To start, I’m going to say that I can’t kill myself. I want to, but I can’t because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family. I am Jeff, I’m 21. I have had depressed/suicidal feelings for 6-8 months or so. During those months, I have had plenty of time to try to identify what caused these feelings. So far, I have come up with a myriad of reasons. When thinking about this kind of shit, though, I tend to use too large of a scope and overwhelm myself anyway. The reasonable me thinks I still have a great many things going for me and that by most standards I should be happy. I’ve got a college degree, most of my family is supportive, and I have a good amount of close friends, all of which have been supportive when I tell them about my problems. I have never “loved and lost,” never had someone I care about pass away on me, no crushing divorce or collapse of life, no big triggering event in other words. The emotional me, though, is convinced that I will never be happy and that living isn’t worth it. I can’t really find a job where I want to live, I’m pretty horrible at meeting new people, and it seems like I will end up in my parents’ position regardless of the steps I’ve taken to further my education. It feels to me like the work I have done was a waste of time. These two versions of me have differing feelings on most topics nowadays, ultimately they fuse and I become apathetic about everything and detach. I held a pistol in my hand a few days ago, but didn’t pull the trigger. I said above, I want to kill myself but can’t. If I had one of the memory erasers from men in black, I would round up my friends and family and I would flash myself out of their lives, and then end it. They are the reason I am still around. I’m not happy for that though, it makes me feel trapped. I enjoy the forum so far, you guys seem really tight-knit. Being in chat is slightly awkward sometimes since everyone knows each other’s name, but I just need time to learn names myself I guess. If anyone wants to talk about anything, feel free to hit me up on aim or msn.