hey guys..new here,need to get some stuff of my chest

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by paintinggrey, Oct 13, 2009.

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  1. paintinggrey

    paintinggrey Member

    Hey Guys...I hope everyone is well!

    I not sure why i am here or why i registered but i feel like i need to get some stuff off my chest i guess. Hope it is alright!:unsure:

    I am 27 year old guy!! i been feeling suicidal for many years now but because of the strong person i am i have been marching on but it seems that i kind of reached my limit i think. Where to begin!!

    A lot has happened in my life that has tested my strength. I have seen rock bottom so many times that i am thinking of renting the place :biggrin: but in all seriousness i crawled with all my will every single time.

    I feel weird at the moment.I have a good life if i have to admit. I worked hard to where i am,i have a quite of bit of money,i am good looking(thats what people tell me),work out a lot,i have 2 best friends anyone can have,people respect me,look up to me, like me, love me.People tell me i have the strength and will to move mountains but i cant seem to understand the reason why i feel the way i feel.

    I am the type of person that i will try to save everyone that i can help. I feel for people all the time and even if i know 100% they will hurt me in the end, i will still help them. It's a sacrifice i usually take to help others.

    I am very perceptive person. I see things that other people don't see like qualities,details,unimportant changes, and i notice everything around me. People always say "hey..how did you notice/know that",not sure if its relevant but i will put it out there.

    For the past seven years, my mood has been going up and down like a yoyo and seems that i can not find peace or place where i belong, there is something missing.I tried suicide 4 years ago but it failed.

    My heart feels for a lot of people but i know that part of my heart is filled with hatred/sadness/rage/wrath.I cant explain it, i been keeping a lid on things but it's starting to overflow now.It's like my heart is so inflamed with love and hate that i can not contain it.

    It feels like nothing satisfies me but the pain now.I feel like a masochist. If i had a wish, i will wish that i can take everyone's pain into me and control it.

    Lately, my gut feeling is telling me that it's time or that i am very close to breaking down, and its also is telling me that i am not going to crawl out of this one. I think this is my last resort

    Apologies if this doesn't have any structure at all. Just type what pops in my mind.Sorry for the long post!
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. I was a working depressed person with a family to care for, for many years. I tried using my thought processes trying different things to make things better.

    What I was trying to fight was the physical cause of depression. Over doing it sets me up for the biggest "falls" I've had. Please go see a doctor, get therapy, and if they recommend medication please give it a try. Most people need to try different meds before they find the one that works for them.

    Keep coming here, post any time you need to get the stuff out of your head. We all need to do this. In this way, we help each other.

  3. Vangelis

    Vangelis Well-Known Member

    I am 25 and I felt all my life that I have been struggling to better myself and find some solitude or peace within, but life is unfair and cruel and always throws a giant obstacle in the way, in which I overcome and meet a bigger one. I am very strong and also very weak and vulnerable at times. I realized that most if not all people I come across don't give a crap or don't even bother and I have had many just say "Just do it, one less person to worry about..and can I have your stuff?" But knowing me, I rather die on my own terms rather than theirs. Sometimes I feel close to the end, but for some reason I give myself just one more day to see how it turns out...whether good or bad. That's how I live, one day at a time. Spend most of my nights filtering and explaining to myself what happened today and then clean it out of my system.
  4. paintinggrey

    paintinggrey Member

    Thanks for the replies guys!!

    Drugs dont really affect me!!already been taking anti-depression pills a year ago but they didnt work. Maybe i will try again!!

    I can't do therapy,i just can't face it. I hate asking for help but how ironic that i am doing it now.

    Last few months have been rough as hell, broke up with my girl of 4 years,she started seeing someone else soon after, a new girl started work naturally i fell for her (how sad), this work girl is constantly dick teasing me (excuse my language) and pretty much has her claws in me,we supposed to be friends which i dont mind but she had to flirt with me and make me fall for her. Her flirting, pole dancing (yeah...you heard it right),comments and she rejects me everytime i make a move. She says "we cant..we work together". What a load of crap!. As well as i got a very important accounting exam on Nov 26 that i havent even started studying for and this work girl is driving me crazy at work and this sat i have to see my ex for the first time in months due to a friend birthday party and I cant even sleep anymore..

    God, you really know how to test me. If only i could feel your hand in my shoulder for just a second, it would make everything worthwhile. I really miss you!!

    Sorry rant over
  5. paintinggrey

    paintinggrey Member

    why the hell does this fucking bitch is tormenting me?Why???????????Why try and make me jealouse!I really dont need this crap the way i am feeling!Specially today!!!After writing that stuff yesterday!!Why does she need to use me to make herself better?WHY??I tried to stay away from her but finds a way to get my attention again

    I am so fucking weak!!What happened to me??I was so strong before,i could take anything!


    Edit: I just read the Horoscope today and i never read the horoscope but i did today!! It says

    "Don't flirt with faces that are not free.Dont even play games with those,who you have slight doubts about.It's your reputation after all isnt it? Focus on work today brings financial success"

    Quite fittings!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2009
  6. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Just try your hardest to stay as strong as you can. Do whatever it takes.
  7. paintinggrey

    paintinggrey Member

    "i have no mouth but i must scream"
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