Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aimless, Jan 18, 2008.

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  1. aimless

    aimless Member

    Anyone here had a spouse die? My wife died a few months back after many years of illness, and only middle aged. We were together for nearly 20 years. It was hard at times with her illness, but we both loved each other deeply. I walked with her to the end, looked after her all the way, and said goodbye to her as her nightmare ended and she passed from here. Through those last weeks and days I experienced with her whatever the hell it is that's beyond the grave, as she at times seemed between worlds. This life now seems trivial in comparison.

    I'm healthy for now and am happy to stick around for our (currently 17 year old) daughter and help her through our loss and onto a life with a future for her, but lately I've been thinking about death. How will I die? I don't want to suffer like my wife did for many years, and don't want to get old and sick. I'm sure there'll come a time at some stage in the future where the pain and sickness (let alone the emotional pain now) will be too much and I won't want to carry on. Some days even now it's only my daughter that keeps me here and knowing that she needs me.

    I feel I'm just drifting now. Caring for a spouse over many years is very isolating. No one understands really unless they've been through it. But today after giving and giving it's like I'm an empty shell will no strength left to go on. No good friends, no life. I'm not religious at all, but I know I won't die alone as my wife will be there to meet me on the other side.

    Have had all the counseling. Just about know what they'd say next myself. I seem to be hitting a brick wall though lately, and the pain of the last years seems insurmountable.

    Anyone here heard of The Screaming Jets in Australia? Some of a song been going through my head lately:
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Aimless, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know a little of what you feel. Although it wasn't a spouse, it was a very dear friend that made my life complete. She was a part of me and when she passed after a long battle with cancer, it left me empty. I was lost. You have your daughter and she will always need you. She needs you to be there for he rest of the firsts in her life, , the happy and sad times, the grandchildren and whatever life brings her way. She needs you to be both Mom and Dad. Keep strong for her sake and hopefully you will eventually feel stronger for yourself too. Help each other through this.
  3. aimless

    aimless Member

    Thanks itmahanh. It was worth making a post here for that encouragement. It's been a long road.

    My daughter has had counseling too but is still a 17 year old (15 when her mother died). She's very angry about it all and clings to her memory I suppose as is normal at that age. Unfortunately she seems to direct a lot of that anger at me right now and I'm not in a state to just wear it. Very long story with her but a year ago she hurt me every bit as much as when my wife died, more than anyone ever has ever. A year away from home and is back now, I only took her in as she was my daughter and WTF else was I supposed to do? A lot of parents wouldn't have. I'm hoping it works out but it seems very much tiny steps at a time right now and my patience and capabilities are exhausted.

    We raised her as a survivor and she made quite clear she was a capable human being when she was away from home. It's too early yet, but in a few years I'm sure she'd survive without me (especially with my superannuation payout she'd get!). Yes, it'd hurt, but being more grounded and with the tools she'd be able to get on with her life.

    I suppose many would call me selfish, but sometimes I get emails from a couple of email friends who just know I'm hurting very badly and wish they could do something. I know they can't. Nobody can. Eventually, the only thing that will stop this pain is death. When that day comes I'll welcome it. The end of a long nightmare.
  4. Carcinogen

    Carcinogen Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds like you are a very loving husband and parent, both truly rare qualities. Good luck with everything.
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