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Hey, I'm new here.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CheeseInsider, Sep 3, 2010.

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  1. CheeseInsider

    CheeseInsider New Member

    I would like to introduce myself to everyone. My name is Michael.

    This seems like a good place to share what I'm feeling. A lot of my friends don't know much about how I am when I'm alone, or how I really feel about life. It's kind of hard to keep painful secrets to myself. I'm sure many of you know what that's like.

    I could tell you a little bit about myself, if you would like to keep reading.

    I'm 16 now. For many years now, I think at least 5, I've been very sad. My circumstances aren't terribly tragic. So maybe you won't take my feelings seriously because of that. But since I was about 11 years old, I've always prayed to god hoping he would kill me. Strike me down with lightning, was my favourite prayer. Aside from the prayers. I would mentally torment myself, I'd also pull my hair, and bang my head against walls. The strange thing was the relief it gave me. It was what I would now describe as a pang in the back of my jaw under my earlobe. And my head would get this great pounding sensation. It would only happen though when I realized a painful truth about myself. Such as "You're an ugly, terrible person." or "Not even your parents want you." to name a few of my milder realizations.

    So since then I would dedicate long amounts of time every day to my torment. When I would go to school. It would feel like 6 straight hours of self abuse. When I got home, things were sometimes a little hectic between my parents. You would think that it troubled me that my parents were fighting, sometimes violently. But some of the time, I would enjoy the chaos around me because it added to the pain. I kind of enjoyed mental pain. It was, and still is, a bitter sweet feeling.

    But recently I've become a little healthier. I now only dedicate about 1 or 2 hours a day to suicidal thoughts and the like. And the only time they are triggered is when I'm alone or when someone around me hurts me. With words, I should add. I'm not being physically abused.

    I also have a more positive outlook on life. I try to name things that make me smile. But it's hard to will yourself out of despair. And sometimes I don't want to get better. Sometimes I just want to wallow in my pain and torture myself endlessly.

    Now my parents are separated. My brother with my mom in another country. Her home. I live with my dad here in Canada. It's for the best. I'm really happy for my mom. Now my parents can start their lives, and truly be happy. Well, they can try to be happy. Some things might be hampering their pursuit of happiness. But now at least they are free from each other, which is a good start.

    I don't even know where I'm going with this... But I see no future for me. Though I'm happier, I don't see how I could get above the luke warm feelings that I have in regards to life. Though I have had family around me, they've always been estranged from me since as long as I can remember. But to be fair, I didn't want affection anyway. I don't even want acknowledgment. Not from my family. but from my friends. And from a lover, perhaps, maybe some day. But it seems I don't have luck with either of those.

    I guess what I would like to know is, do any of you relate to how I feel? Especially the pangs I am getting. I'm quite concerned about those. Also recently I've been sleeping either over 12 hours, or under 4. One or the other. Sometimes, when walking down steps, or moving from different platforms of elevation, I suddenly lose all balance and everything starts warping around me. Especially when I jump. But it's okay, I hardly jump anyway. And it goes away quickly. Sometimes headaches occur, but they're mild.

    One thing that's been running through my head for a long time now is the question "Have you been sleeping?" I ask myself, have I been sleeping all my life? When will I open my eyes and enjoy the world?

    What is something I can do to stop or at least weaken my suicidal feelings. Also, do you think I should see a doctor? I think I have depression. I have a family history of mental illness. Both my grandmas have depression. My mom has depression. My dad may have depression. He recently disclosed to me that he would like to commit suicide in a way that would seem like an accident and reimburse us (my mother, brother and I) with life insurance. So maybe he is depressed as well.

    There is much more I would like to say... Even if nobody reads this, it seems therapeutic to type all of this.

    Well then... Thank you for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am glad you wrote it all out it is theraputic to get the thoughts out of our heads and to be heard by others Just want to say hi and welcome to SF
    Keep writing okay keep reaching out for help
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    From what you wrote, you sound a lot like myself, except that your parents actually had the guts to get a divorce.

    Welcome to SF.
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums. Yes, I think you should see a doctor. You may have depression. They can give medicine for that. And talking to a therapist can help you sort out your feelings. It seems like you are more peaceful now that you are in Canada with your father. Not much arguments going on in your family, now. Don't go banging your head though, you don't want to get brain damage to add to your problems.
    If depression runs in your family, you are probably at risk. You are young though, and there are many things that you can do to improve your life. You have a girlfriend to look forward to in the future.:rose:
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