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Hey, I'm new around these parts.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ciggy, May 5, 2013.

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  1. Ciggy

    Ciggy New Member

    So here's my introduction.
    Hi, I'm a recently-turned fifteen year old girl living with her mom in southern/central Texas. Over the past two years, I've tried to off myself around four to six times. I self harm, too (thought I was done with that habit but I got back into it recently...two nights ago..), as if the suicide attempts wasn't already enough. I feel useless and worthless. I know I have friends and some of them really are sincere about caring about me and talking...but sometimes(a lot, actually) I wish they didn't. Sometimes, like tonight, I just want to leave this world peacefully without anyone caring or noticing. I want to disappear. Other times I want to slit my wrists in public and swallow a bottle of pills in front of everyone. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and want to rest and sleep forever. And then there are the peaceful times when I don't have a care in the world, everything is great and chill.

    Going back to the useless and worthless bit; I feel like a leech to everyone. No, nobody thinks of me like that that I know of,but I think of myself like that. I am the youngest(though I may not look it) of my group of friends, which are mostly seniors and graduating this year. I had met them just last semester and I still don't know all of them all too well. I feel a bit unwelcome/uncomfortable around some of them. I'm not very good at paying attention in school, either, even though I could If I tried once. I guess I'm a sever under-achiever. with Finals coming up I guess you could say I'm a bit stressed. All I'm really good at is drawing, painting, and singing. I don't really see myself having much of a "good" future as people would call it. An office job, a husband, a nice big house with a kid or two. A few or more years of college. I'm not sure if I want all that, though. I wish I could do what I love for a living one day, but I doubt it will ever happen. Most famous artists died long before they became famous and lived lived full of sorrow and stress. And singing, well, People say I'm really good and should join a band of sorts, but I'm not confident enough. I'm not even sure if I want even a slightly-productive life. Is that weird? I think it is.
    *I do think I might be able to get into an art school, though...*

    I have a friend, a senior girl who I'll call Sam here, that is very, very attached to me. The first week I had met her she asked me out. I turned her down saying that I wasn't interested in girls but that'd it'd be okay to stay friends. that was last semester. Sam and I talk a lot, but she cares for me like an overly-attached and overly-worrisome girlfriend. I know she's just caring, but I wish she would stop it. Sam's mental health isn't all too well' either. She has some nasty self-inflicted scars and a very dark and dangerous split personality. That second personality has given me nightmares, chased me through her house and given me scars on my arms from holding her down. I guess you could call the first night I spent at Sam;s house a traumatic event. She is mostly just a stresser in my life, but every time I try to push her away, she tries to off herself(How am I supposed to deal with that?).

    A lot of my friends fight with each other, and I feel the pain. I see how they hurt each other and I feel their hate and pain. I hate feeling and seeing these things, but I can't help it. I tend to notice lots of things when I'm not talking, which I usually don't do a lot of. I hate being able to see how one person is tired of his parent's religious rantings and is straining under the pressure of their expectations. I hate seeing another fall apart when her parents are splitting up and her boyfriends just left her. I hate seeing the pain of someone hiding all her problems from everyone. I hate seeing how sick someone really is, even though they're good at hiding it... Once someone called this a gift, but it's really a curse, being able to understand people like this. I don't know what to do about this. If I blind myself I can still hear how they feel. If I deafen myself I can still feel their pain. If I go numb my heart will still speak to me.

    My usual escape is loud music or a cigarette or two or three (or five). I sometimes draw/paint out my emotions,but I always end up trashing those. I don't really care for drugs that much but once in a while I'll go over to a friend's and take a hit. So, yeah. That's me, Ciggy. I don't really want to tell anyone my name after pretty much describing a lot about myself and my situation here. Thanks for reading this, though.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Ciggy you are very young It must be so hard for your parents hun to see you in so much pain. Have you reached out for help hun talk to a councilor at your school I hope that you do have support in the community It is hard being so sensitive i have that too but you can use your music your art to express your pain and sadness

    This girl she is not a friend ok she is using you and you have no responsibility to her Your only responsibilty is to yourself Tell her parents about her threats or a teacher or coucilor and they will get her help she needs

    Hope you keep talking to us ok it helps to know that people do understand hugs to you
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