Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jae, Aug 14, 2014.

  1. Jae

    Jae Well-Known Member

    ..i just want to cry and shout without knowing why...maybe because i am lying to my self that everything is ok..i am trying to make myself feel alright...i want to feel alright...but..it seems like the more smile...more pain add up..i dont know..maybe because of disappointment to myself..or to other people whom i given my hope..i feel so empty and useless..there are a lot of things in my mind..i want to tell what i feel.....but im afraid that nobody will understand me...i like to pretend more.. :) ..i would like to dream more...can i? may i say sorry for trying to end my own? but who will forgive me when i have no one to listen..

    ..i've been wanting to post here but its taking me a long time.. :) ..i think there are more letters i erased than the stuffs im gonna post. i am trying to carefully choose my words..or maybe im just hiding everything this way.....maybe hanging here dont help me at all..but if i leave...i'll be on my own little world again...i dont know...that is all i can say..i dont know...
  2. Jae

    Jae Well-Known Member

    ..this morning my coworkers told me about a local news anchor was reported to commited suicide..the people around me are like.. "wow he really did it?..he is stupid.."..and other lines that go with that...i want to tell them that it is not a laughing matter!!!!...as they laugh and joke in front of me about it i want to smack them all..i want to cry..as if they are laughing at me too...how can they laugh about it?...they dont understand that man...whatever his reason to end his self is not a laughing matter....it is no joke...the pain must be unbearable for him.
    ...while they are telling me this with a smile..i thought that telling someone you want to die or commit suicide..maybe they would laugh too..i dont know...i told my mom about my thoughts bu i got no reaction.. :)
    ..or maybe people just react differently.. :D ..maybe if i was successful during the times i tried it..maybe they would laugh at me too...i am alive but i am useless and all..and when i die people would treat it like a big joke.... :D ..maybe..at least i made them smile for the last time...
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    So many people are insensitive when it comes to suicide - they have absolutely no frame of reference about the pain behind the feeling - mentioned how I was feeling to a coworker this week and the respnse was "suck it up"

    Have you tried talking to a therapist or school counselor? Maybe they will hear you
  4. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    I can see how you feel alone, feel like a nobody when your feeling low and wishing that you werent here and then they have the guts to say that suicide is stupid.

    is it? really? the pain of someone's life is so bad that they decide to end it. where was the help that they TRIED to get or where they just brushed off.
    It bugs me that my family/friends brush me off when im feeling low but when i end up in the hospital for 3 days they act so supportive but when i get out life goes back to normal and i become a ghost.

    I hope that your not successful, I would have someone to relate too. who will listen.

    If you want to talk, I am here.
  5. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Hey jae, you are not useless you are a worthy person and a nice person, I care about you...
    Like wastingecho said, people can be insensitive.... I don't think they try to put themselves in someone else's perspective.... I too get upset when people laugh about or say mean things about topics like suicide and depression etc... It hurts me even though they are not directing the words at me it makes me ashamed that I am suffering, leading to me hiding even more...
    *BIG HUG*
  6. Jae

    Jae Well-Known Member

    ...i dont talk with anyone what i feel..coz i tried it before and i got nothing...so everything are just inside my head...everything....i dont know..maybe you gonna say that im stupid or something for not talking about it...my thoughts..i cant hold them..it tells me a lot of possibilities that may happen if i say something again..have you felt being like non-player in a game?..you are in there..in the same level with everyone..but they are being able to level-up and so on..but you?..you will remain in that level forever...how can i not feel so useless?..do i really have some worth like this?...i know you gonna tell you know how it feel...what its like..

    ... :) things are really not on their right position even how hard i try it..
  7. Sparrow91

    Sparrow91 Well-Known Member

    Yes I do feel like that, I feel like I am on a lower level , I feel invisible at times or just there nothing more.. I only say this because you asked the question.. Honestly I think we can move up, we are worth it , everyone is... I personally don't feel like I will ever "move up" or get better etc. But it's something that can happen over time..I just have to remind myself ....it's really hard .... Things can change over time.. And you're not stupid for not wanting to talk to people, I myself don't talk to anyone about my thoughts, my feelings my problems, I've been told to seek professional help but I just can't bring myself to do it... You're not stupid