My name is Charlie, and I'm actually quite scared to be posting on here. I never thought it would come to this, but here I am. I'm 20 years old and live in Toronto, Canada. I am a musician working a shitty 9-5 at a furniture store. I live with my girlfriend in a Condo. I feel as if I've always pretended to be happy, but never actually have been. My whole life has been consumed by figuring out how to trick people into thinking that I'm normal, content, and essentially enjoying my life. I however, have never been doing so. My mother passed away when I was 7, she killed herself. I was the last person to talk to her (i think) and I walked away from her. This I got over, it took a long time, especially because its so hard to comprehend at that age, but I came to an understanding and eventually it became part of the past. Almost a year ago (April 8th) My father, who was my best friend, mentor, and greatest love of my life passed away from Liver cancer. Ever since then I have seen no point in doing this whole life thing anymore. Seeing all my friends and colleagues who are my age talk about their parents, and their home life, and their families makes me want to kill myself. I have no parents and no guidance in life and I just want to die because of that. I want to be with them. I constantly think about killing myself, and the only thing that stops me is the people I would be hurting by doing that, I have 3 siblings and a grandmother, all who (thankfully) love me. I don't really know what the point of me writing this was, but I have never really told anyone this. So yeah, I'm scared. I just hope that maybe posting on here and letting a little bit out will help me, and maybe help some of you. I am a very loving and compassionate person, just trying to figure it out. Sorry if you think this is stupid, I do apologize, because I hate reading about peoples problems as I'm sure you've hated reading this. Anyway, thanks for letting me post here. Hopefully I can read and comment on some of your posts.