Well, this is my intro post to the group. I don't even know where to begin or how to describe what I'm feeling. After reading a few of the other intro posts, my feelings are intensified. Currently, I'm fighting what I call philosophical suicide and the resulting anger. It's philosophical suicide because I know that I won't ever commit, but I fantasize all the time. I even fantasize about committing some horrible act so that I don't have to live life; it would be an escape without actually committing suicide. But why is it philosophical? Because it is a result of my personal beliefs about life and after. I was raised to be Catholic but ever since I have able to think for myself I have slowly and progressively moved towards my current atheism. I have always questioned religious beliefs and embracing atheism has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. As a result of my atheism and my own logic, I also believe there is no afterlife. I believe this is all we have and when we are dead, we won't know any better. There is no consciousness outside life and if I were dead, the only people that would notice are those alive. So what is the point of life and enjoying it if once it's over I won't be able to enjoy what was. This makes me angry. It makes me angry because I know I won't ever commit suicide because of those in my life. I love my family, friends. I have promised to not commit suicide and promised that I will out live my boyfriend. It makes me angry because I'm not living for myself, I'm living for everyone else. Why should I be happy and live when I don't get to enjoy it when I'm dead? Nothing is special like it used to be. It seems like I can be ok one day and happy go lucky and then the next I am just depressed as shit. It all started off when I was raped as a teenage, life after that just went downhill. Bullied at school, skin problems, money problems, death in the family, my dad not being around for all my life and just an all round fucking shitty life. I can’t seem to trust people and deep down inside I just don’t want to either. My boyfriend says he loves me but I just don’t know what he sees in me, I even think he’s just using me which is totally wrong of me. I feel so alone, even my friends don't want to know me or talk to me anymore and I've tried, believe me I've tried. I just feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression, not really sure why. I just hate myself for some reason. I used to hate being depressed, it's not that I like it now but I don't even care that I am. Music is my one escape, well I should say it used to be my one escape or maybe refuge is a better word to use. I don't even listen to much music anymore, music is my life force without music I would cease to exist. I try to fill my life with happy things and surround myself with happy people, I just find myself staying in my room in the bed all the time when I'm not working. I try to take walks and exercise but cannot find the energy, I don't know what’s wrong with me. So what's the problem? Part of it is the depression I experience and take medication for. Part of it is that I can't shake these thoughts and when I get angry, I get agitated with everything and everyone. As soon as I get in that mind-set, I do everything possible to stay in it. It isn't until I get distracted that I come out of it. I don't know what to do about this. I hope I've explained myself well enough and I know that I don't have it nearly as bad as others. But I, too, have suicidal thoughts (more often than I will ever admit in person). I also get angry from it (but never physically act on it). I also don't know that I want to get over it because I feel like I'll forget my beliefs, who I am, and what I feel. It has become such a big part of me, I feel that if I become happy all of the time, I'll betray that which is more true to what I believe. I feel it's very circular! I'm just lost... Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share.