Moving my welcome thread in here, I guess its a bit more appropriate... Sorry for any confusion. I'm Kael, and I'm 27 years old, and currently divorcing my wife primarily for her infidelity. She left me for another guy at the beginning of this month, and spurned from this, I am losing all hope in this world. I, know that I have issues. Most of which I can pinpoint and identify in myself, such as my hatred for many things that people do with their lives, and people's inability to cooperate with society. For my lack of care of what others think, for my lack of conforming to what is hip, popular, or acceptable. For my flat out refusal to engage in a ridiculous amount of most people's lives - TV, Movies, Commercials, Ads, Sports, Drinking, Smoking, going to Clubs/Dancing, going to "social gatherings" with any alcohol there (more on that later), and that is probably just the beginning. At the same time, I'm losing my identity, and thus losing my hate for others, and hating myself for it. I have been claiming straightedge for 12 years, and have never drank, smoke, or done any drugs in my entire life (there is a difference between living straightedge and claiming straightedge, you are not straightedge unless you have made a COMMITMENT to yourself to NEVER engage in those activities, straightedge is NOT a definition, it is a choice, or a promise of sorts, nothing more.). But this straightedge outlook has been a blessing and a curse - while it defines me, it also is part of the reason I feel like I pushed my wife of almost 6 years away, who in addition to her infidelity decided to hide that she has been drinking while I was at work/away on business. I would rather watch her cut herself than drink. I cannot give up on my beliefs, but because of my beliefs, I doubt that I will ever be happy again. I don't condone drinking, and cannot stand being around it. I refuse to be near anyone who is smoking. I can barely handle myself during commercial breaks, as ironic as it seems, as I am questioning my life quite a bit lately, but commercials make me feel like my life is being taken from me. Speaking of beliefs, I am absolutely not religious, and after many years, I have chosen to stop claiming to be "agnostic" and have gone with "not religious with no intent to sway." Please don't try and convert me, my wife never did (reason #3 in this post she probably left me) after the 8 years she knew me, do you REALLY think you would do a better job? I pretty much joined because I am running out of friends... I am really lonely, severely depressed, and in severe doubt that I will find a reason to keep doing the right thing. I keep pushing people away, for one reason or another, and I am to the point now that I can count on one hand the people that I talk to, including my parents. I would imagine that this post in itself has pissed off/alienated a few people already - and feel free to respond however you see fit - I have pretty tough skin, and am more than used to alienation. For right now I am on autopilot, and hating every moment of it. So, Hi. Continued in response to a comment that I would be better off with someone who shares my beliefs: I don't think there are any more left out there with the same belief system. My wife, at one point, (when we first got married) claimed to be straightedge, but after her first slip up in 2009, stopped. I doubt that I will again have that trust or faith in someone else's convictions to believe them, so I have come to the conclusion that I either let my standard relax (which will never happen) or I will be lonely for the rest of my life. I have no desire to raise children, and am not into god, and 90% of people I knew who had similar beliefs either left them by the wayside when they reached 21(ish), or are well into the family life now (like I was). There really is no one to share my life with anymore, as most people who are living their lives cleanly, by this point in their life are either making babies, or all about jesus - probably both. I think the hardest part of this is that I was so blindsided by it all - I never did anything you hear about husbands doing to ruin marriages - about the worst I did was work more than the average man. I never womanized, drank, smoke, destroyed stuff, hurt her in any way. I tried my damndest to be the best husband I could, never went out with anyone at night or on the weekends (never had "guy's night") because I knew that I worked a lot and the time at home should be with her. Yes, I played a few video games (my guilty pleasure), but... I thought I was doing the right thing, stayed away from hardcore/time consuming games like WoW just so I could always step away if she needed anything. Maybe she wanted more drama in her life, I don't know - one of her friends suggested that she always was a drama queen and yada yada... But after knowing her for 8 years, being married for 6, I haven't made a decision for me in years, it was always what was best for "us" or what should "we" do. Who cares what happens to me? Why should they care? Fuck them for being selfish, I can be selfish too. I feel like my entire future has been removed. Cut out like a cancerous tumor without regard for anything that it may have infected. I don't want a life without her. I don't want this life. I never chose any of this. I did my best and my best was not good enough to keep her around. There is no replacement for her, and I don't see my purpose anymore. I'm just converting oxygen and food into waste, waiting for... what?