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Hey still here but still struggling


SF Supporter
hi, sorry I have kind of disappeared a bit.

With medication not being sorted I'm struggling, not only with the suicidal stuff , depression and anxiety, but also with an OCD thing around my eyes which causes issues with me using screens so I have not really been in a place to come on here and i've been adjusting to being at home.

I've been open about the fact I'm struggling, and talking as much as I can with the main mental health team. And i've been waiting to sort some meds out and have repeatedly informed several people that i'm scared of the one I was on which is why I'm not taking it properly. So they have been meant to be looking at alternatives, but have been waiting for my notes to return from he hospital - which they still have not and it been almost 2 weeks since i was discharged....

Yesterday I asked perinatal mental health team psych nurse if i would be ok to email about some things I needed to talk about but have been struggling to with the other team and I don't have an email for them. She agreed. I told her about suicidal thoughts and plans still being there but different because without the miscarriage fueling things it is less intense as I have things I need to sort out first. Couple things in the house and a Will. But that I'm still practicing things like knots and self harming. I've been hitting, cutting a bit but I'm not committed to that as it made me pass out and I've been making myself pass on purpose to explore losing conciousness and looking up other methods to do with that that I wont mention here. She of course passed this on to the Dr and CPN in the community mental health team. So, they are all worried, and I had a telephone appointment with Dr today. He asked how I was feeling (I really struggle talking to him I think he is scary) and then he mentionned the email, and asked about medication, what i'm taking and i said, and he asked again why i'm not taking what I should be even though i've told him before. Then suggested Quetiapine, I'm not sure about it and he asked if I want to go back to hospital. I said not really and he said how the email was good but if i'm not honest with them and not coorperating with medication then thats where we are heading.

I'm not not being honest, I'm scared so dont talk much if i'm scared, but i'm talking where I can to people I feel better with, I can't help it if that's not them. And I have done from when it happened, because of the miscarriage, told them I dont trust the medication anymore and want something different. It's not being dishonest or uncooperative about the medication just because he doesn't remember that I have told him and others before. It's hard enough to talk to him anyway and then he doesn't remember stuff and then says stuff like that. He might not remember everything, he has many patients, thats what notes are for, maybe he hasnt added notes as mine aren't back or whatever. But that doesn't mean its my fault. And yeah it is my fault i can't talk to him because i'm scared. it's my fault that i'm broken and crap. why do you think I need to be gone. I've been trying as best I can, but its not enough.

I'm so screwed
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I'm not not being honest, I'm scared so dont talk much if i'm scared, but i'm talking where I can to people I feel better with, I can't help it if that's not them
I wonder if there's a way that you could arrange to only talk to the people that you feel better with

Sending hugs


SF Supporter
I think i'm slowly getting used to my CPN, it's slow probably because of social anxiety or the Avoidance Personality Disorder I've recently had a diagnosis of. The Psych Dr I don't think i'll ever be fully OK with, it's just that way with some people. He's quite strict and stern, and he doesnt really seem to get that I am scared as opposed to being uncoorperative. Hopefully, like said by other Psych nurse, when meds are sorted I won't have to see or speak to him much. Either meds will get sorted or I will be gone, whichever.

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