Hey, I'm a newb here too.....

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by MourningMe, Dec 5, 2012.

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  1. MourningMe

    MourningMe Member

    I'm new to this forum as of last night. Kinda funny how reading other people's issues makes me think it will pass and there is a better way than suicide. Yet, for me I cannot.

    My entire life I have been the survivor, the fighter. In some ways I relished the title b/c it meant I had strength. I can remember wanting to die on my 10th birthday as I hid in a closet. I remember thinking, there is just no way way I could endure my life until 18.

    I cannot ever remember feeling suicidal yet just wished to not wake up. But that changed 1.5 years ago while on vacation at the beach. The beach, interestingly enough had always been one of the places I felt the most peace in recent years. Yet, suddenly that changed for no apparent reason. The urge was quite strong. I told my GP and we switched up meds.

    Long history on anti depressants since my youth. Childhood abuse and neglect, the gift that keeps on giving.

    I'm now 40. Look like I'm 25-30 (good and bad). Married for 20 years this year (minus our 2 year sabbatical 10 years ago when I left). We ultimately reunited for our youngest whom was displaying much worse special needs than we had originally realized. He's now 18 in college and diagnosed as Aspbergers ( high functioning with strong difficulties in perception and social skills).

    The reuniting worked well for many years, surprisingly enough with no outside counseling. But all that changed after a freak accident 5 years ago. In a home improvement store a 10foot steel pipe was launched and struck me in my frontal lobe. This one event destroyed so much of my life.
    Traumatic Brain Injury meant excruciating migraines, terrible deficits in speech, balance, sleep, focusing and so much more. Now after 3.5 years of cognitive and rehabilitative therapies, I am doing much better-physically speaking, compared to the first few years following the injuries.

    But here is where I cannot cope:
    I am 75 pounds heavier, I now have Fibromyalgia (head trauma gift) that means I live on pills, my creative process which had been fucking brilliant is barely functioning. My short term memory is chit. I can only work 3-4 days a week due to exhaustion/fatigue issues.
    My husband is a brooding, hot tempered crank of a man, whose constant negativity is fucking killing me. He cannot speak unless negativity is coming out 85% of the time. I end up avoiding him and walking on pins and needles for everything. We just do not mesh, I'm not really sure we ever did. I know I loved him so very much but his constant Debbie Downer role has severely taken its toll on my love n care for him.

    He won't make any changes or even try. I'm trying so hard to stay positive to grow my stamina and make it all work, constantly, but he is killing me slowly everyday. I cannot leave. The most I am earning right now is $550 a week (when I'm lucky). I'm not very consistent due to having bad health days (luckily my out of home job as a freelancer is conducive to my situation). I do love my freelance position and I think that has kept me alive a little longer.

    He knows how I feel and he does feel badly. I think the years of struggling to pay this mortgage and doctor bills for me and two kids has completely drained him. We got a small settlement under 30k ( yes, good people with legit traumas all the time get little to zero in lawsuits, so don't even get me going). But that is gone just to keep this house.
    He won't move or make any changes. He is resigned to working, eating, sleeping, period thee end with zero in between.

    I refuse to stay with him just because I have no other options. I cannot fake it or use someone just to take care of me. I grew up wealthy and have already happily dumbed down my lifestyle to the very least that I am willing to live with in our situation. Which btw, I could do forever if I am in love n loved by my partner. Money is not the reason, just a factor.

    So, I figure I can end the chronic pain -physical and mental with a suicide on my terms. The only thing stopping me, is my boys. I want to get a few things in order for them first. I just want it to look accidental so that the kids are not left with any of the painful feelings that come with a suicide.

    The truth is I am tired. (I know many of you abuse survivors get this ). I'm tired of the wishing and fighting for small pockets of happiness. My life is worth more than that to me and I'd rather, do what feels most comforting, which is to sleepily euthanize myself my way so I can stop mourning the me I used to be.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I read your post and was somewhat amazed at the many things we share in common. Different in many ways but the differences are in cause not outcome. I would like to post more here directly but to be honest I am less than comfortable with doing that. I ask simply if you would like to talk more please click my user name and "send message" to let me know and I would like to talk a little with you as somebody that is quite understanding of your situation.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. Vsky

    Vsky New Member

    Thanks newbie, I'm a newbie to this forum as welll. Thanks for sharing your story. You sound like a strong person that has dealt with alot of struggles. I felt like you expressed alot of what I feel about myself. I hope this forum helps you. I want to give you words of encouragement to keep on going and working through it because I think maybe those small pockets of happiness will get longer. I can't say anymore because I just don't have it in me. All I know is I feel bad and I'm not sure reading more people feeling bad about themselves is going to help me. I You said the only thing stopping you are your boys well that sounds like a good thing. I feel that about my daughters. I would walk into the snow today if I didn't have them. In many ways I am starting to see it has a prison sentence, though. I can't dump my suffering, sadness and sucide onto them. But I don't want go on so they have someone to come home to after school or see in the morning. What purpose do I serve, I just don't feel it right now. I will try and sleep it off cuz I'm tired too.
  4. MourningMe

    MourningMe Member

    Thanx. I pm'd you ;)
  5. MourningMe

    MourningMe Member

    ******I don't feel it right now either. I'm sorry you are sad...it really sucks. I've been laying the ground work for an accidental overdose very carefully this last year. I don't ever want my boys to think they weren't enough of a reason to stick around. So, I am pretty confident with my memory issues, it is very likely they will rule it accidental. I will just have to scrub my iPad or dispose of it permanently to be sure they cannot find my blatherings on here ;). All of that said, I may never do it but I take much comfort in knowing I am prepared and have my way out, my way. Maybe that will be enough?

    Thinking of you and sending hugs~

    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 5, 2012
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your boys will suffer greatly does not matter if it is by suicide or not they will have lost a connection that has kept them strong A child always needs their mother and father Even as adults the child will continue to reach out for support and you will not be there for them Your depression is distorting your thoughts hun Leaving is not an option really If you are not happy in your marriage then time to get counseling or else think about leaving the marriage not life
  7. DessyBoo

    DessyBoo New Member

    Im new here. I am not suicidal or anything...I just lost my best friend to suicide. I miss him...he was like my big brother. He stood up for and made me laugh. Im trying to cope with the pain by taking it one day at a time.
  8. MourningMe

    MourningMe Member

    I'm so sorry.. You seem so sweet.
  9. TommyTwinCams

    TommyTwinCams Member

    First off, welcome.

    Secondly, I feel some connection to this so I feel I can say something relevent. I'll try to keep it short as my life story is already on here in the member's diary's section anyways.

    I am 23, male, the youngest of my siblings, and I too have Asperger's Syndrome just like your son. I lost my mother and my older sister to suicide. I somewhat attempted suicide myself (long story). With your youngest at age 18 and presumably in college, I can safely say that if you're not happy, leave your husband. I'm sure you can explain it to your boys. My parents were considering a divorce when my mother accidentally committed suicide while trying to get my father's attention (All my father wanted was some help around the house, which was done by me and my sister). Don't fight a losing battle. If there's a chance for any scrap of happiness, fight for it.

    Trust me when I say suicide is NOT an answer. It's a permanant solution to a temporary problem. Suicide, even accidentally on purpose, will scar your children. My 3 siblings and I all suffered to varying degrees, with me taking it the hardest.

    If you ever need to talk, PM me and I can provide my phone number and AIM just in case.
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