"Why don't you bring any girls around?" The guilt is unbearable whenever I hear my father say this. What do I say to that? What can I say? "Dad, I think I'm gay." I can't say that, how is he going to take that when his only surviving son tells him hes gay. Ugh, I hate this so much. The other day he was all excited because we were working on a Job site with "A cute girl, not a knock out, but cute." my age. Every time I turned around he'd give me a look, or say something like "Steve, you should go talk to her." I just wanted to scream at him, but I can't. So I make up excuses or I'll tell some story about a college party. My family is, I guess you could say religious. If they ever learned the truth about me, well, they would not be happy. I think they might know, but are denying it. If I was to come out; I know almost certainty, that I'd be disowned, lose my job, not be able to pay the rent and end up on the streets. Maybe over time, my dad would "forgive" me, but my mom, she would never, and she would make sure I had nothing to do with them. That's what scares me the most, losing friends and family. I hear and I listen to what they say. I know what they think of people like me, and I know what they'd do to someone who was gay. I've heard my friends laugh at the two men holding hands in the mall. I've seen my family talk condescendingly about gay marriage. I don't want that, and it scares me to death to even think about it; but I do, everyday as of late. It's a chore to try and do anything, I just want to lie in bed and cry, but I can't cry, because I'm not suppose to, so I don't. I sit there, sad, until I get angry. I get angry at the situation, I get angry at god (If there is one) and I wounder why and If any of this maters. I've know, I've always know. In some form or another; and knowing this has caused me nothing pain and misery, for as long as I can remember. So I guess it's silly for me to think that anything can or ever will change, and if nothing will change, what's the point?