Hey, you're not a bad lookin Kid.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Help me please, Jun 12, 2009.

  1. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    "Why don't you bring any girls around?"

    The guilt is unbearable whenever I hear my father say this. What do I say to that? What can I say? "Dad, I think I'm gay." I can't say that, how is he going to take that when his only surviving son tells him hes gay. Ugh, I hate this so much. The other day he was all excited because we were working on a Job site with "A cute girl, not a knock out, but cute." my age. Every time I turned around he'd give me a look, or say something like "Steve, you should go talk to her." I just wanted to scream at him, but I can't. So I make up excuses or I'll tell some story about a college party.

    My family is, I guess you could say religious. If they ever learned the truth about me, well, they would not be happy. I think they might know, but are denying it. If I was to come out; I know almost certainty, that I'd be disowned, lose my job, not be able to pay the rent and end up on the streets. Maybe over time, my dad would "forgive" me, but my mom, she would never, and she would make sure I had nothing to do with them.

    That's what scares me the most, losing friends and family. I hear and I listen to what they say. I know what they think of people like me, and I know what they'd do to someone who was gay. I've heard my friends laugh at the two men holding hands in the mall. I've seen my family talk condescendingly about gay marriage.

    I don't want that, and it scares me to death to even think about it; but I do, everyday as of late. It's a chore to try and do anything, I just want to lie in bed and cry, but I can't cry, because I'm not suppose to, so I don't. I sit there, sad, until I get angry. I get angry at the situation, I get angry at god (If there is one) and I wounder why and If any of this maters.

    I've know, I've always know. In some form or another; and knowing this has caused me nothing pain and misery, for as long as I can remember. So I guess it's silly for me to think that anything can or ever will change, and if nothing will change, what's the point?
  2. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I'm sorry about your family. I live in New Jersey and people laugh all the time. It's just not accepted here. If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well you can't deny who you are.

    You'll never be happy if you do that.
  4. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Hey, I've done the same thing with my dad! I'm not gay, I just didn't get around to dating until relatively late... And since I did start, I never told him, because I know he'd ask questions such as, "how far did you get?"

    Maybe tell your dad you're just not ready yet... It's not entirely a lie, but you don't tell him you're gay and he might back off [also, you could appeal to your mom. My dad's wife made him back off when she discovered he was putting pressure on me.]
  5. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    Hey, thanks, the offer alone means a lot.

    So I've been told, but it's not as simple as saying "Hey guess what. I'm gay!" You know what I mean?
  6. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    That's not half bad of an idea, I wonder though if he'd buy it. . . But also I'm 20 going on 21, that might just raise the red flag.
  7. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I know exactly what you mean, to be honest I'm going through rather similar problems right now.

    Do you plan on staying around your family forever? Or are you going to move away? If so it might be best to just stay in the closet until then.

    Though they really should understand, I mean it's not like you chose to be gay.
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I have asexual friends and friends more interested in other things in life than sex at 21. Besides, he doesn't know that you're not doing less-formal things than dating a girl you want to bring home to meet the family...
  9. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    I'm kinda rooted right now. As I work for my father. I do want to move farther away though, at least into a more densely populated area. As for not choosing to be gay, I could try and explain that all day to them, but I doubt they would understand, and they'd say that I should be able to control myself or I'll burn in hell. Who know, maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion, and they would understand. It's just a terrifying thought that they wouldn't.

    Right, I hear ya. I think I might say something like that next time he brings it up. The more I think about it, the more I think it might work, or at least lighten him up.
  10. DrowningNotWaving

    DrowningNotWaving New Member

    Have you tried meeting other gay guys in your area?
  11. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    I live in a pretty rural Area right now, and the closest town which is about 15 minutes away, has a population of about 4-5k, also my parents live there.
  12. datafox

    datafox New Member

    I'm going through the exact same thing as you. The only difference is I'm a girl. I'm scared of losing my family. They constantly say things that bother me. A few of my friends know and they don't have a problem with it. I've been depressed about this for the past four years and I'm sick and tired of being in this position. I feel miserable all the time.
  13. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you've got a head start on me. With at least some of your friends knowing. It sucks that we feel that we can't be honest with people, and I wish there was something I could say or do to change that, because I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't know, I guess it's something that'll take time, but I don't think I've got that kind of time. I hope that you'll be able to get over this, as well as anyone else in this situation. It's hard, and that's all that's to it.
  14. kurenai

    kurenai Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through this with your family and I understand how hard it is. I came out as a lesbian to my parents when I was 18, tried to explain to them rationally and sincerely, and I was beaten severely by my father, and disowned. I was homeless and took three jobs and no one helped me. My mother and I still have an okay relationship but my father hasn't spoken to me in three years, and my extended family wants nothing to do to me.

    I would say the best thing to do would be to find a different job first, and once you're stable and on your own, then come out to them. They may even understand, there's also a huge chance they won't, and that would be excruciating for you. But as I look back on it, I never regret my decision, because nothing was worse than the torture of having to hide and feel ashamed of who I was, which hurt even more than losing my family, who apparently only loved me superficially. You can message me if you need advice or have questions for me.
  15. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    I'd love to find a new job! Only thing is, with my skill set, I would never be able to find something that pays as well as this one. I'm always scanning the civil service exams and classifieds though.

    That's bullshit what happen with your family, but I'm glad you don't regret it. I hope I'll get the nerve to tell mine someday, but for now, I'm playing it by ear. Trying to work on my own self esteem.
  16. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    It sound like u haven't told ne one that ur gay...that can be rough as ur trying to deal with this all alone..for me I know it helped me allot to have someone to talk too about being gay....like it was great to have people in my life that cared and supported me no matter who i was. I think you should if u can find someone that u trust to talk about this with them. Like a close friend or family member or even a counselor....

    I know u think ur family would not support you cause ur gay cause of the things u heard them say and there attitudes and feelings about gays. I thought the same thing of my parents before I told them but they surprised me big time. When i told them they were sooo very accepting and loved me for who i was even tho I heard them say some pretty shitty stuff about gays and gay issues (especially my mom) . So what i'm saying is sometimes people surprise you and they are more accepting than u think.

    But u know ur family the best and u need to find the right time for ur self to tell them and I hope u do tell them cause for me there was a time in my life that I thought that I'd never tell them. And it took me until I was 34 (I just told them a few months ago) before I told them. I have only one regret now was that I didnt tell them sooner... even if they took is badly I would still regrt that I didnt come out earlier...So my advice would be to tell them sooner rater than later and who knows maybe they'll surprise you...
  17. Help me please

    Help me please Well-Known Member

    They might not take it as hard as I think they will. It's a scary thought though. It is something to consider though, I'm hoping to come out within a year or two, although that might just be wishful thinking. Seeing how I still haven't been able to find a new job yet, they've still got a say in how things go down in my life, and if I lose this one, I don't think I can rebound.
  18. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Oh u should of seen me I was a wreck, I was shaking, nervous as hell but I wrote everything down that I wanted to say, and that helped allot cause I drew a blank so I just read what I wrote down....

    Like I said before there was a time when i thought I'd never tell my parents, but I did and I'm soo glad I did. Good luck and when u do tell them I hope it goes well :D