most reward: whether that be chat, interacting with others in some way, or just being a wallflower. Etc. I'd think, you'd tend to find that it helps, that 5 or 10 minutes, if you say do it every day after lunch, or before dinner, whenever... Just sort of like with your meditations (if they're set into a regular routine, as well). . . to make you maybe feel perhaps even 5 or 10 times better than before? Even if it's less than that, as long as it's in the right direction --in my opinion... it just might be worth your while!

But what do I know? Unless you're like more of the "All or None," variety (& I kind of tend to be...) so- There's that, I guess. Anyway good to hear from you , appreciate the updates & do keep us posted. All you can do with the docs is stay on top of them as best you can. Then try to forget them when you're not (dealing with them). In my experience, getting irate serves no meaningful purpose. And I've had plenty of experience with that - unless you find that this tactic, or strategy somehow changes their minds. Of which, I have yet to experience this(Or such) phenomenon! :)
 

Auri

🎸🎼Metal Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#4
I miss you, too, but I can't be that selfish so I'm happy that you're taking care of your real life out there. You're the best. *hug
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#5
I agree with all of the above...the medical profession (to me ) is soul-less. It's dehumanizing and down right offensive the way that patients are sometimes treated. On the other hand, I try to put myself in their shoes...it's their job and they're desensitized. I just pray that I never become that desensitized to human suffering...that disconnected from human decency and respect. I just try hard to be nothing like them....
 

Aurelia

I'm. Not. Like. You. I. Just. Fuck. Up.
#6
Goodness that's a lot of stuff going on. And of course you are getting straight A's - I wouldn't expect anything else :)

I am sorry to hear you've been so poorly and that medical are being slow and useless but it's nice to see you. You're missed around here you know! *hug
It's always a pleasure to both see and speak to you as well! You, Matt (@Walker), @Inanimate, @Auri, @Ash600, @Gonz...and certain others, are all an important part of my life, the way I see it. And I care about all of you just as I would if I knew you all in real life. Hell, even though we've never actually met, at this point, having gotten to know all of you guys as well as I have, and having grown with you all over the years (I've literally seen some of you guys learn and grow throughout the years that I've known you, and have noticed all the beneficial changes in some of you over the years, even if you haven't noticed them yourselves). Therefore, online or not, I nonetheless still feel as though I "know you" all relatively well, just as I would if I were able to actually "see" you all on a regular basis. Heck, Lulu, I remember when you and Matt first met and didn't even like each other much at first! Lol. And now look at you guys...Spent all that time building and growing your relationship, and turned it into something absolutely beautiful. And now you're married, in love, and living together, despite all the obstacles that were in the way. It's amazing, really. And I'm so happy for you both. You guys deserve all the happiness in the world. But you know what, beneficial changes or not, the most important thing I keep seeing from all of you guys over and over again is that you all keep TRYING, and you don't fucking quit, no matter what. You fall down, and then pick yourselves back up and keep going...through all the pain, and anxiety, and everything else. And that is what makes you all truly beautiful, exceptional, and inspiring.
 

Witty⭐️Sarcasm ⭐️

Renegade banshee
SF Supporter
#7
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear about the physical problems and everything else you've been going through. I know you can make it though, you can do whatever you set your mind to, because you're a really strong person. I admire you for keeping on through everything and it inspires me to keep going too. I wish you all the success and happiness in the world, and it's good to hear from you again as always.
 
#8
That is a hell of a lot going on at once. But it seems like you’re actually dealing with most of it pretty well (especially your classes). It does make sense that you’re not able to spend a ton of time here right now.

But please, please, try to leave the house when you can. Even if it’s just to walk around getting some sunshine and fresh air, and you don’t actually talk to or deal with anyone. It sounds like that’s getting pretty bad but, from experience, it’ll only get worse and worse and the habit of not going out will only get harder to break.

You know you’re one of my favorite people, here or IRL. I mean, you were among the first to make me feel welcome here, and you’ve been one of the most consistent when it comes to offering me empathy and good advice over the years when things have gotten rough. You’re one of the people who define this place for me, so I selfishly look forward to when you have more time to spare. But in the meantime I’m glad to hear that you're crushing your classes and, despite the shit that life keeps throwing your way, you’re taking care of yourself.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
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#10
Hey, it does sound like you have a lot going on but I'm glad you're checking in to say hello & let us know how things are. You make sure you're taking good care of yourself. Get some air - sunlight is good for you. Take a walk with the dog. Come check in again soon. We're always thinking of you.
 
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