I used to spend my time religiously on this forum and would log in every day, multiple times a day. However, I haven't done that as much as of late, and just wanted to make a thread letting you guys know I'm okay...or at least, what counts as "okay" in my world, lol. I've had some health problems to deal with, for one thing. Low electrolyte levels have made me have to go to the ER several times now, which is probably due to my Crohn's, which has also gone untreated for quite a while, causing all kinds of issues. And then recently, I had a fucking tooth infection on top of it, but at least that's gone now. Shit fucking hurt like hell. I really need to see the dentist, as well as my GI doctor...The GI, I actually had an appointment with, though, recently through telehealth and he ordered an MRI for me, but my insurance seems to be causing problems and not wanting to pay for it without additional info from the doctor as to why it's an essential procedure (it's like, fuck, I've been in and out of hospitals HOW many times now in the past 6 months...? 3-4? And you already know that I have a Crohn's diagnosis, so what the fuck kind of "additional info" could you possibly fucking need?) Typically, a GI doctor orders an MRI if a patient is having some sort of issues with a digestive disorder, so clearly, that would be the reason it's needed...*smh* fucking <mod edit>. And then, not to mention, I try calling the radiology department to schedule an appointment for said MRI, and they don't have an appointment date available until fucking April. It's like, really? Clearly, I'm having some pretty severe Crohn's symptoms, so pretty sure the doctor would want it done BEFORE fucking April. "Well, there's nothing I can do about that...sorry. You'd have to call him and see if there's anything he can do to speed up your appointment date. Oh, and by the way, by the time the appointment date comes around, you're going to need to tell him that you need a new referral because the one he put in will expire by then." I was like are you fucking kidding me? ...That's the most ridiculous load of crap I've ever heard. So not only do I have to try to get a hold of this doctor and get him to somehow attempt to speed up the process, I also have to tell him that I'll need a new referral if he can't, AND on top of that, there are insurance issues that I don't know what the fuck is going on with. Awesome. That's the American health system for you. Always doing what's best for the patients.
Aside from that, I've also got my biology course that I'm doing stressing me the fuck out. Granted, it's not as difficult or horrible as I originally thought it would be, and my instructor so far has given me nothing but straight A's for the assignments I've handed in, so he seems cool enough...BUT it's still A LOT of freaking info to read, memorize, study, write, and just cram into my fucking brain in the matter of a single week. I try to hand in one assignment per week to remain at a good pace with my coursework (at least, as far as financial aid is concerned). Each week, I have 2-3 (rather lengthy) chapters to read from the main text, which takes me a while to do, especially since I know fuck all about biology to begin with, so all of it is pretty much completely new to me. I have to make sure that I understand everything I read, and then do a lab about the topic (usually involves the analysis of actual patients and certain diseases and their related symptoms--in other words, most of the time, I end up having to analyze, based on their symptoms, what they could possible have disease-wise and how I came to that conclusion). And then on top of the lab, they also want a one-page summary of what I learned ABOUT the lab, the chapter readings, and all that crap, as well as some examples of how the topic may relate to my personal or professional life (they want to make sure that I can apply the new knowledge to real-life situations, basically). So yeah. In order to do all that, I definitely need to spend a lot of time reading, writing, and studying...sometimes until my fucking brain feels like it's going to literally explode if I don't stop for a while and take a fucking break. But I don't always have that luxury if the fucking assignment is due soon, is the problem. There have been days where I've literally woken up and started doing schoolwork from morning until bedtime, trying to finish up these goddamned assignments and readings (only taking a few 5-minute breaks to maybe take a piss or eat every now and then). So bottom line is, even though I've actually really enjoyed learning all this stuff (because learning about how the human body works also helps me understand a lot more about myself and my own problems at times), it's been rough because it's a lot for one human being to have to do on a weekly basis. And there have been many times when these assignments, due dates, and grades have really stressed me the fuck out...but nevertheless, I do manage. It's a lot of work, and stressful, but it's worth it. However, it leaves me hardly any time to come on here anymore.
In addition, I've also been trying to get some extra therapy for myself, so I decided to begin online counseling again (and actually paid for a full month this time instead of just taking advantage of the free trials and then having to go through the process of making new accounts and doing it all over again and finding a new counselor...a method that hasn't exactly helped me keep a steady client-therapist relationship in the past). And this is in addition to the face to face counselor I have to see every two weeks in order to get my subs. So in actuality, I'm getting double the therapy now with all that....but it's something I feel I desperately need because my anxiety and motivation/energy levels have been a serious problem as of late. The anxiety causes me to swallow more benzos than I should, and the lack of energy and motivation makes me not want to do shit, especially when it comes to having to go out. I FUCKING HATE having to leave the house anymore. For anything. Every time I have to do so, even for a simple doctor's appointment, I'm about 10 times more irritable and miserable, and it ends up causing more stress than the schoolwork, even. And I know how fucked up that is. It's not normal at all that I've gotten so comfortable sitting at home, and rarely ever doing anything that involves actual PEOPLE, or just even seeing the sunlight once in a while...Having to go out places shouldn't feel THAT difficult, and more importantly, I shouldn't have to swallow a bunch of benzos just to force myself to do so. So all of that has been seeming like a serious problem as of late. And my online counselor, so far, hasn't been of much use (yeah, I know...surprise, surprise, right? If I wasted that money for nothing by the time this monthly subscription ends, I'm going to be fucking pissed). However, she did provide one useful idea...which was for me to start doing meditations again. So I've been practicing those again for the past week, and they've helped in the past, so it seems like a good thing to commit myself to again. And I also ordered one of Ellis' books on REBT, so hopefully, I can also start to really work on that some more to help myself (since BOTH of my fucking therapists seem too incompetent to actually help me utilize it properly...which is ridiculous--fucking supposed "professionals" with master's degrees and PhDs don't even know what fucking REBT is for the most part).
And then aside from all that, there's also all the problems at home with my husband, our marriage gradually falling apart, his drug use (he relapsed recently even though he's on a methadone clinic again now, and has been missing groups and getting a case of the "fuck its" as of late), etc. etc.
So bottom line, that's why I haven't been around here much. Just a lot of shit going on, but I AM okay. Well..."okay" enough, anyway. So no one has to worry about me or where I've been. I'll still check in here once in a while, just don't know how often at this point. But I still love you guys and haven't forgotten about any of you. <3
Aside from that, I've also got my biology course that I'm doing stressing me the fuck out. Granted, it's not as difficult or horrible as I originally thought it would be, and my instructor so far has given me nothing but straight A's for the assignments I've handed in, so he seems cool enough...BUT it's still A LOT of freaking info to read, memorize, study, write, and just cram into my fucking brain in the matter of a single week. I try to hand in one assignment per week to remain at a good pace with my coursework (at least, as far as financial aid is concerned). Each week, I have 2-3 (rather lengthy) chapters to read from the main text, which takes me a while to do, especially since I know fuck all about biology to begin with, so all of it is pretty much completely new to me. I have to make sure that I understand everything I read, and then do a lab about the topic (usually involves the analysis of actual patients and certain diseases and their related symptoms--in other words, most of the time, I end up having to analyze, based on their symptoms, what they could possible have disease-wise and how I came to that conclusion). And then on top of the lab, they also want a one-page summary of what I learned ABOUT the lab, the chapter readings, and all that crap, as well as some examples of how the topic may relate to my personal or professional life (they want to make sure that I can apply the new knowledge to real-life situations, basically). So yeah. In order to do all that, I definitely need to spend a lot of time reading, writing, and studying...sometimes until my fucking brain feels like it's going to literally explode if I don't stop for a while and take a fucking break. But I don't always have that luxury if the fucking assignment is due soon, is the problem. There have been days where I've literally woken up and started doing schoolwork from morning until bedtime, trying to finish up these goddamned assignments and readings (only taking a few 5-minute breaks to maybe take a piss or eat every now and then). So bottom line is, even though I've actually really enjoyed learning all this stuff (because learning about how the human body works also helps me understand a lot more about myself and my own problems at times), it's been rough because it's a lot for one human being to have to do on a weekly basis. And there have been many times when these assignments, due dates, and grades have really stressed me the fuck out...but nevertheless, I do manage. It's a lot of work, and stressful, but it's worth it. However, it leaves me hardly any time to come on here anymore.
In addition, I've also been trying to get some extra therapy for myself, so I decided to begin online counseling again (and actually paid for a full month this time instead of just taking advantage of the free trials and then having to go through the process of making new accounts and doing it all over again and finding a new counselor...a method that hasn't exactly helped me keep a steady client-therapist relationship in the past). And this is in addition to the face to face counselor I have to see every two weeks in order to get my subs. So in actuality, I'm getting double the therapy now with all that....but it's something I feel I desperately need because my anxiety and motivation/energy levels have been a serious problem as of late. The anxiety causes me to swallow more benzos than I should, and the lack of energy and motivation makes me not want to do shit, especially when it comes to having to go out. I FUCKING HATE having to leave the house anymore. For anything. Every time I have to do so, even for a simple doctor's appointment, I'm about 10 times more irritable and miserable, and it ends up causing more stress than the schoolwork, even. And I know how fucked up that is. It's not normal at all that I've gotten so comfortable sitting at home, and rarely ever doing anything that involves actual PEOPLE, or just even seeing the sunlight once in a while...Having to go out places shouldn't feel THAT difficult, and more importantly, I shouldn't have to swallow a bunch of benzos just to force myself to do so. So all of that has been seeming like a serious problem as of late. And my online counselor, so far, hasn't been of much use (yeah, I know...surprise, surprise, right? If I wasted that money for nothing by the time this monthly subscription ends, I'm going to be fucking pissed). However, she did provide one useful idea...which was for me to start doing meditations again. So I've been practicing those again for the past week, and they've helped in the past, so it seems like a good thing to commit myself to again. And I also ordered one of Ellis' books on REBT, so hopefully, I can also start to really work on that some more to help myself (since BOTH of my fucking therapists seem too incompetent to actually help me utilize it properly...which is ridiculous--fucking supposed "professionals" with master's degrees and PhDs don't even know what fucking REBT is for the most part).
And then aside from all that, there's also all the problems at home with my husband, our marriage gradually falling apart, his drug use (he relapsed recently even though he's on a methadone clinic again now, and has been missing groups and getting a case of the "fuck its" as of late), etc. etc.
So bottom line, that's why I haven't been around here much. Just a lot of shit going on, but I AM okay. Well..."okay" enough, anyway. So no one has to worry about me or where I've been. I'll still check in here once in a while, just don't know how often at this point. But I still love you guys and haven't forgotten about any of you. <3
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