hey..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xk00zx, Feb 28, 2013.

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  1. xk00zx

    xk00zx New Member

    Moving my welcome thread in here, I guess its a bit more appropriate... Sorry for any confusion.

    I'm Kael, and I'm 27 years old, and currently divorcing my wife primarily for her infidelity. She left me for another guy at the beginning of this month, and spurned from this, I am losing all hope in this world.

    I, know that I have issues. Most of which I can pinpoint and identify in myself, such as my hatred for many things that people do with their lives, and people's inability to cooperate with society. For my lack of care of what others think, for my lack of conforming to what is hip, popular, or acceptable. For my flat out refusal to engage in a ridiculous amount of most people's lives - TV, Movies, Commercials, Ads, Sports, Drinking, Smoking, going to Clubs/Dancing, going to "social gatherings" with any alcohol there (more on that later), and that is probably just the beginning.

    At the same time, I'm losing my identity, and thus losing my hate for others, and hating myself for it.

    I have been claiming straightedge for 12 years, and have never drank, smoke, or done any drugs in my entire life (there is a difference between living straightedge and claiming straightedge, you are not straightedge unless you have made a COMMITMENT to yourself to NEVER engage in those activities, straightedge is NOT a definition, it is a choice, or a promise of sorts, nothing more.). But this straightedge outlook has been a blessing and a curse - while it defines me, it also is part of the reason I feel like I pushed my wife of almost 6 years away, who in addition to her infidelity decided to hide that she has been drinking while I was at work/away on business. I would rather watch her cut herself than drink. I cannot give up on my beliefs, but because of my beliefs, I doubt that I will ever be happy again. I don't condone drinking, and cannot stand being around it. I refuse to be near anyone who is smoking. I can barely handle myself during commercial breaks, as ironic as it seems, as I am questioning my life quite a bit lately, but commercials make me feel like my life is being taken from me.

    Speaking of beliefs, I am absolutely not religious, and after many years, I have chosen to stop claiming to be "agnostic" and have gone with "not religious with no intent to sway." Please don't try and convert me, my wife never did (reason #3 in this post she probably left me) after the 8 years she knew me, do you REALLY think you would do a better job?

    I pretty much joined because I am running out of friends... I am really lonely, severely depressed, and in severe doubt that I will find a reason to keep doing the right thing. I keep pushing people away, for one reason or another, and I am to the point now that I can count on one hand the people that I talk to, including my parents. I would imagine that this post in itself has pissed off/alienated a few people already - and feel free to respond however you see fit - I have pretty tough skin, and am more than used to alienation.

    For right now I am on autopilot, and hating every moment of it.

    So, Hi.


    Continued in response to a comment that I would be better off with someone who shares my beliefs:

    I don't think there are any more left out there with the same belief system. My wife, at one point, (when we first got married) claimed to be straightedge, but after her first slip up in 2009, stopped. I doubt that I will again have that trust or faith in someone else's convictions to believe them, so I have come to the conclusion that I either let my standard relax (which will never happen) or I will be lonely for the rest of my life. I have no desire to raise children, and am not into god, and 90% of people I knew who had similar beliefs either left them by the wayside when they reached 21(ish), or are well into the family life now (like I was). There really is no one to share my life with anymore, as most people who are living their lives cleanly, by this point in their life are either making babies, or all about jesus - probably both.

    I think the hardest part of this is that I was so blindsided by it all - I never did anything you hear about husbands doing to ruin marriages - about the worst I did was work more than the average man. I never womanized, drank, smoke, destroyed stuff, hurt her in any way. I tried my damndest to be the best husband I could, never went out with anyone at night or on the weekends (never had "guy's night") because I knew that I worked a lot and the time at home should be with her. Yes, I played a few video games (my guilty pleasure), but... I thought I was doing the right thing, stayed away from hardcore/time consuming games like WoW just so I could always step away if she needed anything. Maybe she wanted more drama in her life, I don't know - one of her friends suggested that she always was a drama queen and yada yada...

    But after knowing her for 8 years, being married for 6, I haven't made a decision for me in years, it was always what was best for "us" or what should "we" do. Who cares what happens to me? Why should they care? Fuck them for being selfish, I can be selfish too.

    I feel like my entire future has been removed. Cut out like a cancerous tumor without regard for anything that it may have infected.

    I don't want a life without her.
    I don't want this life.
    I never chose any of this.
    I did my best and my best was not good enough to keep her around.

    There is no replacement for her, and I don't see my purpose anymore. I'm just converting oxygen and food into waste, waiting for... what?
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are grieving a loss a life It will take time to adjust the shock the pain it is high right now and your pain hun is taking your thoughts to a very dangerous place. Talk to people ok get yourself a therapist Others here have suffered a loss like yours and they too thought there was no hope no need to go on. YOU need to look after YOU now hun YOU ok
    Just take one day at a time get through it with friends with therapist but you will get through it Hugs
     
  3. xk00zx

    xk00zx New Member

    I was talking to a therapist for awhile, from the beginning when it happened. Back when I still had hope that she would come back. I'm not seeing anyone anymore, therapy doesn't work. It didn't save my marriage, and I really doubt it will help me. Its been almost a month since she left, I've taken everything down in my house and... *shrug* no reason to make it nice again because I have no one to share my life with.
     
  4. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi.

    I'm not sure I fully understand what 'straightedge' actually consists of.

    Yet it seems to me that your lifestyle choice may have given a 'stale' feel to the relationship after a few years. By you not participating in several aspects of a society based norm, perhaps she felt distanced from that and wanted to join in?

    I'm not sure I agree that cutting is any better than drinking alcohol. If anything, alcohol can be restricted a little easier, both are addictive if left to develop without assistance, and both can be dangerous in different ways.

    I also don't condone her going off with another man like that. Had you tried to talk about it/try to work it out?

    Just a month after a relationship break-up, is too soon to be considering anything negative. I would recommend that you find yourself a hobby/distraction. Whether its a round of golf, or something else, it's a useful outlet that could provide you with another purposeful reason to continue.

    It sounds like you invested so much time in the 'we/us' frame of mind, that in doing so, you lost yourself a bit along the way. It's worth giving more time to try to rediscover yourself, as there's a potential for finding someone who may share some of your beliefs. Life isn't necessarily over, and an average life expectancy would put the possibility of 50+ years more on the cards.

    My parents split when I was 12 after they'd been married 19 years. It took my mum nearly 4 years to get back out into working (single parent of 2 school kids made it more challenging), but she's now been in that one job for 12 years. My dad remarried in 2002, and in summer of 09 suffered agoraphobia, hearing voices, and his own depression. At the age of 52, having been someone for living many facets of life, it goes to show that no-one knows what the future holds. So yours isn't necessarily removed. You just have to look at life in a different way now, with which the therapist would be good avenue to revisit. Things take time to recover from.
     
  5. xk00zx

    xk00zx New Member

    straightedge is exactly as i described it and nothing more - the commitment to forever abstain from drinking, smoking or doing drugs. nothing more. everything else is extra, and while generally encouraged in the community (veganism, abstinence, no soda, no caffeine, etc. etc.) is not "straightedge," it is still clean living, which does embrace the spirit of straightedge.

    my lifestyle choice made our relationship stale? dare i detect you say i'm boring? yea. that is probably accurate. but you can have fun without drugs and alcohol, my prejudices just tend not to let me have fun around those who are engaging in those activities.

    when you talk about my comparison for cutting and alcohol, for some perspective, think about comparing cutting and cocaine, cutting and methamphetamine, cutting and (insert hard drug here). now imagine a scenario where i judge alcohol the same as heroin, the same as crack, where budweiser and rubbing alcohol are equally good for you. Alcohol is just a socially acceptable drug, but it is one that, while not as immediately harmful to your health (liver would beg to differ), is incredibly harmful to thousands of people driving on the roads, thousands of abused spouses, and the cause for thousands of deaths, broken hearts, and preventable tragedies.

    I would much prefer cutting.

    I tried to talk her out of it, but stopped when she told me that she loved him, and no longer loved me as a husband. Before she left, she had never had any physical contact with him, and it was an emotional affair only. it is now a full affair.

    relationship break up? break up? i dated quite a bit before we got married, and first dated her 8 years ago. I would hardly call this a break up. I would classify this as a hack job, a disgrace, a backstab, a removal of purpose. It is so hard to find a hobby at the moment when it is already so hard to function. You are very correct when you say I have lost myself. I gave it my go on the "find someone game" that effort is beyond dead, if I wasn't such a pussy i'd probably remove my chances to do anything about that. 50 more years huh? damn that is a long time. and I've already lived a third of my life and have nothing to show for it. awesome. no - I'm not sure I'm down for a "fresh start" which is code for "try again you failed" and my "fresh start" begins with a fuckton of baggage and a lot of hate.

    Why isn't there an easy way out?
     
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