hey

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Mirra, Feb 28, 2008.

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  1. Mirra

    Mirra Member

    This is the first time I ever shared something like this with total strangers, but maybe its better like that, because in this world anything emotional is considered weakness and will be used against you tomorrow by someone you trusted. At least thats how it usually happens, I guess I always try to find love and friendship in the wrong place, but its not like one can have the wisdom to see through the masks that we carry every day just to survive.Quite the rant isnt it :biggrin:

    Okay so lets hear my story, I was a kid born in the wrong place at the wrong time, there was this stupid pointless war between 2 same people who only had a slightly different religion(christianity both, just a bit different dates in the calendar) but otherwise were the same. I was a kid who was from state A but lived and was born in the state B, imagine that. I was beat up every day, spat on, professors knew about it but didnt do anything, some actually laughed and those who wanted to do something really couldnt. I had a knife under my throat at age 9, it all went on every day till I turned 14, I didnt really want to tell my family because there was alot of trouble at home too and in those times we all had to be strong and i really couldnt afford to look weak, not even at home.And even if I told them they wouldnt believe me because they didnt know,couldnt know. I was the youngest kid and had an older bro who had to go through the same shit and he sometimes took it out on me, I remember once he hit me so hard in the head I lost conciousness for like 10 seconds, he got really worried hehe but as soon as I regained it I said I wasnt really out but was just joking.I can write all night about the shit I went through, but rant is allready getting too big. Jesus when I remember those days. I guess it didnt get really much better when I hit high school, I was always so detached I couldnt really make friends at least not good ones, those that would remember me, I was always on the edge, still am people touch me, even my girlfriends and I tilt like tweak from south park :biggrin: dunno tis all abit strange. But alas for the last 3 years I really made it, I had a great life partner and got into one college that is really top by working my ass off and made all straight A grades. Problem is I lost myself in this work, and that partner, that girl just quit on me and dumped me after 4 years, and shes the one that got me out of the gutter in the first place. I also found out she never really loved me or cared for me but was just there for the ride, I of course loved her with all my heart and she broke it without a blink.Guess u can never trust anyone ...all the past is getting to me again and i get these stupid annoying panic attacks and i start choking and feeling sick the weakness really pisses me off...dunno
    I just dont have the time to relax because i have to work all the time and i feel so stuck against the wall. I also happen not to talk to anyone as usual and even if i did who would understand or care?

    phew I kinda feel slightly better when I let it out.

    God bless
     
  2. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    wow that's quite a story. Well done for getting this far. As for the girlfriend, you probably just attracted the wrong person but all the same people shouldn't mess you about like that.

    I hope you manage to pull through and overcome, but it will depend on how willing you are to deal with your pain and the things that have caused it. I don't think for one second that you are an accident, whatever life's thrown at you, you can still make it through and live a good life.
     
  3. Mirra

    Mirra Member

    thanks mate, kind words. I didnt really post this because I wanted to kill myself, but because I needed to vent. I cant really kill myself because i owe my family too much. Even though I know it would feel so god damn liberating to get rid of it all. The pressure, the pain the history the betrayal everything gone. huh

    Of course i couldnt help but digg...so I saw her with another guy. Felt, jesus, like sharp pain in the abdominal region. So heres a piece of advice from me, if you are going to love someone and give them so much, make god damn sure that they are worth it.
     
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