Hey SF

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lead Savior, Oct 2, 2007.

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  1. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    To start, I’m going to say that I can’t kill myself. I want to, but I can’t because I don’t want to hurt my friends and family.

    I am Jeff, I’m 21. I have had depressed/suicidal feelings for 6-8 months or so. During those months, I have had plenty of time to try to identify what caused these feelings. So far, I have come up with a myriad of reasons. When thinking about this kind of shit, though, I tend to use too large of a scope and overwhelm myself anyway.

    The reasonable me thinks I still have a great many things going for me and that by most standards I should be happy. I’ve got a college degree, most of my family is supportive, and I have a good amount of close friends, all of which have been supportive when I tell them about my problems. I have never “loved and lost,” never had someone I care about pass away on me, no crushing divorce or collapse of life, no big triggering event in other words.

    The emotional me, though, is convinced that I will never be happy and that living isn’t worth it. I can’t really find a job where I want to live, I’m pretty horrible at meeting new people, and it seems like I will end up in my parents’ position regardless of the steps I’ve taken to further my education. It feels to me like the work I have done was a waste of time.

    These two versions of me have differing feelings on most topics nowadays, ultimately they fuse and I become apathetic about everything and detach.

    I held a pistol in my hand a few days ago, but didn’t pull the trigger. I said above, I want to kill myself but can’t. If I had one of the memory erasers from men in black, I would round up my friends and family and I would flash myself out of their lives, and then end it. They are the reason I am still around. I’m not happy for that though, it makes me feel trapped.

    I enjoy the forum so far, you guys seem really tight-knit. Being in chat is slightly awkward sometimes since everyone knows each other’s name, but I just need time to learn names myself I guess. If anyone wants to talk about anything, feel free to hit me up on aim or msn.
     
  2. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    :hug: :welcome: to sf i hope you find some suppport hrer if u need anything pls feel free to pm me :hug:
     
  3. TheUltimateSin

    TheUltimateSin New Member

    Hi Jeff!

    I read your post and it seems you took the words from my mouth. Almost.
    I'm kind'a in the same situation. Only I am close to 30 of age.
    I also have a college degree, a job that many of my sane friends would probably envy. My parents divorced somewhat tragically in -87 when my mother somehow got fed up, taking a man in bed when our father was working the night shift at his second job (4 kids and a large house he rebuilt from scratch was costly).
    Though I feel this must be more tragic to him than me, I guess it still affects me.
    I also have supporting friends. They are still around, even though I mostly talk about the meaninglessness of life, trying to cheer me up. Both of them have lost family members too early. For one it was the 2-year older brother, for the other it was his around 40yo father who passed away. I think it was cancer in both cases. Somehow they got on with their lifes and are strong. My only "tragedy" is my parents divorce (which should not matter too much since most people seem to divorce and their children doesnt necessarily get suicidal/disturbed.)

    I seem to have similar feelings. No hope for the future. Utter lonelyness and discomfort in general. I hate going to work. I hate riding the bus to and from work. I have real issues with socialising. I DO want more friends, to be popular and all these teenager stuff. But I just bend my head down and try to avoid people.

    My biggest issues (I'm telling myself) is the absence of love and envying everyone and everything. I feel that the only thing that could make me feel a certain joy in life is to get a girlfriend. But my social inability makes me a complete looser, meaning I don't meet much girls. And when I do, I can't talk to them or make them the least interested. I have tried dating sites and went out with a few girls. All of them saying "i didn't find that special feeling I was looking for" in one way or the other.
    I envy a lot of people. Everyone who has found a partner. Also people with nice things, cars and so.

    I am now 27yo and have moved back home to my parents, living in what once was the garage. Last autumn (2006) I had finished my college degree and found an interesting job in a small town. I quit in May 2007 due to my lack of social skills. The people at work was mainly 40-50+ people, and the 2 other members that where at least close to my age had families or were about to have a child. I just could not lift myself up and go to the gym to find friends, so I quit and moved back home were I got a new job in one of my countrys biggest cities (where I studied and have my 2 friends from school).
    In this city it is very difficult to get a nice appartment, so thats why I live in a garage.

    I have been single for all my life with the exception of a short romance with a girl who quickly realized I was not boyfriend material. I have had a few crushes on cute girls but never really dared to act on them.
    All people around me have had partners for several years. My 2 year younger brother is going to be a father in the spring 2008. I also have 2 much younger brothers in the ages of 15 and 16 which I guess are soon to be swept into the world of love. All this is part of why I feel no hope. If I had lots of money I could by fun things or do crazy things as I am a little of an adventurer/adrenaline junkie, I think. But I have no money so I am limited to living in my parents garage for the time being. I have the opportunity to rent my friends old appartment soon since he and his girlfriend have bought a new one. (They are marrying in spring.) They would really like me to rent it for their own convenience, and for us to be able to spend some time together.
    But all I feel is "Why should I? Nothing will get better. Sure, I will hang out with them a few times. But they dont have any friends of their own, giving me the opportunity to meet new people and perhaps find that special someone." Actually I have become so desperate that I would take just about anyone that I find at least a tiny bit attractive. But as stated above, I am not a person who can make girls "feel that special feeling".

    I just dont see how I would do to find joy in life. I have no hobbies. I am a little interested in everything, but can't get my act together to actually do anything. Thereby my life as of now consists of a job I hate, and 3-4 hours on the bus every day. In the weekends I most often do nothing. Just sitting by the computer, steping outside for a smoke once in a while.

    Sorry for abusing your thread. I just thought we had something in common. Most people would say I have very good conditions to make a good life. But somehow I missed out on what is really important - love. My only girlfriend, mentioned above, I do believe left me because I put my studies before her. She wanted me to come visit but I didn't. I felt I had a lot to do in school and that it was not the same as when she visited me since she lived with her parents and I didn't want to meet them before I was sure that me and her were to keep on being together.

    I have always been a "bystander". Trying to avoid social occasions. I don't know why. I was popular for a few years in middle school. But that changed in the middle of the nineties. My father decided that I were to go to a school that he considered better than the one that was the "natural" choice for people living in our city. After that, people that I would consider socialising with have rejected me. I was bullied for having curly hair and being extremely short. The principal once told me to stop bullying others, since they could be more easily offended than me. That I was very strong in some way. I still don't exactly know what she meant. I only bullied people who bullied others. And I said mean things to very few. I mean in no way to say that I was "the good one", but I really don't think I offended anyone who didn't take a hit at me first.

    Somewhere around that time, or slightly before, life reached the top of the hill and everything started to go downwards. In upper secondary school I was mostly alone. I started to smoke at the age of 17 just to have some contact with people, and perhaps to revolt against my parents. With the way I look, smoking is really not a good way to get in touch with girls. I just look pathetic smoking. In college I was the only one smoking, making me even more ridicolous. I had by then really evolved into a very unsocial being. Since school was never really my thing, and I somehow got the idea that I HAD to make it through college, I did nothing more than study. I never went to partys or other social events. The first 3,5 years I was in a class with which I could have done fun things. But I chose not to. Then for the 2 following years when going from a bachelor degree to a masters degree we were only 4 people from the old class. We hade lectures with many different classes why it was difficult to meet possible friends.

    Now it is late. Perhaps not too late, but indeed very late. People my age seems to in general be occupied with partners and children. In school I at least had a good chance, a forum for meeting friends. At my new job, people are about the same age (most of them around 30yo). But _ALL_ of them have partners and most of them also have children. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I do wish I was, more than anything, but I am not. They have succeeded, and I have failed. Miserably. I do have good grades, but that really is all.

    I have read some posts here on the forum. "Seek help". Medication and therapy. Sure. But why? I really don't think my life can take a turning for the better anymore. A few years ago that might still have been possible. But as things look now, there is no time. And I am not willing to give it time. By now I wish I would have had a girlfriend for a few years. We would consider marriage and in a few years perhaps children.
    Say I go to therapy and start taking medication. I would feel even worse about having to do that. Not to mention the reaction I would get from people both at home and at work. People like me are not accepted. We are disfunctional. I had a job interview where I somehow managed to slip that I had issues when it comes to girls. They never called back.

    You really seem like a nice person Jeff, letting your close ones enjoy you while you spend your life in missery. I really hope that things get better for you so you don't have to keep going on feeling like shit all the time. After about 10-12 years feeling like that I do believe I know how you feel.
    I am not as kind and loving as you are. My biggest issue is finding a simple and painless way of self deliverance. The book "Final exit" has given me some help, although the medication described seems very difficult to get a hold on. I guess I am not motivated enough since I don't even take the initiative to see a doctor who could perscribe me the right pills.
    I have thought about trying to go on a few more dates to increase my motivation, since these are what causes the most intense feelings of wanting to die. A few days after having being rejected, crying like baby, I go back into the apathy referred to as my "life". Hopefully that will give me the incentives needed to carry out the ultimate sin. As I have already told you the story of what my father had to go through with the divorce and all, you probably understand that I feel like the most evil person in the world when thinking of putting him through a, possibly, even greater tragedy. But I don't think I can carry on living just for the sake of him. No one asked me if I wanted to be born, so somehow I feel that I have no obligations to anyone.

    To all others out there feeling like ending their lives:
    I feel for you! I wish we could all unite and try to help one another. Without all the "happy people" interfering, telling us we are retarded and just need to get our shit together.
    If you REALLY can't find happyness, may you go in peace!
    And I don't know about you, but I hope there is no afterlife. The risk of having to endure another "life" frightens me. I hope everything just goes black and that that's the end of everything for me.

    No more thoughts. No more missery. The Ultimate Sin.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2007
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hey Lead Savior and TheUltimateSin :)

    Just to let ya both know that we don't allow methods / encouraging suicide here - this forum is pro-life :)

    :grouphug:
     
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