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Hey, Welcome to my world

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by EMergency, Mar 23, 2008.

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  1. EMergency

    EMergency Active Member

    Well, this is my intro post to the group. I don't even know where to begin or how to describe what I'm feeling. After reading a few of the other intro posts, my feelings are intensified.

    Currently, I'm fighting what I call philosophical suicide and the resulting anger. It's philosophical suicide because I know that I won't ever commit, but I fantasize all the time. I even fantasize about committing some horrible act so that I don't have to live life; it would be an escape without actually committing suicide. But why is it philosophical? Because it is a result of my personal beliefs about life and after. I was raised to be Catholic but ever since I have able to think for myself I have slowly and progressively moved towards my current atheism. I have always questioned religious beliefs and embracing atheism has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. As a result of my atheism and my own logic, I also believe there is no afterlife. I believe this is all we have and when we are dead, we won't know any better. There is no consciousness outside life and if I were dead, the only people that would notice are those alive. So what is the point of life and enjoying it if once it's over I won't be able to enjoy what was.

    This makes me angry. It makes me angry because I know I won't ever commit suicide because of those in my life. I love my family, friends. I have promised to not commit suicide and promised that I will out live my boyfriend. It makes me angry because I'm not living for myself, I'm living for everyone else. Why should I be happy and live when I don't get to enjoy it when I'm dead?

    Nothing is special like it used to be. It seems like I can be ok one day and happy go lucky and then the next I am just depressed as shit. It all started off when I was raped as a teenage, life after that just went downhill. Bullied at school, skin problems, money problems, death in the family, my dad not being around for all my life and just an all round fucking shitty life. I can’t seem to trust people and deep down inside I just don’t want to either. My boyfriend says he loves me but I just don’t know what he sees in me, I even think he’s just using me which is totally wrong of me. I feel so alone, even my friends don't want to know me or talk to me anymore and I've tried, believe me I've tried.

    I just feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into depression, not really sure why. I just hate myself for some reason. I used to hate being depressed, it's not that I like it now but I don't even care that I am. Music is my one escape, well I should say it used to be my one escape or maybe refuge is a better word to use. I don't even listen to much music anymore, music is my life force without music I would cease to exist. I try to fill my life with happy things and surround myself with happy people, I just find myself staying in my room in the bed all the time when I'm not working. I try to take walks and exercise but cannot find the energy, I don't know what’s wrong with me.

    So what's the problem? Part of it is the depression I experience and take medication for. Part of it is that I can't shake these thoughts and when I get angry, I get agitated with everything and everyone. As soon as I get in that mind-set, I do everything possible to stay in it. It isn't until I get distracted that I come out of it. I don't know what to do about this. I hope I've explained myself well enough and I know that I don't have it nearly as bad as others. But I, too, have suicidal thoughts (more often than I will ever admit in person). I also get angry from it (but never physically act on it). I also don't know that I want to get over it because I feel like I'll forget my beliefs, who I am, and what I feel. It has become such a big part of me, I feel that if I become happy all of the time, I'll betray that which is more true to what I believe. I feel it's very circular! I'm just lost... Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share.
  2. wow thats some long description, but yet that actually helps me slightly which is very self centered of me, i can relate to alot of what your sayin an youve sed it very clear which i carnt really seem to do,

    i think the best way to cope with this shit is to try to keep busy evan if its stress full work as much as possible an ye just leave ya self bitching about how u havnt got no time to do stuff rather than just waste loads of time getting down.

    i hope you find some answers your looking for
  3. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    I too feel trapped here by those I care about

    Welcome to the forum
  4. Forsaken Heretic

    Forsaken Heretic Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, I can relate to many things that you said, and I hope you find what your looking for in this forum. Take care.
  5. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF!!!!:hug:
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :hug:
  7. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum...
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2008
  8. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Welcome to the forums! I am glad you have found us. :)

  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum x
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. Thank you for helping us get an understanding of you. :hug:
  11. Closed01

    Closed01 Member

    Hey. It sounds like you're going through a lot of stuff. I hope that you'll feel better gradually by posting and venting in SF. PM me if you ever need to talk, because I'd be glad to help somehow. :smile:
  12. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    Hey Emma (im almost certain that it is, if not, im sorry)
    I wish you wouldnt push me away.
    I love you so much, but neither of us have made it easy.
    We dont mean it. its just the way it is.
    i miss you though x
  13. EMergency

    EMergency Active Member

    Katie, it's me.
    I know what you're saying and I think I agree
    I wish it could be different, I want it to be different.
    I miss you too hun, but just always remember that I love you so much xxx
  14. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    same here.
    do you feel weak?
    i do.
    weak and scared.
    love you xxx
  15. EMergency

    EMergency Active Member

    very weak
    very weak and scared
    wish it could be different
    wish we could both be happy
    wish we could both be happy together
    love you too xxx
  16. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i dont know why i dont just message you.
    i miss you so much
    but i dont want to reach out and let you down.
    i dont want to hurt you.
    you have good things now, and i dont want to take it away, i love you too much for that.
    im losing hunny, real bad.
    i love you. and i miss you xxx
  17. EMergency

    EMergency Active Member

    Damn it Katie, just message me please.
    I see you on msn and just want to talk to you
    I want us to be friends again, I want to be in your life!

    Also, things aren't good for me hun... I'm losing everything.
    You could never hurt me, you could never bring me down.
    I've told you already, you hurt me by not coming to me ad pushing me away!
    I'm your friend, I'm here for you... I want us again.
    I miss you so much and I love you so much more xxx
  18. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    i dont understand.
    i see you online, and i want to talk. and i feel it.
    but i just cant. and i dont.
    and i really dont understand why.
    everything is fucked. im cut/puke/drink. im fucked.
    miss you and i love you soooo much xxx
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